Narrator: They were supposed to die…

Michael, early twenties, is standing on a train platform surrounded by twelve other would be passengers. All stare forward, shocked by seeing a plane nose dive into their train just hundreds of feet away.

Narrator: And they will!

O Fortuna begins.

cut to

Int. Doctor’s office- day

A doctor looks at a torso X-ray while a survivor sits on an examination table.

Doctor: It’s terminal.

CUT TO

Int. Convenience Store- Day

A red faced survivor is crawling toward the counter on their knees. They hold up a scone.

Customer: Are there nuts in this?!

CUT TO

Ext. House- Day

A survivor is cleaning the gutters when the ladder slips out from under him.

Survivor 1: Whoa!

CUT TO

INT. Pharmacy- Day

A pharmacist speaks to a teary eyed customer.

Pharmacist: Death is a fairly common reaction to mixing medication and alcohol.

CUT TO

int. house- day

A survivor, grasping at their throat, reaches for an inhaler but knocks it behind a dresser.

Survivor 2: Whoops.

CUT TO

int. bathroom- day

A cop talks to an elderly woman in a robe.

Woman: I guess he just slid into the bath.

CUT TO

int. home- day

An elderly survivor falls down the stairs.

Narrator: This summer.

CUT TO

EXT- DRIVEWAY- Day

A survivor has a heart attack while shoveling snow.

CUT TO

INT. nursing home- day

O Fortuna climaxes as a doctor pulls the sheets over an elderly Micheal’s face. Micheal’s wife and two kids observe.

Doctor: He was just old.

Narrator: People Are Gonna Die.

An orderly comes in and begins to disconnect the monitors. The doctor talks to the family.

Narrator: Well, not just this summer. All the time, really. It’s inevitable. And not always in weird ways too. Cardiac arrest, cancer, pneumonia, malnutrition, diarrhea. Don’t laugh at that! That’s serious- like three million people a year; most of them kids! In Africa. Shiiiit. Africa.

The doctor takes a knee with the kids.

CUT TO

Close up of the children.

Narrator: Oh, that’s a bummer.

CUT TO

Movie Credits.

Narrator: People Are Gonna Die-coming soon to a theater near you. Maybe even in the theater, you know? Shit. I gotta call my mom.

BLACK OUT

A MAN scans the dog food shelf.

Man: Dog eats better than I do.

CUT TO

Int- Dining Room- Night

The man eats a cheap TV dinner while a golden retriever eats fancy dog food.

CUT TO

Int- Pet Store- Day

The man looks at dog beds.

Man: Dog sleeps better than I do too.

CUT TO

int- Bedroom- Night

The dog sleeps on a big, comfy dog bed while the man shivers on a shitty, old mattress.

CUT TO

Int- pet store- day

The man, holding a bag of dog food and a dog mat, walks toward the exit while the female cashier glares at him.

Man: Dog gets more women than I do.

CUT TO

ext. Park- day

A WOMAN approaches the dog as the man stands nearby.

Woman (playfully): Want to come home with me?

Man: Sure.

Woman: I meant the dog.

The woman winks at the dog and walks off.

CUT TO

ext. Parking lot- day

The man crashes his car into another car.

Man: Dog drives better than I do.

CUT TO

EXT. PARKING LOT- DAY

A bewildered chow-chow stares at the man from behind the steering wheel of its car.

cut to

EXT. PARKING LOT- DAY

Man: I bet the dog gets the cop on its side.

CUT TO

EXT. PARKING LOT- DAY

The chow-chow talks to a uniformed K-9.

CUT TO

EXT. PARKING LOT- DAY

The man is cuffed and put into the back seat of a police cruiser.

CUT TO

int. court- day

Man: Great, the dog’s friends with the judge!

CUT TO

int. court- day

The chow chow and Judge Bull Dog , who wears a robe and powdered wig, circle each other, sniffing each other’s butts. The judge knocks the gavel to the floor in excitement.

CUT TO

int. execution chamber- day

The man sits, strapped to the electric chair.

Man: There is no justice in a world run by dogs!

close up

A paw pulls a lever.

CUT TO

int. viewing room- day

A group of dogs in top hats, cumberbuns, tiaras, and blouses bark and howl as the man receives 10,000 volts.

BLACKOUT

Arnold (Schwarzenegger) is walking down the street when a barker hands him a flyer for Rekall–a place where memories of vacations are injected into your mind.

Arnold: Dah, I tell you what: I could really use a vacation right now.

Flyer Guy: You should go to Rekall; it’s like being on a vacation.

Arnold: Yah, but I actually wanna go.

Flyer Guy: It’ll be just like you’ve gone.

Arnold: I don’t want a stupid, virtual vacation!

Flyer Guy: It’s not a virtual vacation, okay? It’s memories of a vacation.

Arnold: Yah, and I’d remember that I didn’t go.

Flyer Guy: Look, it’s just like going, but better.

Arnold: How is it better?

Flyer Guy: For three thousand dollars you can go anywhere–even Mars!

Arnold: For that much money I can just go to Mars!

Flyer Guy: Who wants to deal with all that flying!

Arnold: Me!

Flyer Guy: And the crime!

Arnold: I can fight crime!

Flyer Guy: What about your job?

Arnold: I’ll quit–and fight crime on Mars! I’ll send you a postcard!

Flyer Guy: But you don’t actually have to go! It just takes an hour; and they inject the memories right into your brain.

Arnold: Yah, that sounds really great. But, I tell you what: you do it!

Arnold shoves the flyer back into the barker’s hands and walks off.

The marquee reads: Clark Park Players Present: Murder Mystery

CUT TO

int. auditorium- Night

The lights dim and the curtains go up to reveal ten cast members sitting around a dinner table– all dressed like their professions. A conversation begins and is interrupted by a brief black out.

The CHEF approaches the JUDGE and pulls on the knife.

Chef: (acterly) Is there a doctor in the house?! This man has been stabbed!

The character of the Doctor gets up.

Doctor: (acterly) This man is dead…and one of you did it!

The characters on stage gasp.

Doctor: (out of character) Wait, this man is actually dead… And one of you did it!

The audience gasps. Malone and Frankenstein run up onstage. (Frankenstein is wearing a brown trench coat and a fedora.)

Malone: Nobody move! Detectives Malone and Frankenstein.

They both hold up their badges.

Frankenstein: Grrr.

