Barack Obama: Secret Muslim
I can only imagine what being a secret Muslim entails.
Obama is filling out a survey. He gets to a question that says religion. He checks off Muslim. “Oh oh,” he says, “That’s a secret.” He erases it.
Obama is walking down a hallway. An accountant wearing a Kippa, in his mid-40′s, and dressed business casual passes the presumptive democratic nominee.
Obama: Excuse me?
Accountant: Barry Hussain Obamastein? Don’t you remember me? I’m Walter Zimmerman. From Queens. We studied Torah at Temple Beth Israel. You once fell on your tuckus and dropped all the latkes during the Seder.
Obama: Here’s 50 bucks; don’t tell anyone.
Obama is walking down the street and passes a man wearing a turban. The man is a Muslim, not a Sikh. You can tell because Sikh’s usually have a beard, wear an iron bracelet, and also have a little dagger on their person. It represents the Sikh’s commitment to protecting his faith. Anyway, Obama and the Muslim exchange knowing winks.
Obama is in what appears to be heaven. It is foggy. He is speaking to a man in a turban. Behind them is a group of women.
Obama: Are these the virgins?
Man: They may or they may not be.
Obama: Well, which is it?
Man: That’s confidential information meant for Muslims only.
Obama: But I am a Muslim!
Man: No, you’re a secret Muslim and secret Muslims end up in clandestine heaven.
Obama and the 7 Supreme Court justices are in his bedroom.
Clarence Thomas: Truth or dare.
Clarence Thomas: Are you a Muslim?
Clarence Thomas: You can’t do that!
Obama: Come on!
Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Yeah, let him!
Clarence Thomas: Fine, drink this coke that has a pube on it.
Scooby-doo and the gang surround a giant, monstrous genie that has fallen in a big vat of glue. They unmask him.
Obama: That’s right. How did you know it was me?
Velma: I first suspected it when you declined that delicious pork roll egg and cheese. Then when I found the rug under your bed and you said it was a bath mat, I had a hunch that I knew what it was really for. But I knew it for sure when I found that secret service pin near the fog machine.
The police arrive.
Obama: I would have gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for you meddling kids!
Obama in the oval office. An aid runs in.
Aid: Mr. President! Mr. President! I have awful news.
Aid: Look at this.
Holds up Who’s Who in Secret Muslims.
Obama: Awwww, Shiite.
Inside the office of the editor-in-chief of the National Enquirer.
The copy editor enters and hands him the dummy for the newest issue. On the cover stands a large, rotund Obama covered in blueberries. The headline proclaims: Barack Obama: Secret Muffin.
Obama, now president, is speaking at a press conference.
Obama: That’s right, I’m out of the closer: I’ve been a Muslim all along. I believe that there is no God but Allah and that Muhammad (peace be upon him) is his prophet, I pray five times a day while facing Mecca, I give alms to the poor, I fast during Ramadan, and I have made the pilgrimage to Mecca. I hope you’re all mature enough to accept that.
Obama is behind the counter of a laundry shop. He’s retrieving a customer’s load.
Customer: How do you get your shirts so clean, Mr. Obama?
Obama: Ancient Muslim secret.
In an adjacent room, Michelle Obama overhears the conversation.
Michelle Obama: My husband, some hot shot. Here’s his ancient Muslim secret: new and improved Calgon. Calgon’s two water softeners soften water so that detergents clean better. Even in the hardest water, Calgon helps laundry detergent get clothes up to 30% cleaner.
Michelle Obama walks to the front of the store just as the customer is heading out the door.
Michelle Obama: We need more Calgon!
Customer: Ancient Muslim secret, huh?