BLACK
Ref (V.O.)
Hey, dogs can’t play football!
The chorus of Tone L?c’s Wild Thing plays.
LIGHTS UP
A REF stands in front of a lifeless dog’s body.
REF
Well, dog’s dead. Why do you think that I said dog’s can’t play football? Cause I’m a buzz kill? No! ‘Cause the dog’s body can’t withstand the force of a line backer, let alone a pile-on. That doesn’t even need to be in the rule books! It’s just common sense. But I guess we’re gonna have to send out a memo telling all the coaches that dogs can’t play.
BLACK OUT
REF (V.O.)
Hey, chimps can’t play football!
The chorus of Tone L?c’s Wild Thing plays.
LIGHTS UP
The ref (holding a gun) stands in front of a lifeless chimp’s body.
REF
Well, chimps dead and your QB doesn’t have a face. Hope you’re happy! It’s not because they have an unfair advantage that animals can’t play sports; it’s because they’re animals–they can’t grasp rules and they rip off your face when threatened. But I guess we’ll have to send out another memo telling coaches that chimps can’t play football either!
BLACK OUT
REF (V.O.)
Hey, horses can’t play football!
The chorus of Tone L?c’s Wild Thing starts to play but is immediately cut short.
LIGHTS UP
The ref stands in front of the coach, who is cupping his jaw.
REF
Absolutely not. You are not setting foot on my field! And you, parents, you should be ashamed of yourselves for letting this clearly delusional man take charge of your children. I will have him kicked out of the league. Hey, hey! Get that horse out of here! I am not afraid to fight a horse! Get it away!
BLACK OUT