Malone: We’ll get to the bottom of this!

The chef points at the MAILMAN.

Chef: You did this! I heard you two arguing.

Malone: What were you arguing about?

Frankenstein (supportive): Grrr!

Mailman: It was over a football game. He owed my brother, the plumber, a hundred grand. But I didn’t do it. It was the army man! The judge slept with his wife.

Malone points at the ARMY MAN.

Malone: He slept with your wife?

Army Man: Not my wife. I just play an army man. I’m really a banker. The butler played the army man.

Malone points at the BUTLER.

Malone:  He slept with your wife?

Butler: Not my wife. The butler’s wife–

Fireman (interrupting): Yeah, I’m actually a butler.

Frankenstein: (frustrated) Grrr.

Malone: Yeah, this is confusing.

Fireman: No, it’s fine. I’m a butler playing a fireman and the journalist who played the judge slept with my wife, the dentist, who plays an accountant. But we saw a counselor and worked through it. I even forgave him. Unlike the accountant!

Malone: You’re wife?

Fireman: No! The accountant. The judge killed his kid in a drunk driving accident.

Accountant: I’ve made my peace! Not that you have, reverend!

Everyone looks at the REVEREND.

Reverend: What?!

Accountant: Oh, don’t act dumb! We all know the judge was blackmailing you cause you slept with one of your students.

Astronaut: No, it was me he was blackmailing.

Everyone looks at the ASTRONAUT.

Astronaut: I slept with one of my professors–one of my male professors. I didn’t want anyone to know. But I didn’t do it. I can’t hold anything in this suit.

Boxer: I can’t hold anything either.

The BOXER holds up his gloves.

Malone: I’m so lost! And, wait, he owes you money?

Malone points at the PLUMBER

Mailman: No, my brother’s not in the play. He just is a plumber.

Plumber: Yeah, I’m a dentist. I killed the judge–

Frankenstein: (like a surprised dog in a movie) Grrr?

Malone: Yeah, did you just confess?

Plumber: (nervous) No! I was confused.

Malone: Tell it to the judge! (beat) One you haven’t killed.

Plumber: (scared) I didn’t kill anyone! It was an accident.

Malone: Oh, so you killed him by accident?!

Plumber: (panicked) No, I mean, I didn’t mean to admit it– to say it.

Malone: Cause you’d go to jail!

Plumber: (terrified) No, cause I didn’t want anyone to know!

Malone: That’s what I said!

Plumber: (defeated) Shit! Yes!

The plumber starts running away. Frankenstein makes a fist with his left hand, rips off his left arm, and nails the plumber in the back of the head, knocking him over. Malone cuffs the plumber.

Malone: A regular whodunit, amma right? (beat) Seriously, I have no idea what just happened.

BLACKOUT

Detective MALONE stands amidst the scene of a struggle. The camera follows his description of what happened.

Malone: It looks like they fought near the bed. Then he dragged her toward the dresser. That’s where she hit him with the vase, which made him so angry that he strangled her. (beat) What do you think, Frankenstein Detective?

The camera moves toward FRANKENSTEIN, who is wearing a beige trench coat and fedora. He immediately starts flipping over furniture.

Frankenstein: Grrrr!

Malone pulls out a Zippo and directs the flame toward Frankenstein, who cowers in the corner. Malone walks over to where the bed once was and picks up a book of matches.

Malone: McNulty’s, eh?

CUT TO

Int. Bar- Night

Malone and Frankenstein interrogate the bar tender, who never stops cleaning glasses. Malone holds up a picture of the victim.

Bartender: Yeah, I seen her. I see a lotta people.

Malone: She was found dead in her apartment last night.

Bartender: Lotta people I see die in their apartments.

Malone: She was murdered. She come in here with anybody?

Bartender: I know my rights; I don’t gotta say nothin’.

Malone steps away from the bar, puts a cigarette in his mouth, and fiddles with his Zippo.

Malone: Real shame– pretty, young lady like that. Frank hates it when pretty, young ladies get hurt. Don’tchaya, Frank?

Frankenstein: Grrr.

Frankenstein approaches the bar. Malone continues to fiddle with the Zippo.

Malone: Gets him all riled up. (beat) Yeah, I know your rights. Frank here, though, little fuzzy on them, ‘specially if he’s riled up.

Frankenstein lifts the bartender by his collar.

Frankenstein:  Grrr!

Malone: Nothing short of a torch stops him once he gets goin’. You don’t happen to have a torch back there?

Bartender:  I’ll talk. I’ll talk!

Malone gets the Zippo to work, causing Frankenstein to drop the bar tender and cower in the corner.

Bar Tender: He paid for their drinks with a credit card! Older guy; never seen him before.

CUT TO

Int. Appartment lobby- night

Frankenstein and Malone stand at the door of a penthouse. LUKE DERRICK opens the door.

Malone: Luke Derrick?

Luke: Yes.

Malone: Detectives Frankenstein and Malone.

They show their badges.

Malone:  Wanted to ask you a few questions about a young lady you were with two nights ago.

Luke: I see a lot of ladies.

Malone:  She was found murdered in her apartment.

Luke:  A lot of ladies I see are murdered in their apartments.

Malone: We found your blood at the scene of the crime.

Luke pushes past Malone and Frankenstein and runs down the hallway. Frankenstein makes a fist with his left hand, rips his arm off, and nails Luke in the back of the head with it, knocking him over. Malone cuffs Luke.

Malone: Too bad you can’t nail ‘em like that at the free throw line.

CUT TO

Int. Basketball Court- Night

Close up of a ball missing the net.

CUT TO

Wide shot of Malone and Frankenstein wearing basketball shorts and tank tops.

Malone: Maybe if you pretend the net’s trying to get away with murder.

CUT TO

Close up of Frankenstein’s ripped-off left arm missing the net.

CUT BACK

Malone: Nope.

BLACKOUT

Secretary General: First on the list: what do we call the world?

US Diplomat: Earthmerica.

Secretary General: No.

US Diplomat: Ameriearth.

Secretary General: No.

US Diplomat: AmericaAmericaAmerica.

Secretary General: No!

US Diplomat: “Earth”, but spelled America.

Secretary General: No.

US Diplomat: “America”, but spelled Earth.

Secretary General: No! Let’s move on for now. What shall we call the currency?

US Diplomat: Eartmerican Earth Dollars. And Earth is spelled America.

