Int. Car dealership-Day
LIGHTS UP:
A BEEKEEPER in a beekeeper’s getup sits across from a SALESPERSON. They’re in a cubicle, with sales awards, family photos, and knickknacks all over the place.
beekeeper
My friends ask me, “What are you doing buying a new car with a beekeeper’s salary?” but I say, “Hey, I earned it!” You know I don’t even take this suit off so I can spend more time with the bees? Besides, this hybrid’s good for the environment.
Salesperson
That it is. And what’s good for the environment is good for the bees. Speaking of which, if you want, we can customize the car so that the bees ride up front with you.
BEEKEEPER
No, that’s my worst fear come true.
The salesperson takes a printout from a fax machine.
SALESPERSON
Looks like you’re approved for the loan.
BEEKEEPER
Great. Do you hear that?
SALESPERSON
Hear what?
BEEKEEPER
Like a buzzing sound.
SALESPERSON
Nope.
BEEKEEPER
Weird.
(beat)
Anyway, there’s not a lot of gas stations up near the colony–did you know we call them colonies? Not farms; colonies. And, anyway, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been so engrossed in bee thoughts that I plum run out of gas.
SALESPERSON
Well, this thing gets nearly 500 miles with a full tank, so you don’t have to worry about that.
BEEKEEPER
Great! Are you sure you don’t hear anything?
Salesperson
Not a thing.
BEEKEEPER
Alright. Oh! And don’t skip on the rust proofing–it gets real dewy in the morn’.
SALESPERSON
Usually I have to convince people to get the rust proofing.
BEEKEEPER
Well you don’t have to convince me!
(laughs, then deadly serious)
Oh God: a bee is in the suit!
The beekeeper begins to scream and run around, punching at the suit and knocking things over. The beekeeper falls to the floor, thrashing about as if on fire. The salesperson stands off to the side, but when it starts to look as if the beekeeper is going out of the way to make a mess, the salesperson tries to intervene–about when the beekeeper has knocked everything off the desk, punched family photos across the stage, and messed up the salesperson’s outfit.
The two begin to tussle, but the beekeeper’s too much of a force. Soon the salesperson is on the floor and the beekeeper is off the stage, turning the theater lights on and off while the salesperson tries and fails to get up because there’s just too much slippery, slippery paper on the floor.
Then the beekeeper’s stomping on a smashed trophy, grabs a stapler, and begins to shoot at the salesperson. The beekeeper’s panting, slowing down, realizing what’s just happened, surveying the damage, one last staple fired…
BEEKEEPER
(panting)
It’s dead. Let’s talk safety features.
BLACK OUT
