Andy Kindler 5
By Ben Kharakh
Low Times Mean Good Times with Andy Kindler
There seems to be a relationship between the state of comedian Andy Kindler's career and the state of American culture. The worse the economy, the less informative the news, and the poorer the satire, the more opportunities Andy gets. This past month alone Andy has been on Letterman, Comedy Central's The Root of all Evil, and was even profiled by the LA Times . " To a man like me," says Andy, "Who brings joy to the non-masses, I'm going to be able to profit during down times." What's down, what's coming, and what's funny about it is the subject of this Starpulse Q and A with comedian Any Kindler.
I’m talking with Andy Kindler.
Hey, come on, what more could you… you know what I’m saying.
Exactly.
That’s all you need.
Certainly.
All you need is love in a conversation with Andy Kindler.
Do you really think that about love?
I think The Beatles said ‘All You Need is Love'. I say it’s not enough! You also need the comedy of Andy Kindler. The comedy of Andy Kindler would also help. It couldn’t hurt.
Now, people are going to see the comedy of Andy Kindler on The Root of All Evil.
Can you believe it? Eat your heart out, Kharakh.
How many episodes are you going to be on the Root of all Evil?
I’m on two episodes, I’m on tonight’s episode where I argue, do you know the, no, it’s tomorrow’s episode where I argue against Greg Giraldo, you know how it’s spelled. Comedian Greg Giraldo who argues that Viagra is the root of all evil, while I argue that Donald Trump is the root of all evil, and then I argue in a later episode that American Idol is the root of all evil, and Patton Oswalt wears some kind of three piece racketeering suit that makes him look as if he’s the world’s most compact machine gun, I don’t know what’s he’s going for, machine gunnist, I don’t know what his look is exactly an accountant from the 30’s? He argues that High School is the root of all evil.
Greg’s got some experience in the courtroom as a former lawyer. What do you bring to the table?
I bring somebody who didn’t go to law school, so my mind is not filled up with all kinds of legalities and legalese and court information. I’m able to use pure emotion and my ability to be I’m inarticulate yet expressive.
Is there a root to all the evil?
I don’t think that there is one root of all, well, actually, right now I would say Entertainment Weekly. Because they had, and I’m not going to argue with you about this because I know how you feel about it, but the fact that they had Seth Myers, and I like Amy Poehler, but to have them on the cover and later say that Saturday Night Live is the cutting edge of political comedy, that is the root of all evil. The embracing of things that aren’t the greatest things and the people in that profession as the greatest things when they are not is the root of all evil. I thought Saturday Night Live should have been cancelled in 1982, no no I love Will Ferrell, sorry, I lied, but, anyway, it is constantly ruined year in and year out by the insufferable preference of Lorne Michaels. Saturday Night Live is not a place where political satire is being executed. Steven Colbert is executing political satire every night. Did you see the one where they did the 3 AM speech to parody?
No, what did they do?
They had this speech open and Amy Poehler as Hillary Clinton saying, “I am Hillary Clinton and I approved this misleading and deceiving ad”. That is not political satire. You don’t just describe the event. That’s like saying, “I’m Hillary Clinton and I’m a mean person”. No, that’s not satire. Satire is when you exhibit the behavior of the characters that you’re satirizing and not when someone just says, "It's satire." Also, Tina Fey…did you watch the night where she gave her Pro-Hillary Clinton?
No, I’m a terrible entertainment reporter.
Terrible, unbelievable, do you watch any entertainment at all? Or are you in some kind of college basketball fantasy league?
I’m living in a vacuum.
Well, then let’s talk about vacuums. No, she gave a pro-Hillary speech right before Ohio and Texas and I believe that she actually is pro-Hillary and I believe that Barack Obama is the hope of our nation. So, Tina Fey’s speech, I believe, helped swing Ohio and Texas because even though a lot of people don’t watch Saturday Night Live, NBC also owns MSNBC, and they were talking about it on MSNBC, which people watched and then went out and voted in the polls. So Tina Fey is the root of all evil. It’s because of her that Hillary Clinton might get the nomination. I don’t even think she will, but if she does I blame it on Tina Fey.
You're often exposing the flaws of comedy and, in this case, satire. How do you think satire ought to be done?