Secretary General: Get out!

US Diplomat: All I’m hearing is, “USA! USA! USA!”

Blackout (pronounced “America”)

Goon 1 (awkwardly): Hey, real nice house you got there– be a real shame if something happened to it.

Cut To:

Goon 2  stands in front of a stock photo of a brand new, red Corvette.  He’s wearing a shirt that messes up the green screen.

Goon 2:Hey, that’s a sweet ride– be a bummer if it got banged up out on the street.

Cut To:

Goon 3  in front of a stock family portrait.

Goon 3: Hey, beautiful family; beautiful family–be a real tragedy if someone picked your kid up on the way home from school. Know what I mean?

Goons 1 and 2 enter the shot.

GOON 1: We don’t wanna gotta say something, but we’re sayin’ something.

GOON 2: These things happen, God forbid.

GOON 3: God Forbid.

All three goons look down at the ground and then, simultaneously, look up at the screen.

Goons 1, 2, & 3: At Albrizio Insurance, we don’t wanna gotta do nothin’!

Cut To:

Ext. Parking Lot- Day

An antsy woman gives a testimonial.

Woman: I was getting all these phone calls late at night. I’d pick up and there’d be no one there. I called Albrizio Insurance and the phone calls stopped.

Woman smiles nervously.

Cut To:

A man with his arm in a sling gives a testimonial.

Man: I didn’t think anything of it at first because so many other people saw the commercial. I guess I got confused, which is why my arm got all banged up. Now I send a check to Albrizio twice a month so I don’t get any more confused.

Cut To:

An Italian-American grandmother, fresh from the kitchen, delivers a testimonial.

Grandmother: Those Albrizio boys are nice boys; I don’t know why the police are always giving them such a hard time. They’re good for the neighborhood and make me feel safe.

Cut to

Ext. store front- day

Photo of Albrizio Insurance store front on a cheap green screen. All three goons are present.

GOON 1: So call Albrizio Insurance today.

GOON 2: ‘Cause it’s a dangerous world out there

GOONS 1, 2, & 3 (while pointing at camera, out of sync): And we don’t wanna gotta do nothing

GOON 3: And don’t go to the police.

BLACK OUT.

It’s early morning. A bus pulls out of frame to reveal Larry Crown, a mid-50′s Tom Hanks. He wears beige slacks, a checkered shirt, a sailor’s cap, and a brown jacket. He crosses a busy intersection to reach the U-Mart parking lot. Therein, Crown grabs hold of a shopping cart and pushes it quickly, gains momentum, and hops on– riding the cart toward the U-Mart entrance. Along the way, fellow employees shout, “Larry!” and, “Hey!” not because they want to say hello, but because Larry is reckless. The cart hits the curb with a thump right as Mr. Warner, the store’s manager, steps out to greet Larry.

Mr. Warner: Larry, today’s your lucky day.

Larry: Everyday’s my lucky day, Mr. Warner.

Mr. Warner: Now, Larry, you know that proposition doesn’t make any sense because being lucky can only exist in juxtaposition to being unlucky.

Larry: I don’t understand what that means, Mr. Warner. I’m just an ex-Navy cook getting by on charm and optimism. I ain’t got any of that fancy learnin’ that you got.

Mr. Warner: Well, Larry, let me show you something that you can understand.

Mr. Warner extends his hand, within which is a nametag that reads “Larry Crown: Manager”.

Larry: Manager! But I’ve been a stock boy almost half as long as I’ve been alive.

Mr. Warner: That’s right, Larry. You know this store better than your own two hands, so no one’s more qualified than you.

Larry: Shucks, Mr. Warner! You’re so much nicer than the admiral on that Navy boat. He stuck a pin right in my chest!

Mr. Warner leads Larry toward the store’s side.

Mr. Warner: Well, this nametag’s gonna go on a nice, button down shirt. I’ve deducted the cost of the shirt from your pay.

Larry: Wow, Thanks Mr. Warner.

The two stop in front of a parking spot.

Mr. Warner: And even though you don’t own a car, you get your own parking space.

Larry: Wow! I can use it for picnic lunches.

Mr. Warner turns around and faces an unmarked, steel door.

Mr. Warner: That’s right; and you get to use the manager’s entrance.

Larry takes off his hat and holds it to his chest.

Larry: With all due respect, Mr. Warner, I’ll always be one of the enlisted staff even if I’m serving as an officer, so I’d still like to use the main entrance like everyone else.

Mr. Warner: You got it, Larry. I don’t suppose you’d want to keep stock boy’s pay though.

Larry puts his hat back on.

Larry: No sir!

Mr. Warner: Okay! But let’s go in through here this time because we’re already here and it’d be a waste of time for us to go around to the front entrance.

Larry: I think it’d take as much time to get to the front entrance as it’s taking us to talk about what we’re doing.

Mr. Warner: So we’re taking twice as long, then?

Larry: That’s a real head scratcher, Mr. Warner. I’ll just follow you in.

The two go inside. They walk through a hallway lit by fluorescent bulbs and enter the managers’ office.

Mr. Warner: You’ll be spending a lot of time in here, Larry, filling out paper work, but you’ll also be on the floor making sure things are running smoothly.

Larry: Great, when do I start?

Mr. Warner: Today. Here’s your first assignment.

Mr. Warner hands Larry a sheet of paper.

Mr. Warner: I’ll go get that button down shirt.

Mr. Warner walks out of the room. Larry begins to read his assignment. “If you put a product up by the entrance, sales increase by 30%. Currently, steal tumblers are selling at a rate of ten per hour. Tumblers come twelve per box. We keep twenty on hand at all times and get a shipment of two more boxes every morning. How many days can we keep the tumblers up front before we have only eight boxes at the end of the day?”

A look of panic takes over Larry’s face. Donna enters the room.

Donna: Hey, Larry, congrats on the promotion. I got an assignment for you when you’re done with that one.

Donna hands Larry a sheet of paper and exits the room. It reads, “We’re going to be taking a group photo today of day shift employees. We want everyone to stand in order of tallest to shortest from left to right. Donna is taller than Mr. Warner, but shorter than Larry. Larry is twice as tall as Samuel. Samuel is taller than Rhonda but shorter than Donna. Mr. Warner is taller than Loraine. What will the order be?”

Larry’s lip begins to quiver.

Donna pops back into the room.

