Benkharakh.com

By Ben Kharakh

Theme:

One's a cop
The other's a crook
They switched faces,
But the lab went kaput

Now what's been done
They can't undo
So they're living together
On Channel 102

Int. Kevin and John's Apartment Day

You'd be surprised how much this looks like Jerry's apartment from Seinfeld. Kevin's watching TV and John's at the fridge.

John: Do you like milk?

Kevin: I'm lactose intolerant.

John: So, if I drink this will your face throw up?

Kevin: You'll be fine.

Microwave dings.

Kevin: Oh, bring me the popcorn.

John: You hate popcorn.

Kevin: No, you hate popcorn. I love it!

John: Well, just don't get any salt on my lips. I don't want them getting chapped.

Kevin: Or what, you'll punch me in the face?

John: No, I'll punch me in your face.

Kevin: Just bring me the popcorn.

John walks over and sits next to Kevin. They sit in silence.

John: Your mom's coming over soon.

Kevin: My mom or your mom?

John: Well, it's your mom, but she's coming to see me.

Doorbell rings.

John: That might not be her, but it probably is.

John opens the door and a woman in her late sixties enters.

Mother: Kevin!

Kevin turns his head.

John: Mom!

John and Kevin's mother embrace at the threshold. She enters and stands in between John and Kevin, who remains seated.

Mother: Why are you living here and who's that?

John: Oh, that's my…business partner… and we're living together because…of a… project… that we're working on… for business.

Mother: What's wrong with your voice?

John: Sore throat.

Mother: Business partner? Sore throat? You're gay now!

John: No! Oh! I'm not your son. Kevin is.

Kevin waves.

John: I mean I'm Kevin, but I'm not. His face is. See, we switched faces, but not minds. So he's got my face on his face and his face is my face. And that's why my voice is not Kevin's voice but John's voice who is me, but I'm Kevin.

Kevin's mother seems puzzled.

John: Forget it. We're gay.

Mother: I knew it! (Throws arms up in the air and heads for the door.) Ever since I walked in on you listening to Judas Priest.

Mother exits.

John: I don't get it.

Kevin: Rob Halford is gay.

John: Not as gay as you're going to be!

Kevin: What is your problem?!

John: I don't like walking around with your stupid face and I don't like my face saying the stupid things that you say.

Super secret phone rings. They press a button and the Chief's face appears on a screen.

Kevin: Chief, why do we have to live together?

Chief: Because we're working on the face surgery right now and we need you two to be together at all times incase we figure it out and need you to come down right away. What if you're apart, we need you here, but you don't show up in time? Your faces explode!

John: Our faces explode!

Chief: Yeah, it could happen. So unless you want exploded faces, you're going to keep living together.

Kevin: You didn't call to feed us this bullshit, did you?

Chief: No, there's a crime going on down the street and I want you to stop it.

Kevin: Whoa! We're not super heroes.

Chief: Yeah, but it's down the street. Come on, it's just a robbery. Show up, stop it, and then you can steal stuff. Just hold the guy till the cops show up.

John: Oh man, I haven't stolen in so long!

Int. elevator Day

Kevin, John, and a young attractive woman are standing in the elevator.

John: I'm Kevin Ferguson and I'm borderline retarded.

Kevin: Stop it.

John: I sure am incompetent and do a poor job of preparing breakfast. I can't crack an egg without getting shell everywhere, including the egg.

Kevin: I mean it.

John: I got piss drunk and threw up in my own pants because I thought it was a good idea.

Kevin: Well, I'm John Johnson and I love dudes!

John: Ha, you love dudes!

Kevin: Damn it.

Ext Street Day

John and Kevin exit their apartment building and head down the street toward a bodega.

John: What are we going to do?

Kevin: He's going to be standing next to the door pointing a gun in the cashier's face, I'll go in, he'll turn to face me, I do the arm move and discharge all the rounds, and then I force him to the ground.

John: That's not gonna work.

Kevin: Of course it will. You crooks are all the same.

They approach the bodega. A crook is inside pointing a gun in the cashier's face. Kevin enters.

Int Bodega Day

The crook turns to face Kevin, Kevin grabs the crook's hand, discharges all the rounds in the gun into the floor, flips the crook onto his back, and presses his foot against his head. John scampers into the store, muttering.

John: Stealing stealing stealing, me me me.

Kevin: No stealing!

John: I'm gonna steal no matter what you say, so you better just tell me what you want or I'm going to steal something you won't like.

Kevin: Fine. Get some cereal, mints, and a thing of Fiddle Faddle.

John runs down the aisles.

Kevin: I don't feel like waiting for the cops. (Kevin looks at the cashier.) Give me your belt.

The cashier undoes his belt and Kevin hog-ties the crook. John runs out of the store holding an obscene amount of stolen goods. Kevin follows.

Int. Kevin and John's Apartment Day

Kevin's watching TV and eating Fiddle Faddle. Doorbell Rings. John opens the door. A woman and a little boy enter.

Kevin: Look, Kevin, it's your wife, Lauren, and your son, Mike.

John: That's right, John. And you know that because I talk about them so much.

Lauren: Can I speak with you in private?

Int Kevin's Bedroom Day

Lauren: Look, I was cool with you moving out because you told me it was for work. And I was cool with you living with a roommate because, again, you told me it was for work. Now your mother tells me that you're gay and if you tell me it's for work, we're going to have a problem.

John: Listen: I'm not gay. Would a gay guy do this (puts hand on breast) or this (messes up his own hair) or this (Turns off Bravo Network)?

Int. Living Room Day

Kevin and his son are sitting on the couch watching cartoons. Lauren exits the bedroom.

Lauren: Let's go, Mikey.

Lauren and Mikey exit. John smiles.

John: I just fucked your wife.

Kevin: Yeah? Well, I just fucked your son.

John: That's your son.

Kevin: Oh no!

Cut to black.