I always think comedy should be done by me and people like me: Sweaty, unsure of themselves, tentative, and nervously looking side to side. That’s the kind of comedy I like. As soon as you see any exhibiting appearance of bravado that’s when you know you’re in for a rough night. So whether it’s Dane Cook in front of and- you know Dane Cook’s new concert is going to be in front of 18 million people, right?
What?!
He rented out the entire nation of China. And he’s doing a concert for the entire nation of China. I think that there’s a chance that they’re leveling Tibet right now. A lot of the reason that there is all kinds of strife in Tibet is that they’re getting ready for a Dane Cook concert. They're clearing out monks from Tibet for a huge Dane Cook concert. Is that the wrong thing to say? I don’t want to make light of the Tibet situation, Ben. If that is your name!
With all the coverage now being focused on the amount of money the Elliot Spitzer prostitute is making, who knows what’s happening in Tibet?
That’s the main thing to do: keep focusing on Elliot Spitzer, Spritzer. I used to order the Elliot Spritzer when I would be in bars and it was a delicious drink. That’s a smoke screen. Don’t let them fool you, Ben!
Some say that it was in the late 80’s when news shows started doing teasers to get people to watch, that the first step to going downhill was taken and that what we've had since than is a news media dominated by ratings.
I agree with him. And in the same way that he says that’s when things went downhill for news, I feel the same way about Entertainment Tonight and Extra and Access Hollywood. In the old days they would do in depth reporting about Mariah Carey’s trip to her dog’s groomer. Now, with all the teases, by the time they get to the story you don’t really know what happened with Mariah Carey and her dog. And that’s a shame and a tragedy. In depth entertainment reporting is gone! That ship has sailed.
You’re a reporter yourself for Letterman.
I consider myself a journalist.
If you could do an in depth investigation of an issue, what issue would it be?
I would investigate the different Ray’s Pizzas in New York. I believe that when we all talk about Ray’s in loving ways that the original is on 6th Avenue and 11th Street. That’s what I say. I would also investigate the use of words like famous and original. And also I would uncover this whole thing about ‘deluxe’. Something’s ‘deluxe’ or when they say ‘luxury apartment’ and it’s not a luxury apartment. Those are the kinds of hard hitting items that I’d investigate. The willful misuse of adjectives to mislead.
It sounds like bravado showing up in another event to ruin things.
Yes, exactly. I think you put your finger on whatever it is you put your finger on normally.
The pulse?
The pulse. Yes, you’ve put your fingers on the pulse of the nation. The problem is that the nation does not have one pulse. That’s the problem with that whole theory. I don’t know if you thought it through when you started with it. How can you put your finger on the pulse of something when there are so many people? Unless you were to tie those people up together, somehow connect their pulse.
That’s another thing I’m sick of. The misuse of terms that aren’t real. "Pulse of the Nation." "Give me a break." That’s another guy I need to investigate, that guy on Channel 7 with the mustache. What's his name?
John Stossel.
Yeah. "Give me a break." No, you give me a break John Stossel." That’s what I would say to him. I’m sorry if that one hurt, he had it coming.
What about him would you investigate?
The fact that he’s annoying. And he’s a right wing blowhard. And the fact that his mustache- I think there’s some manipulation going on there. I have some inside information from that same fake person who claimed to have seen that thing that didn’t happen to Richard Gere. They told me that John Stossel pencils in his horribly ugly mustache. I’m not saying there’s no mustache there. I’m saying he enhances it.
Have you ever had any sort of creative facial hair?
Yes, when I was in college. First I went with the beard mustache combination because I was a hippie. You wouldn’t remember these things because you’re 12 years old and you don’t know anything. That first president that you remember was George W. Bush. That was the first president you remember. That’s how young you are.
Correct!
But, when I was in college, we were hippies. It was the tail end of the hippies. We wanted to be hippies so we tried the beard mustache combination and I looked terrible. I had an Abraham Lincoln type beard. You think that was easy? It looked terrible. So then I was thinking “You know what? Forget that. Just go with the mustache.” Did that help? No. And before I was Al Pacino in one of the movies where Al Pacino had a mustache in it. I can’t think of one person who’s effectively pulled off the mustache besides Hitler. And when I say, "Hitler effectively," I don’t mean that in a positive way.
What about Wilford Brimley?
You’re right. This is the type of thing that steams me about our interviews . It's when you play “Gotcha” interview with me. I’m tired of your “Gotcha” politics. You win. I don’t think he has a mustache, does he?