Donna: Hey, Larry, do we have off on Bastille Day?

Larry explodes! He screams, pushes Donna out of the room, and locks the door. A few moments pass and Mr. Warner is knocking on the door.

Mr. Warner: Larry, are you okay, Larry? Open the door, Larry. Come on out.

Larry: No!

Mr. Warner: Come on, Larry. Don’t make me use the key.

Larry: Don’t come in here!

Mr. Warner: I’m coming in on three, Larry. One.

Larry: No!

Mr. Warner: Two.

Larry: No!

Mr. Warner: Three!

The door is pushed open and Mr. Warner steps inside. He finds Larry sitting under a desk, curled up in the fetal position. Mr. Warner crouches at Larry’s side.

Mr. Warner: What’s wrong, Larry?

Larry: This job is too hard! I can’t do it.

Mr. Warner: Oh, Larry. We’re gonna have to let you go then.

Larry: I can’t have my old job back?

Mr. Warner: No, Larry, we already hired a replacement.

Larry: But I’ve worked here since the 80′s!

Mr. Warner: I know, Larry, and I’m sorry to let you go. Juan, please escort Señor Larry out of the store.

A small, Hispanic boy with a bowl haircut and a light mustache enters and leads Larry away by the elbow.

Mr. Warner: ¡Vámonos! ¡Vámonos!

Larry approaches a two-story house. He unlocks the door and rings a brass dinner bell that hangs from the ceiling. Larry is soon joined by a Mexican family (mother, father, grandmother, two little boys, a baby, and a seventeen-year-old girl) and two college students (a white guy and girl with dreadlocks, both wearing ponchos, and both strumming guitars).

Larry: Jaybird, Starshine, Espiritos. I lost my job today, so I won’t be able to afford this month’s rent.

Mrs. Espirito: Oh no, Mr. Larry! What will you do?!

Larry: I’m going to move back in with my parents.

Jaybird: That’s a really bummer, Larry man.

Larry: I know, Jaybird, I know. Before I go, I just wanted to express my gratitude. Jaybird, Starshine: thank you for teaching me about my oneness with the world.

Larry gives Jaybird and Starshine hugs.

Larry: Ramon, Esmeralda: thank you for teaching me about the richness of Mexican culture.

Larry gives every one of the Espiritos a hug. He approaches the elder Espirito daughter and gives her a hug.

Larry: And, Marisol, sorry that I won’t be able to deflower you on your eighteenth birthday. Well, I’m going to go pack my things and go. Goodbye forever.

Cut to Larry’s parents room: two twin beds, each of which holds one of Larry’s parents, Harold and Miriam. Adjacent to each bed is a nightstand with a lamp.

Miriam: Larry, you comfortable?

Larry: Yes, mom.

Miriam: You got plenty of pillows and covers?

Larry: Yes, mom.

Miriam: You got enough room?

Larry: Yes, mom!

Harold: Miriam, just let him be.

Miriam: I just want to make sure he’s comfortable under the bed.

Larry: I’m comfortable!

Miriam: Not so loud, Larry. You don’t want the wait staff to know you’re here. It’s bad enough they’re stealing from me; I don’t want them kicking my son out too.

Harold: They’re not stealing from you.

Miriam: Then where’d my Tobelrone go, Harold? Where’s my Toblerone?!

Harold: Euch, be quiet with that. You know I ate it! And no one’s going to be kicking our son out so long as you’re not talking so much.

Miriam: Oh, sorry. Goodnight Larry.

Larry reaches his arm out from under his mother’s bed and pats her arm.

Larry: Goodnight mom; goodnight dad.

Harold: Goodnight, son.

They turn off the lights.

The next morning, Larry and his parents are eating breakfast in the dining hall.

Harold: What are you gonna do, son?

Larry: Walk around town and look for a job.

Harold: Not smelling like that you’re not.

Larry: I smell?

Harold: Like a pumpkin that’s been shit in.

Larry: Well, where can I take a shower?

Miriam: We don’t have showers here, honey. We all get sponge baths.

Larry: Hmm. Maybe I can get one of those.

Larry looks up at an overweight, African American member of the staff. Lucinda looks back at Larry hatefully. Her nostrils flare and steam escapes from them as if she were a raging bull.

Larry: Maybe not.

Miriam slide’s Larry her Jell-O.

Miriam: Larry, I picked out all the pineapple for you. I know how much you hate pineapple.

Larry: Thanks mom.

Larry takes the Jell-O, which has been picked apart to the point that it looks like it’s been run through a Jell-O meat grinder. Larry slurps up the Jell-O and stands up.

Larry: Thank you two for the delicious meal and the excellent company. Now, if you excuse me, I’m gonna go find me a shower and then find me some work.

Larry kisses both of his parents on the forehead and walks out of the room. He passes Lucinda, who snarls as Larry passes.

Larry: Have a great day, Lucinda.

As Larry steps out of the retirement home, he puts on his navy cap. Harry Nilsson’s Everybody’s Talkin’ (the song from Midnight Cowboy) begins to play.

Larry, walking around town, passes a bank, a restaurant, and an auto body shop. All say, “Not hiring,” in their windows. At some point, Larry finds himself walking into a college campus. He sees three young, muscular guys walking out of a gym with towels draped on their shoulders.

Larry: You can wash the sweat off your backs in there?

Guy 1: Uh, yeah, they got showers.

Larry: Great!

Larry walks inside the gym. He’s about to step on the gym floor when an employee stops him.

Employee: Sir, I’m going to need to see your student ID.

Larry: Oh, where do I get one of those?

Employee: Wickham Hall. Out the door, down the street, second building on the right.

Larry: Thank you.

Larry heads to Wickham Hall. Once inside, Larry walks down a corridor and sees a sign for ID Cards. He enters the room and makes his way through a queue. He approaches a teller.

Larry: I’m here to get an ID.

Teller: I’m going to need to see proof of registration.

Larry: Oh, where do I get one of those?

Teller: Dwyer Hall. Out the door and two buildings over to the right.

Larry: Thanks!

Larry walks to Dwyer Hall. Once inside, he walks through another queue and approaches a teller in the registrar’s office.

Larry: Hi, I need to get proof of registration.

Teller: Are you registered?

Larry: No, where do I do that?

