Benkharakh.com

By Ben Kharakh

Theme:

One's a cop
The other's a crook
They switched faces,
But the lab went kaput

Now what's been done
They can't undo
So they're living together
On Channel 102

Int. Kevin and John's Apartment Day

Kevin and John are watching TV when the super secret phone rings. They answer and the Chief's face appears.

Chief: Things are going well down at the lab. They just need more funding, so I set up a pitch meeting for you guys. I'm faxing you the outline right now and there will be a car waiting for you downstairs. Just have them make the check out to Advanced Scientific Studies.

Kevin: Most meetings don't end with money being handed over.

Chief: This one probably will.

Chief signs off.

Int. taxi day

Kevin and John are sharing the back seat. John is covered in papers.

Int. Waiting Room Day

One would be surprised to learn that all waiting rooms look the same. If you've seen one, you've seen them all, including this one.

Kevin: Where's the outline?

John: I left it in the cab.

Kevin: Why'd you leave it in the cab?

John: Why'd Hitler invade Poland?

Kevin: Jews? Jews made you forget the outline?

Secretary: They're ready to see you now.

Int. Boardroom Day

Kevin and John walk into the boardroom. There is a large wooden chair in the center surrounded by men of various ethnicities and ages. Many of them are mustachioed. There is a projector. Kevin fiddles around with a laptop and soon a picture of him and John with their faces off is displayed on the wall behind them.

Kevin: We stand before you as strangers, but if you knew us previously you'd know that something wasn't right. That our bodies and voices were different, yet our faces are the same. But these faces are not our own, they are each other's. We have literarily switched faces.

John: That's right Kevin, or should I say John?

Kevin: Don't. It'll only confuse people. And we don't want to confuse our patrons, who have so graciously opened their wallets to us so that they, their children, and their children's children can all switch faces with one another. After all, it's all about giving. And, speaking of giving, how much are you willing to give? Us. Now.

Man 1: One million dollars.

Kevin: Oh.

Man 2: Two million dollars.

Kevin: Ah.

Man 1: Three million dollars.

Kevin: Oh, you want to give more than before. Great.

A bidding war ensues.

Man 3: Fifteen million dollars.

Silence. Others get up to leave.

Kevin: Oh, only one of you will be paying? Well, it's good that it's such a high number then. You can make the check out to Advanced Scientific Studies.

Man 3 hands Kevin a suitcase full of money.

Kevin: A box full of money also works.

Int. Taxi Day

Kevin: I recognized all of those mustaches from the FBI's most wanted list.

John: Then it's okay for us to steal the money.

Kevin: What would you do with fifteen million dollars?

John: I'd get two dicks so I can fuck two chicks at the same time.

Kevin: And where are you going to keep your two dicks?

John: (Matter-of-factly) On my dick.

Kevin: So you're going to have two dicks on top of the dick you already have?

John: Yeah. Hey, do you think it's okay for us to be having this conversation in front of the cab driver?

Kevin: Yeah, he doesn't know we switched faces.

John: He knows now.

Kevin: He doesn't believe that we switched faces.

Int. Apartment Day

Kevin and James enter and are surprised to find a well-dressed man in their living room.

Tony: Hi. They call me Tony Two Suits on account of my wearing two suits.

Kevin: Why do you wear two suits?

Tony: Cause I'm a sophisticate. What sort of floors are these?

Kevin: Wood.

Tony: Oh. Mine are marble and mahogany. The mahogany is on top of the marble.

Tony walks into the kitchen and examines the cupboard.

Tony: My drawers have both knobs and handles.

Kevin: Isn't a knob a type of handle?

Tony: Yeah, and mine have both. And I have a water cooler, in addition to my sink. It's got separate spigots for hot and cold water, but they both dispense hot and cold water.

Kevin slinks off into the kitchen.

Tony: Cause if you think about it, look at the human body. It's got two of everything: two eyes, two ears, two nose holes, two dicks, two legs, two guns.

John: Two guns?

Tony: That's right. Gimme your money.

Kevin: Okay. We keep it in this drawer. Along with the knives!

Kevin reaches into the drawer, pulls out two knives, and throws them into Tony, who keels over.

Kevin: But we sometimes keep our knives in our guests.

Super secret phone rings. John answers and the chief appears.

Chief: What happened?

Kevin: This guy tried to rob us.

Chief: Who? Tony Two Suits? He's a good guy. Someone must have switched faces with him! You can't trust anyone.

John: Including you?

Chief: I may be the only one you can trust. We better meet somewhere no one would ever suspect. Like the abandoned mannequin warehouse on the pier, in an hour.

Int. Warehouse Day

The warehouse is entirely empty, except for the Chief.

Chief: Did you bring the money?

Kevin: No, we left it at home, Chief.

Chief: I'm not the chief. I'm the doc.

Kevin: We know. We figured it out pretty quick.

Chief: Then why'd you come here?

Kevin: Cause we wanted to hear it straight from the horse's mouth and that horse is you.

John: So the chief is out there somewhere with your face on his?

Chief: No, he's dead.

John: Why didn't you just switch faces with the mayor?

Chief: I don't want to be in charge. I just want to be rich.

Kevin: Wait, you invented face-switching technology and you can't make any money?

Chief: No. No one wants it. Who's going to buy it? The same people who want x-ray vision? That gives you eye cancer and makes your eyes explode.

John: Your eyes explode! I'm noticing a pattern with your inventions.

Chief: But did you notice that I switched your brains?

John: No, but it all makes sense now. That's why. Wait. No it doesn't. Because then I would be Kevin and not John with Kevin's face.

Chief: You're right. I actually switched your heads.

Kevin: You have a doctoral thesis and that's the best that you could come up with?

Chief: Oh!

The Chief waves his index finger in the air.

Kevin: What?

The Chief waves his finger again.

Kevin: What?

Chief: Just get in here!

A guitar plays the solo from Bohemian Rhapsody.

Kevin: Is someone pumping Queen into here?

A man in a white unitard with flames running up its sides and red boots enters, playing the guitar.

Chief: This is the guy that's going to kill you.

John: I know that guy from the Internet. He has a Blog where he fights zoo animals. There's video of him flipping a chimp and punching a whale in the face.

The badass guy charges Kevin, who side steps.

John: Watch out! His axe is an axe.

Kevin takes off his belt and wraps it around his fist.

Kevin: Don't worry, I'll punch him in the throat.

Kevin and the guy square off. Kevin swings his fist, the guy catches it, and bites Kevin's thumb off, spitting it into his face.

Kevin: Ahh!

Kevin punches the guy in the throat with such force that he keels over. The chief runs over and tries to stomp on Kevin's thumb.

Kevin: No!

Kevin tackles the chief, hog ties him with his belt, picks up his thumb, and runs out screaming.

Cut to black.

Int Apartment Day

John is sitting on the couch. Kevin is showing off his thumb.

Kevin: The doctor said no high fives for at least a year, but, on the bright side, he also said we don't have to worry about our faces exploding.

John: That's great, but now that the Chief's killer is in jail, we're not going to have to live together anymore and I can't afford to stay here.

Kevin: Well, I guess you could live with me and my family until you get your feet off the ground, but we have a bit of a wacky neighbor. And the new chief is coming over for dinner tonight, so you might have to pretend that you're me.

John: Man, that's going to be tough. All I've been able to think about lately is if that bad ass guitar guy's gonna come back for revenge, if we're ever going to get our faces back, and how my twin brother's going to re-act when he comes to visit.

Fade to black and fade out audio.

The Possibilities!