He does. He’s famous for the giant Walrusesque mustache.
I like that. I like that because whenever I think of him, when I see Wilford Brimley I go “Damn it, I’ve got to remember to go to Sea World.” Is there still a Seaworld?
Yes, but who knows for how long with the way global warming is going.
Oh, I can’t wait until it heats up ten more degrees. I really can’t. I would like the whole planet to be like a greenhouse. You know how they say greenhouse gases? I’d like them to actually build a greenhouse that would trap even below the atmosphere all of the gases. And I would like to grow hydroponic pot. And if you have any hydroponic pot Mr. Ben Kharakh, why don’t you bring it down to the shows when you see me and say, “Andy, nice show, here’s some weed. Would it kill you?
Is that something that…
Yes it is.
Comedian Doug Benson gets pot at his shows.
Doug Benson gets that a lot because he talks about it a lot in his act. He even did a show all about it. See I could talk about him; it’s just a joke with him. Doug Benson looks like he has a hooka intravenously hooked up to his vein. He does. Try and look at him straight in the eye and you will see a man who has been sleeping since the Comedy Boom ended.
Is that something you’re willing to go on the record with?
Yes, I am. And if Doug has a problem with it he knows where I live. Well, he doesn’t know where I live but he knows where my mailing address is. I always write down things from our discussions thinking they’re going to be funny as jokes and then they don’t work out later.
Other people read them later and then have a big laugh.
Exactly. Where is this going out? Is this going out to that paper where I have to go eight blocks down from the hotel and it’s in a thing?
No, this is for Starpulse.com.
Oh, that’s all you have to say.
Yes, all the talk of "pulse" is just going to make this more keyword friendly.
Oh it’s Starpulse.com?
Yes.
Is the fact that I’m not a star mean that it might not get into the paper?
No, no, you’re getting in. You’re in!
Am I a star, would you refer to me as a star?
I would.
Oh geez.
You’re on Letterman and that’s where the stars go.
That’s exactly right. And yes, I challenge Doug Benson to a smoke off. Right now, right here and right now. And I want him to bring the weed and then when we start the smoke off I steal the weed and I leave and declare him the victor.
Earlier in the interview you spoke of the satire of Saturday Night Live, which doesn't seem to be very potent. What do you consider potent satire in America today?
I think Steven Colbert is a genius. I don’t throw that word around loosely except every third sentence. As in, "Man this blender you bought is a genius." I believe that Steven Colbert is a genius because he is actually uncovering the hideousness of Bill O'Reilly and his ilk by playing him. So he’s doing it. I blame Lorne Michaels for everything. Lorne Michaels doesn’t know the difference between Richard Pryor and Dane Cook. They did all this Pro-Hillary Clinton stuff. One week they pretended that the media was in the tank from Barack Obama, which wasn’t even true. If there’s nothing negative to say about someone it doesn’t mean that the media is in the tank, it just means that there’s nothing to talk about at that particular juncture. But they had to pretend that the media was in the tank and the next week they bent over backwards to go the other way. They did a parody of the 3am ad and they had Fred Armisen as Barack Obama pretending like he was not sure what to do when the phone rang, so he calls up Hillary and she tells him everything and he starts going and they bleeped it out but he starts going, “Mother Fucker” and he’s doing it like a stereotypical black voice type thing. Is that satire? No, that’s just weak comedy that’s playing off stereotypes and when they’re confronted with it they’re gonna go, “Oh no no no no, we’re saying this is what Hillary Clinton is saying”. What they’re really saying is, "We don’t have a strong bit, it’s Wednesday afternoon, and we’re sunk”.
I agree with you that Colbert is a genius and his show is both hilarious and informative. But, is one man enough?
One man is not enough. That’s where I come in. That’s when you see me. I do at least 20 to 30 seconds of political material. Don’t they have The Capital Stairs? Did they retire?
No, I think that they’re going strong with nearly 30 albums in their repertoire.
How about Mark Russell?
Mark Russell. How about him?
Exactly. Case closed. He’s the guy who used to play piano.
Nothing.
And he used to go “Oh, Mr. Bush you got a problem!” He’s about 95 years old now.
I actually went to a town meeting once and it was full of elderly people. It’s only the elderly that stand between us and utter chaos.