The teller points to the computer next to hers, which has a sign hanging over it that reads registration. Larry walks through another queue and approaches the registration sign. The previous teller steps to the right to greet Larry. As he speaks, it dawns on Larry that he’s about to embark on an incredible journey.

Larry: Hi, I’m Larry Crown… and I’m here to sign-up for college!

The music swells.

Teller (monotonously): Fill out this form.

Larry begins filling out the form. He looks up from his work.

Larry: So, what classes do you take?

Teller (monotonously): I don’t take classes; I’m an adult.

The music swells again and Larry returns to his form. He slides it forward when finished.

Teller (monotonously): Thank you and welcome to college.

The teller takes the form, types the information into the computer, and hands Larry proof of registration.

Teller (monotonously): Take this downstairs to take your placement exam. Or do it whenever. I don’t care.

Larry: Thanks!

Larry walks down the hall and takes a right into a stairwell that leads him to the basement. He walks through another queue until he reaches a new teller. He hands her his registration.

Teller: Great, I’ll have you set up on computer number three. Take some scrap paper and a pencil. Directions will be on the screen.

Larry looks over at the testing center. Through a large window, Larry can see rows of computers and several empty desks. A few students are hard at work. He takes a pencil, paper, and walks into the testing center. He sits at his designated computer and activates the monitor by moving the mouse. When asked whether he wants to take the verbal or math based test, Larry selects math.

The question begins, “If you put a product up by the entrance, sales increase by 30%. Currently, steal tumblers are selling at a rate of ten per hour.” Larry looks at the teller through the window, his face stricken by panic. He hits “next” on the screen and reads a question that begins with, ” We’re going to be taking a group photo today of day shift employees. We want everyone to stand in order of tallest to shortest from left to right.”

Through the window, the teller watches as Larry props a chair up against the door and hides under his computer station. One of the students in the testing center gets up and takes down the chair, letting in a suited man that escorts Larry out of the room. Larry soon finds himself in a guidance counselor’s office.

Counselor: So, Mr. Crown, having a little test anxiety?

Larry: Just a little, yes.

Counselor: Well, that’s okay. No need to take that test now. Have you thought about what courses you’d like to take?

Larry: No, I just got in here today.

Counselor: First time at college?

Larry: Yes, sir.

Counselor: Ah, congratulations on taking the first step of the rest of your life. What you call living now will pale in comparison to what you’re going to start doing come first day of class. Now, unfortunately, we’re part way through the semester already, but, lucky for you, we’ve got the ten week session starting this week. So, how about we sign you up for some intro courses to get you used to college life.

Larry: That sounds great.

Counselor: Okay, then.

The counselor does some clicking around on his computer.

Counselor: Well, I’ve got a public speaking class that starts tomorrow afternoon. It’s one of our more practically oriented requirements–teach you how to convince, demonstrate, explain, and generally orate.

Larry: Sign me up!

Counselor: Great. With Miss Donnoway. She’s a real beaut’. Great head of hair and a nice, swinging set of tits that she really likes to…sorry, got a little carried away. You don’t mind, do you?

Larry: Hey, a spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down, right?

The counselor laughs like a braying mule.

Counselor: Haw-he-haw-he-haw. I’d love to pop one on ol’ Mary, if you know what I mean?

Larry: Okay, now I’m uncomfortable.

Counselor (terse): Right. How’s Intro to Economics on Mondays and Psych 101 Tuesdays?

Larry: Sure, whatever gets me out of this office faster.

The counselor taps away at his keyboard.

Counselor: Alright, you are good to go.

Larry: Great, thanks.

Larry shows up at the nursery home, expecting to find his parents in their room.

Larry: Mom, Dad, I signed up for college.

He pushes open the door, which is slightly ajar, and discovers Lucinda cleaning out an empty room.

Larry: Where are my parents?

Lucinda: Not here, Larry.

Larry begins to cry.

Larry: Oh, no, my parents are dead! This is so awful! Why why why?! I loved them so much even though they were old.

Lucinda: Larry, they were never here to begin with.

Larry: Nooooo! I was visiting ghosts. Oh, God, why?!

Lucinda: No, I mean you’re an idiot. They’re in the room next door.

Larry: Oh, okay. Sorry.

Larry knocks on the room next door. His mother opens the door. Larry hugs her with great strength, enters the room, and then clasps his father on the shoulders.

Larry: Oh, mom, dad! I thought you were ghosts. I’m so glad you’re okay.

Miriam: Honey, whatever do you mean? You’re all flush.

Larry: I guess I’m not thinking straight cause I’m so excited. Mom, dad: I’m going to college!

Miriam clasps her heart with joy.

Miriam: My Larry, a college boy.

Harold: That’s my boy!

Harold pats Larry’s hand.

Harold: You still smell like a pumpkin that’s been shit in, but much worse. Much, much worse.

Larry: Well, I did walk like five miles there and another five back.

Harold: You gonna stink everyday?

Larry: Nah, I know where to get me a deal on a ride.

Cut to Larry haggling with Cedric the Entertainer at a yard sale over an old scooter.

Larry: Come on, Paul, we were neighbors for how long?

Paul: Seven years.

Larry: Seven years! You telling me you can’t sell me this scooter for less than $1,200?

Paul: I don’t want to, Larry! If it were anyone else I could get more money for it, but I like you. So you asking me’s putting me in a real tight corner.

Larry: Aw, you’re a good man, Paul. I knew you wouldn’t cheat an old friend.

Paul (grumbling): Yeah, whatever. You can take it for a ride if you want.

Larry approaches the scooter. He turns the key and caresses the accelerator.

Larry: And to make it go I just turn this, right?

Larry turns the accelerator and the scooter shoots off into a table of items, pulling Larry along for the ride and throwing him into a nearby set of chairs.

Larry: Well, it’s got power!

Paul: That is so stupid and careless, Larry! You knocked over all my shit. Who knows how much of it you broke. Good God, you are awful!

Larry: Don’t take the lord’s name in vain, Paul.

Paul: It’s not in vain! It makes me feel better to imagine you dead or at least severely injured or malnourished.

Larry gets up, brushing dirt of his pants.

Larry: Malnourished?

Paul: Yeah, like after wandering off into the woods for too long and getting lost; or running out of gas after a long drive. You get real hungry, and your stomach starts to hurt. It goes for days! You live off rainwater and bugs for a while and then someone finds you, malnourished.

Larry: Gee, that’s a little severe, Paul.

Paul raises his hands in the air and slaps them to his sides in frustration.

Paul: Well, made me feel better.

Larry picks the scooter up.

Larry: Whatever works, Paul. Whatever works.

Larry walks the scooter off Paul’s yard and onto his driveway.

Larry: Now, you know I can’t pay you ’till I get my last work check, right?

Paul: Eh, whatever, Larry. I know you’re good for it.

Larry gets on the scooter, puts on the helmet, and revs the engine.

Larry: Thanks, Paul. This is really gonna help me out with school.

Paul: Not as much as a shower would!

Larry starts driving away.

Larry: One thing at a time, buddy. One thing at a time!

Larry pops a wheelie down the street. Paul shakes his head.

Paul: You’ve got a lot to learn, Larry Crown; you’ve got a lot to learn.

Miss Dalloway (Julia Roberts) enters a sparsely populated classroom from the rear. She begins to count the students.

Miss Dalloway: State law requires that no less than ten students can be in any classroom and this one’s only got nine. Class’s canceled!

Larry bursts into the room from the front entrance.

Larry: Larry Crown’s here to learn!

Miss Dalloway lets out an exasperated sigh and walks to the front of the room. Larry sits down attentively.

Miss Dalloway: Welcome to public speaking. I know that most of you talk every day, but how often do you talk to thirty people at once? If often, then this class will be a breeze for you; otherwise, you might find it more challenging than you expected to talk to nine people that you know. And you will get to know each other. Starting now! One at a time, I’m going to ask you to stand up, introduce yourself, and tell us a little something. Starting with you.

Miss Dalloway points at Miguel, a young, man of Hebrew descent. Miguel stands up, his hands in his pocket, and his eyes to the floor.

Miguel: Hello, my name is Miguel, which is Spanish for Michael. I think. I’m not actually Spanish, so I’m not sure. My parents are Sephardic Jews, but we’re not practicing. So, really, I’m just a brown guy who wants to be an actuary.

Miguel sits down. Susan, a stocky woman over thirty, bolts upright. She keeps her hands at chest height. When Susan speaks, she goes in and out of iambic pentameter.

Susan: Weeeeelll, my name’s Susan. I’m a stay at home mom who loves taking classes. I’ve taken enough courses for at least five degrees, but I can’t get any of them until I take public speaking! Sooooo, at the end of this term, I’ll be able to graduate as a biology, chemistry, physics, math, and interior design major.

Susan sits down. Jerry, an over-fifty biker who loves America, wiggles upward, like a snake being charmed out of a wicker basket. His fists are clenched and when he speaks he acts as though he’s trying to get his audience to flinch, which means that, from time to time, he just jerks his whole body like an overweight, gray bearded kitty that’s getting ready to pounce. Jerry’s also got bandana on, leather pants that boggle the mind, and a chain wallet.

Jerry: Hi, I’m Jerry and I love America. I never served in the war, but I’ve fired plenty of guns and launched a grenade or two. But only at people! Never at cows or animals cause I don’t eat meat. Oh, and I hate Falco.

Falco, also an over fifty biker, gets up like he’s about to fight Jerry, but he’s restrained by the seat he’s in–he’s fat and gets stuck in it. Jerry sits down while Falco remains standing.

Falco: I’m Falco. Being in this class is part of my parole. I’ve let myself go since getting out of the slammer. I sometimes write poetry and consider Byron and Tennyson my favorites. I’m doing an independent study on Elliot, Pound, and other expat poets to finish out my degree. Oh, and I hate Jerry and love America.

Jerry jerks at Falco from his seat, but doesn’t get up. Falco sits down and Kevin stands up.

Kevin: Hey, I’m Kevin. I just graduated from William Jefferson Clinton High School. I’m taking this class ’cause I have to.

Kevin sits down. Miss Dalloway, who has been sinking further and further down her seat with each passing moment, is currently crumpled under a desk, trying to light a cigarette with a Zippo lighter. Michelle stands up.

Michelle: Hi, I’m Michelle. I went to high school with Kevin. Hi Kevin!

Michelle waves to Kevin.

Michelle: I was a cheerleader, so I don’t actually know who Kevin is. But I recognized the name of the school when he was talking.

Michelle sits down and Charlene stands up.

Charlene: Hi, I’m Charlene and I don’t think there’s any smoking allowed in buildings.

Miss Dalloway: There won’t be any smoking if I can’t get this lighter to work.

Charlene: You said that in a way that made it seem like we want you to be able to smoke. I don’t. I think it’s gross. Oh, and I also graduated from Clinton, but that was a couple years ago. Go Beagles!

Michelle kicks her arms and legs up in support. Miss Dalloway. gives up on her cigarette and stands up.

Sylvester Balvaggio stands up as Charlene sits.

Sylvester: Hi, I’m Sylvester Balvaggio. I used to teach at Clinton high school, but I left after becoming disillusioned with the American Education system.

Michelle: Uhh, weren’t you fired for calling your students the F-word?

Sylvester: Yeah, that too.

Sylvester grumbles, “Buncha fucks,” under his breath as he sits down. Salvador Elizondo stands up.

Carlos: I heard that, Vaggio.

Sylvester: You’re all a buncha fucks, happy?!

Sal: Ehh, you’re a buncha fucks yourself. I mean him.

Salvador points at Sylvester.

Sal: Not you.

Salvador gestures at the class.

Sal: I don’t know if you’re fucks or not. Can you say fucks in class?

Miss Dalloway: No, get it out of your system now.

The students curse in unison.

Kevin: Fuck fuck fuck.

Charlene: Fuck.

Susan: Fuck!

Jerry (operatically): Fuuuuuuuck!.

Michele: Give me an F! Give me a U! Give me a C! Give me a K! What does the spell?!

Everyone (except Larry) screams “Fuck” at once, including Miss Dalloway, who speaks with unenthusiasm. She begins to pantomime blowing her brains out, reconsiders, and pantomimes shooting the class with a machine gun.

Sal: Anyway, you can call me Sal.

Sal sits down and Larry stands up. He takes his Navy hat off and holds it with both hands at crotch level, crinkling it nervously.

Larry: Hi, I’m Larry. This is the most people I’ve ever spoken in front of at once, unless you count screaming, “Meatloaf!” in front of hundreds of men. I was cook in the Navy. I also once introduced Meatloaf at a USO show. I don’t know how to talk about my military days, so maybe this class will help with that. Thank you, Love Larry.