That’s true. Thank God for the elderly, as I approach that age group. And don’t think that I’m ever going to stop, Ben. Because you told me years ago, you said, why, I think it was even in the first interview you did with me where you said, “Why have you not retired?” That was the first question you asked me. I’m going until I’m 90 and 100 years old. I’m in the classic tradition of Jewish comedians. In five years I will start rolling out my gall bladder jokes. Are you a fan of “My prostate is so swelled that” jokes?
How swelled is it?!
I had to change the size of my underwear? I don’t have a joke written yet. But when I do write it, you’re going to be sorry. You’re going to be laughing. On the floor.
Then it will be me and not you that has the swelled prostate.
The tables will have turned, is that what you’re saying, is that what you’re getting at?
I don’t really want to say that because my medical knowledge isn’t really up to snuff.
Right, what about you is up to snuff, you think? If you had to say? Is it the fact that your finger is on the star pulse of the nation?
Yes, and my interview skills.
Would you say that you were an ombudsman?
I don’t know if I’m really mediating anything, but-
-oh, I was just trying to find out what the word meant.
I think it’s a mediator between parties, like customers and business owners.
Oh, okay. I think you also have a good delivery too. Don’t sell yourself short, in case you were wondering.
I certainly won't. I was also thinking that satire can prompt people to re-evaluate things, people, events, etc, but I don't know how effective it is considering how apathetic the population seems to be.
I think people do care. If Barack Obama wins we’re not going to need as much satire because it will actually be something positive that will happen. I know you’re a big Huckabee fan, so I don’t want to get you upset.
Do you think that people are starting to care more now?
Yes, absolutely, because they see that we’re involved in seven wars, the temperature of the planet has increased by 40 or 50 degrees. Exaggeration is always funny, I told you that a long time ago. When you asked me “Andy, is exaggeration better than using the actual facts?” and I always told you -
- Yes, always-
Always go further. Ten is funnier than five. For example, when you’re in hot room, “What is it like a million degrees in here?” Boom, everyone’s laughing and the ladies are hanging off of you.
So you think that things have gotten so bad that people are starting to perk up and pay attention?
I hope so, but I’ve been wrong so many times before when I thought that there would be a spiritual awakening in the country. Or a political awakening.
When was the last time you thought one was coming?
I thought that John Kerry would win and things would turn around. I thought Gore would win, I thought Reagan wouldn’t get elected. I thought that the 60’s would continue, and by this time our hair would be down past our toes. We’d all have long hair and not just for Heavy Metal reasons.
Do you think long hair is the solution to some of our problems?
No, I think it was the problem, but we thought it was a solution. We said, “Hey you know what? Let’s grow our hair out long and that’ll be cool” but then we realized that it made us more angry. I have a picture from my high school yearbook that would make you sick. My hair is parted in the middle, it’s down to my shoulders and it's not unlike a Jesus cut. I looked like a man who needed a lot of detangler.
It seems like you have to bring the thing that will make people angry closer to them, like right in their faces, to get them really angry.
Yes, you mean like when your house is foreclosed?
Yes, like that.
Or when gas goes to 100 dollars a gallon?
Yes.
That kind of a thing?
Yes.
And when there’s no more work. And when you go to your bank and your bank says, “Oh, I’m sorry we're not a bank anymore.”
Yes, we need more of that.
Yes, that’s going to happen. Don’t worry about it, it’s coming.
So, what do you see coming?
I see a recession bordering on depression. And that’s when I take over. I’m going to buy low and sell high at that point. I’m hoping for it. I’m hoping that houses go down to a dollar.
So what will you do with all of your houses?
I will then jack up the price. My wife and I high five as the housing market crumbles. Because we’re renters. Is that wrong?
I don’t know much about the economy, so I don’t know when the perfect time to high five is.
What is your area of expertise?
Asking questions! So, the trouble is coming right to our door and you’re going to be there to profit off of it.
Yes, because when things go, do you remember in the 30’s, I don’t know how old you were in the 30’s during the Depression.
I think I was negative 57 years old.
Okay, in the Depression people went to see these Bugsy Berkeley musicals. Does it ring a bell to you?
I think I need a refresher.
Okay, it would be underwater ladies dancing in a line and they made these big musicals and they spent a lot of money to cheer people up because it was a depression. To a man like me, who brings joy to the non-masses, I'm going to be able to profit during down times. People want to laugh, they want to laugh when they’re depressed and broke. Unfortunately, they don’t want to pay a high-ticket price for that, so they’ll go to an open mike night.