Larry sits down and Miss Dalloway stands up.

Miss Dalloway: Now I’m gonna teach you a thing or two about public speaking. The first thing is to make eye contact with your audience.

Miss Dalloway makes eye contact with every one of the students, jolting them up right with a single glance. Larry nearly falls of his seat. Miss Dalloway bends forward to scrutinize Larry, revealing her cleavage.

Miss Dalloway: Are you okay, Mr. Crown?

When Larry looks up and sees Miss Dalloway’s breasts, he nearly falls over, catching himself and his hat at the last minute.

Larry: You’re fine.

The class laughs.

Larry: I mean I’m fine.

Miss Dalloway nods and stands upright. She steps in front of the podium.

Miss Dalloway: When you’re speaking in public, you want to stand straight and project; you don’t want to keep your hands in your pockets; you want to speak distinctly and with a steady cadence; and you don’t want to seem bored by your own message, even if you think it’s boring.

Miss Dalloway looks up at the clock.

Miss Dalloway: Usually I have a drink to help me get through class, but I forgot to have one today. So, class is dismissed early! Pick up a copy of the book and read the first two chapters. We’ll be discussing it next week. Everyone leaves the classroom.

In the teacher’s lounge, Miss Dalloway pours ice, rum, and Robitussin into a blender. She pours some into a glass and the rest into a water bottle. She takes a sip, catches the time in a nearby clock, pours the rest of her drink into the water bottle, and hurries out the door.

At the gym entrance, Larry runs into Miss Dalloway.

Larry: I’m surprised to see you here.

Miss Dalloway: Why’s that?

Larry: The smoking, the drinking.

Miss Dalloway: A woman can have many addictions; but I assure you work isn’t one of mine.

Miss Dalloway laughs, raises her booze filled water bottle to Larry in a toast, takes a swig, and hurries inside.

Cut to Larry, under his mother’s bed, reading his public speaking book.

Larry (in his head): Jerry Seinfeld observes that if public speaking is people’s number one fear that –

Larry has fallen asleep at this point, with the book resting on his chest, but the voice over of him reading continues.

Larry: If you’re going to be at a funeral you’re more likely to want to be in the casket than delivering the eulogy. That’s funny, but public speaking is no laughing matter.

Larry is dreaming of himself in public speaking class. The room is crowded with students when Miss Dalloway enters.

Miss Dalloway: Today, public speaking’s going to be public fucking.

Larry: I wouldn’t be comfortable with that.

Miss Dalloway: Shut up, Larry.

Miss Dalloway starts pulling on Larry’s arm, dragging him to the front of the room while repeating his name.

Miss Dalloway: Larry, Larry, Larry.

Slowly, Miss Dalloway’s voice morphs into that of his mother’s.

Miriam: Larry, Larry, Larry.

Miriam is nudging Larry with her shoe.

Miriam: Come on, Larry, they want to clean the room.

Larry: Huh, what?

Harold: Get up!

Larry gets up and bumps his head on bed.

Larry: Ow, my head!

Larry rubs the top of his head as he scootches out from under the bed.

Larry: What’s for breakfast?

Harold: You slept through it.

Larry: Awww.

Miriam: But here’s ten dollars; go get yourself a scrambled egg.

Inside a diner, a waitress is taking Larry’s order.

Waitress: What do you want?

Larry: Bacon, eggs, and a job.

Waitress: How many different ways can you make eggs?

Larry: Over easy, scrambled, poached, omelets–

Waitress: Great, start making ‘em; you’re hired.

Larry stares with disbelief.

Waitress: I can hire people. Now get to work!

As Larry walks toward the back of the diner, the patrons he passes become students and he’s making his way out of a large lecture hall, with economics 101 written on the blackboard. When Larry gets outside, it’s already dark. Soon he’s passing a bus stop and sees that Miss Dalloway is waiting for her ride. Larry pulls up in his scooter and takes off his helmet.

Larry: Hey, you need a ride?

Miss Dalloway says nothing.

Larry: It’s Larry from class.

Miss Dalloway: I know who you are; I’m just taking it all in. And, no thanks, I’m fine.

Larry: Aw, come on. When’s that bus getting here?

Larry hears a honking and gets out of the bus’s way. The bus comes to a stop, the door opens, and Miss Dalloway sees that it’s packed with people, with no room for her to sit. She waves the bus away.

Miss Dalloway: Alright, Laurence, I’ll get on your jalopy.

Larry: Great. Now, I don’t have a helmet, so if we have an accident, just shield your face with my body.

Miss Dalloway gets on. Larry puts on his helmet.

Larry: Hold on tight!

Miss Dalloway: Does this thing even go fast enough for that to–mattterrr!

Larry starts driving and soon Miss Dalloway is clutching his chest, her hair blowing in the wind.

Larry: I don’t know where I’m going!

Miss Dalloway: Just drive toward the old movie theater. I live in the apartments behind it.

Larry rounds the corner and soon they’ve arrived at their destination. Miss Dalloway hops off the bike.

Miss Dalloway: Thank you, Laurence.

She starts walking toward her front door.

Larry: My friends call me Larry.

Miss Dalloway: Do you not like being called Laurence, Laurence?

Larry: I don’t mind, it’s just that–

Miss Dalloway: Goodnight then, Laurence. Hope you’re doing your reading!

Miss Dalloway goes inside her house. The next day Larry is cooking up eggs at the diner. He sees Miss Dalloway come in, sit down at a booth, and cup her head with her hands. Larry walks up to her and pours her a coffee.

Larry: Tough night?

Miss Dalloway looks up at Larry.

Miss Dalloway: Let’s just say one of my addictions got the better of me. You work here?

Larry: Man’s gotta eat.

From the kitchen, a coworker calls to Larry.

Coworker: Larry! Don’t walk away from your post!

Larry: Duty calls!

Larry walks off and a waitress comes to take Miss Dalloway’s order. Cut to public speaking class, where Larry is standing at the podium.

Larry: Five reasons why you should go out on a date with Larry Crown: by Larry Crown (that’s me!).

Larry clears his throat.