That’s a mistake, I think.
Oh no, but they’ll go to some kind of a showcase where’s there’s good comics but you still don’t have to pay.
Also a mistake.
Now where do you live?
I’m in New Jersey.
Okay. Is anybody ever booked back at Helium in Philly? Or is it a pipe dream?
I hope they have you back.
Didn’t you have to punch somebody when you were there?
When I was there to see you there was almost a fight. It was like that one episode of Curb where there was a character named Hugh and Larry kept saying “Fuck Hughhh”
Right, and they were at a movie theatre, right?
Exactly. And there was one guy at your show who said, “Fuck You” and the other guy says “Oh No, Fuck You!”
Right, and there was a woman with one of them.
Yes! And the one guy brought his wife into it, and I think he said something lik,e “Fuck you and your piece of shit wife!”
Yes, and then you said, “Welcome to Philadelphia!” What a wonderful city. Maybe they shouldn’t have signed the Declaration of Independence. Is that where they signed the Declaration of Independence?
Yes.
Okay, I know three verses to “Philadelphia Freedom” and that’s all I know about Philadelphia. “Philadelphia Freedom, I love you. Yes, I do.” Do you want to hear my other Philadelphia joke?
Yes.
Philadelphia? Nice cream cheese.
I’m liking it.
Alright, I just want to let people know. A lot of people are wondering, “If I invite Andy to my small po-dunk town will he be able to do jokes about my town, specifically?”
The answer is yes.
Yes, name any city in the country and I’ll do a joke about it. Any city.
Pittsburgh.
Pittsburgh. Hey, things must be great around here since the steel industry’s gone.
Juneau.
Juneau? Was this city named after that movie?
San Diego.
San Diego? Could the weather be any nicer here? You people seem nice. I guess it’s because the weather’s so good.
Tempe.
That bastard who runs that club hasn’t booked me, oh I’m sorry I got out of line there. Whew, that’s where I did my Young Comedians special. Tempe, Arizona. "Tempe? More like Permanently.”
Your Young Comedians special is On Demand right now.
It’s On Demand and yet I can’t get a residual for it. Can’t get a residual.
But, what about the writers strike?
I couldn’t get a residual from that either.
How did you feel about the writers strike?
Well, when Jay Leno went off the air, I figured, "Alright, let’s just declare a victory and move on." You know what I mean? "Enough, we’ve done enough." That’s what I thought. And the other thing was that I thought it was strange that they gave certain award shows waivers and some they didn’t. They gave waivers for the Screen Actors Guild Awards and they say because they want to honor the actors. Because the Screen Actors Guild Awards are for people in front of the camera and it’s about time that people in front of the camera got some recognition. I’m so tired of all the costume designers hogging the limelight. The writers strike was very destructive toward me. I had just booked a six episode arc on Carpoolers as the guy in the diamond lane. As the guy in the Carpool lane who put a dummy in the passenger seat. Hilarious. Do you remember the show Carpoolers?
Yes, I interviewed Jerry Minor and TJ Miller .
Both funny people, but the show is gone now because of that writers strike or otherwise I’m sure we’d be drinking out of Carpooler mugs and we’d be fighting over it.
How do you feel about all the sitcom pilots that got axed?
That’s probably a good thing.
Now, how did you feel when they got rid of all the terrible shows that you could have made fun of?
I did feel a loss. I had less to talk and complain about, but then they started teasing American Gladiators. NBC, every second it was “American Gladiators is coming this Saturday American Gladiators, two more days until American Gladiators and” Did you watch the show?
I watched the first one.
What was your take?
I thought that they were trying to manipulate the audience by having a firefighter on.
They wanted him to be pro-firefighter? Oh, he was a firefighter.
Yes.
That wasn’t his weapon of choice.
No.
What do they do on American Gladiators? Do they take like a broomstick with a Scott towel around it? How do they knock each other out?
Exactly. It’s like a giant Q-tip.
And then they fall into a vat?
Yes, of water.
Wow. We’ve come a long way as a society. A lot of people say that we haven’t progressed. I say we’re going backwards.
I was surprised that even though it was first episode that people already had signs to cheer on their favorite Gladiators.
Yes, it’s amazing how quickly people get involved. I also heard that people at the American Gladiators were holding up Soul Patrol banners. You know what Soul Patrol banners refer to?
No.
Taylor Hicks from American Idol.
Ah.
Where have you been living, under a rock? He’s one of the winners of American Idol. He was a white guy that sang blues and soul, so the people who liked him considered themselves part of the Soul Patrol.
Ah. Makes sense now.
Does it make sense?
Not really. You said we’re going backwards because we’ve got Gladiators back on TV. Gladiators used to fight to the death and I see fights to the death ala Running Man as something that’s going to one day be on TV. What do you think?
I would love it. In fact on The Root of All Evil later on I will be arguing that Fox will one day have a show that is called “Snuff Said”, where people volunteer to be killed on film.
But there’s got to be some shows in between what we’ve got now and death on TV.
I think you’d have like some kind of Maimathon. A Maim Show. Instead of a game show it would be a Maim Show. Many years ago I pitched this show and no one bought it. It was called Malarious. You put comedians on a Malaria infested island and as they’re dying, you rate them on their jokes.
Do you like to put comedians in those sort of fish out of water situations?
That’s what's so great about those shows like Last Comic Standing: the main thing that I think of when I see stand up comedy is, "How can we make this look cheaper?"
They could probably stand to cheapen it even more.
Yes, I’ve always said that you should have comics performing in huge cans of baked beans or something. Or how Nickelodeon has that slime time? Maybe something like that. You don’t like the joke, and you have one of those things where you hit a guy and he falls into a duck tank. Is it a duck tank or a dunk tank?
I think Dunk.
D-U-C-K?
D-U-N-K.
I say that it should be a duck tank.
So it’s filled with ducks? Live or?
I think initially live and then we’ll play it by ear.
Now, you’ve got a few shows coming up yourself, including at Comix in New York.
Yes. The city is already a buzz about it. I’m getting a lot of emails on my fictional Myspace page about it.
What are they not saying to you?
They’re not saying, “Can’t wait for you to get to town, Andy. Boy is that going to be great. How much longer?” If you go to Times Square right now they’re doing a countdown clock to my appearance at Comix.
Why is it that you haven’t jumped onto the Myspace?
Because I feel like I wouldn’t want to do anything that would positively effect my career. I want to keep hungry, literally. Stay hungry, literally. Like today, I don’t have enough money to afford dinner. Hasn’t it reached its peak already?
I think so.
Haven’t people moved over to Facebook?
They have.
Are you on Facebook?
I am.
Should I move over there?
I don’t know if you can move over from a place that you haven’t actually been at.
Okay, I see. Oh, that’s right. Yes so good thing I didn’t start up over at the other place. But shouldn’t people just know me by now? Shouldn’t I be too much of a household name to need a Myspace page? Shouldn’t my fans, as obnoxious celebrities like to call their followers, have already made different Myspace pages for me?
Yes, but how will they ever have you leaving comments for them or them leaving comments for you?
No, there would be someone who would be like a fan club president making up stuff.
Saying the sort of things that you would say?
Saying the sort of things that I would say, exactly. I wouldn’t like direct involvement because I’m busy avoiding my obligations. I need to keep my eyes on the bigger picture.
What picture is that?
I’m not really sure. I’m thinking of like a mural maybe or a translight. That’s what I’m hoping for. In other words, what I’m thinking is how is the Andy Kindler brand going to go international? I’m trying to make the Andy Kindler brand international.
So, what have you been doing to make it go international?
Nothing. I’m hoping it just kind of goes viral. Isn’t that an expression the kids use?
Yes.
I’m hoping the Andy Kindler brand goes viral. Maybe booking something outside the country would help? That’s my first step.
Where outside the country were you thinking?
I've been to London and they love me there. Montreal Just for Laughs Festival.
How about Australia?
I thought about doing that one-year, but you have to go for like three weeks and that’s a long time. It’s a seven-week plane ride. If I was 18 maybe I would do it. But people go to Edinburgh, Scotland and they say it can be good, but if you’re at the wrong venue then no one sees you. Plus, I don’t want to go out of the country too long because I might miss something.
What sort of things do you think you might miss?
Like an audition for a voice over. Business opportunities.
I thought you meant like some sort of catastrophic event or embarrassment could happen over here.
No, no. I would like to cause an international incident. I really would.
Well, Starpulse is read all over the world.
Is it really?
Yes.
So, where do you think this can lead?
This can lead to an incident.
Oh, okay. I’ll say to you right now that outer Mongolia can kiss my ass. Greenland, I don’t think so. More like Brownland! More like…more like… I don’t have all the material yet, but when I do I will cause an international incident. Maybe I could just get injured in another country, would that be considered incidental? I often say my act, "Incidentally such and such." My father uses the term “parenthetically” which I’m amazed at.
What sort of context does he use that in?
He said, "I was trying to write a letter today. Parenthetically, I’ve been using new pens."
It seems like the air quote but with words.
Right, it is like the air quote. By the way I just invented a new Wii type game it’s like Guitar Hero Wii but it’s Air Quotes.
I hear some beeping and booping in the background. Are you playing the Wii right now?
No, someone is trying to call me because of my busy show business life. I’ve got a lot of stuff going on, Ben. You know, normally I wouldn’t be able to devote seven hours to this interview like I have. Because normally I have stuff going on all the time.
Well, I will make this.
No, I didn’t mean that as a cutoff. You took that the wrong way. I did not mean that as it came out. I just have general bitterness and anger that’s drifted over into our conversation.
Oh, okay. So I will make this the last question.
See, see what happens, I’ve made you feel bad now. I’ve ruined our relationship.
Not at all! It's just a perfect segue to a good last question, which is what have you got coming up?
Oh man, you really know how to launch me those soft balls don’t you?
Yes.
Did I mention I’m going to be on Root of All Evil, two episodes, Wednesdays on Comedy Central at 10:30, so there will be another episode coming up maybe it’ll be concurrent with my Comix run. And then hopefully I’m going to do another Late Show piece, did you see when I almost broke my back? Go on the Late Show website and you’ll see me at a Toy Fair. I go flying off a pogo stick. And yes, you laugh now, but I almost hurt my back. And then my wife took a picture of the bruise and the bruise is unbelievably horrible and it’s not been doctored. So, go under comedy clips.
I see that someone has illegally uploaded it.
On Youtube?
Yes.
And then, in May, I am touring on a tour called “Stand Uppity”. Stand Uppity: comedy that makes you feel better about yourself and superior to others along with the comedy stylings of Eugene Mirman and Marc Maron. We will be doing a whirlwind ten-day tour.
Where can people find out more about this?
Eventually there will be a StandUppity.com. Then maybe it will be on Myspace, Facebook, and Be Bo. Are you a member of Be Bo?
I don't even know what it is.
Big News. AOL spent $850 million on it. It’s big in New Zealand and overseas. If people just look up Stand Uppity by the time this article comes out there will be many different ways to buy tickets. We’re trying to take our show to the Hinterlands, those are the places that don’t normally get to see comedy. A lot of people say, "When do I get to see Andy Kindler?" In Newport, Kentucky for example, and Seattle, Santa Barbara, or San Francisco. "How do I get to see him?" they say. And this is how we do it. With our big tour.
I saw that you were on Big Shot Live .
Oh, that’s a web thing. Don’t promote that. Keep that low. That's a show where it’s like I’m playing a fake manager and it’s a web thing. I’m hoping to go down. A lot of people are trying to get bigger and I’m trying to get smaller. I’m actually in negotiation now with a dial up company. I’m making Mopisodes. What is a Mobisode?
Shows made for cell phones.
It’s for a cell phone and dial up company. I’ve also just signed a contract with Rabbit Ear International. For people that get to see their TV through rabbit ears.
Now what about the DVD?
The DVD is in its final completion phases. I just finished the bonus audio commentary, and that’s me commenting on me doing comedy. We’re finishing up the artwork and we’re doing it with a committee. It serves art by committee. That would be a hilarious joke in the fine art world. My wife directed the DVD and it's coming out through own record company called Big Phony Studios. I married her because of her directing abilities.
And her skills as a photographer.
And her skills as a photographer. And it’s coming out soon. I’ve been threatening that it was going to be coming out for months and years. People by this point are disgusted. And did I also mention it’s Blue Ray?
No.
It’s not on Blue Ray.
Now when this DVD comes out I’d like to call dibs on an interview.
Absolutely. How will we remember this?
Well, we can record the whole thing and put it on the internet.
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