Larry: Five: Larry is likable! He’s affable, optimistic, and knows when and when not to crack a joke. Four: Larry is a veteran! Larry served in the US Navy as a cook, during which time he traveled around the world five times, fed two sitting presidents, and indirectly killed two people. Three: Larry is an award winner! While working at U-Mart, Larry was Employee of the Month a record breaking nine times! Two: Larry is good to his parents! Just ask them! And, the number one reason to date Larry Crown: Larry won’t judge you! Nothing’s a romance killer like a partner that’s always putting you down or trying to change you. Larry accepts you just as you are and he’ll be there for you when you need him. Plus, Larry’s a great cuddler. Just give him a squeeze!

Miss Dalloway: Class, are we convinced?

The class cheers half-heartedly.

Miss Dalloway: Alright, Larry, you heard the class. Meet us at the diner ’round seven.

As the students exit the classroom, Charlene pulls Larry aside.

Charlene: Larry, you can’t take the class out on a date looking like that?

Larry looks down at his out fit.

Larry: What’s wrong with how I look?

Charlene: Ugh, come on.

Charlene takes Larry by the hand and leads him toward a trailer in the parking lot.

Charlene: I make clothes, Larry, so I know a little something about not looking like a dork.

Larry: I look like a dork?

Charlene: Like a dorkasaurus.

Larry: A dorkasaurus?! But they’re extinct.

Charlene: That’s right, you’re the last one!

Charlene lifts the metal door of the trailer, revealing racks of clothes.

Larry: I can’t afford these threads.

Charlene: Don’t worry ’bout it.

Charlene picks an outfit off the rack, handing Larry an all black outfit consisting of a shirt, blazer, and pair of pants.

Charlene: Get undressed and put these on.

Larry begins to undress when Charlene’s boyfriend Brad approaches. Larry is down to his white jockey shorts.

Charlene: Here comes my boyfriend, Brad.

Larry: Do you want me to get redressed real quick?

Larry finishes his question just as Brad walks into frame.

Brad: Nah, I’m comfortable with our relationship and my own sexuality. Your body neither threatens nor amuses me.

Larry: Not even if I shake my tighty whiteys in your face?

Larry shakes his rump at Brad and Charlene.

Charlene: I don’t find that amusing.

Brad: Me neither.

Larry gets dressed.

Charlene: Lookin’ sharp, Larry. Now get out there and win over that class!

Larry approaches the diner, where his class, including Charlene, is waiting for him. They all link arms and walk inside together. In the diner, Larry pushes a few tables together and pulls out a seat for each member of his class. He makes sure Jerry and Falco sit across from each other. Larry claps twice and the wait staff brings a salad out for each of the students. He sits down next to Miss Dalloway.

Larry: Miguel, could you say a prayer?

Miguel: Baruch atah Adonai Eloheinu Amen.

The class begins eating. A waitress pours wine into their glasses and soon the table is drinking, laughing, and enjoying themselves.

Charlene: You’re right, Larry, you are a great date!

Larry: You’re all going to have to fight over who gets to take me home.

The table erupts in laughter.

Larry: Seriously, though. Jerry. Falco. How can we put an end to your fighting?

Everyone at the table says, “Yeah,” in agreement.

Larry: What’s this conflict over in the first place?

Jerry and Falco answer at the same time.

Jerry: Religion.

Falco: Politics.

Larry: Now, wait a minute, you two. You mean to tell me you don’t even agree what you’re fighting over?

Jerry: I guess not.

Falco: Seems to be that way.

Larry: Hmmm. Falco, didn’t Ezra Pound have to convince publishers to take a chance on T.S. Elliot?

Falco: Yeah.

Larry: Well, just think of me as Pound and Jerry as Eliot. Think you could take a chance on him?

Falco: Maybe.

Larry: And, Jerry. You’re a vegitarian. Don’t you owe Falco the same respect that you’d give a cow or a chicken?

Jerry: I guess.

Larry: Well, then it’s settled! You two love America. The least you can do is be decent to each other.

Jerry and Falco make eye contact.

Larry slowly begins chanting.

Larry: USA. USA. USA.

The rest of the class joins in.

Class: USA. USA. USA.

The class begins drumming on the table, increasing their tempo as they increase the fervor of their chant.

Class: USA! USA! USA!

The class is in an uproar, drumming and chanting. Falco and Jerry reach across the table and shake hands.

Larry: Alright!

Everyone applauds. Cut to Larry walking Miss Dalloway back to her apartment.

Miss Dalloway: You know, Laurence, what you did tonight was really incredible.

Larry: Oh?

Miss Dalloway: Yeah. You got two gang leaders to put aside their differences and maybe even become friends. Before they were policing each other, but this partnership will usher in a reign of crime and violence unlike this town has ever seen before.

Larry stops walking. His face is pale with terror.

Miss Dalloway: I’m just kidding! They’re senior citizens. The only havoc they’re wreaking is on the early bird special.

Larry: Miss Dalloway, you really had me there for a second.

They stop at Miss Dalloway’s door.

Miss Dalloway: Think if I play my cards right I could have you for longer?

Larry: Miss Dalloway?

Miss Dalloway: Kiss me.

Larry gives Miss Dalloway a gentle kiss. Miss Dalloway smiles and opens her front door.

Miss Dalloway: Goodnight, Laurence–I mean Larry. Thank you for the wonderful evening.

She closes the door and watches Larry through her peephole. Larry dances wildly, causing Miss Dalloway to laugh.

Miss Dalloway: You are so cute! I can see everything you’re doing.

Larry continues to dance and then covers the peephole with his palm.

Cut to Larry sitting at Paul’s coffee table, drinking a cappuccino. Larry takes a sip, which leaves him with a foam mustache.

Paul: How’s school?

Larry: I’m taking intro to economics, and intro to psychology, but those two aren’t as interesting as public speaking.

Paul: Oh?

Larry: Yeah, I’ve got a thing for the professor. She’s real nice.

Larry pantomimes that Miss Dalloway has large breasts.

Larry: But she’s not without her problems.

Larry pantomimes drinking and then pantomimes crying.

Paul: Well, it looks like you’ve bounced back from losing your job.

Larry: Yep. School, new job, sleeping under my mother’s bed; it’s all good. And I even got your money.

Larry hands Paul a check.

Paul: I knew you were good for it. By the way, have you heard what’s going on at the U-Mart?

Larry leans in with interest. He takes another sip of his cappuccino, adding more foam to his mustache.

Larry: No, what?

Paul: The employees are on strike because the store kept replacing them with fourteen-year-old Mexican boys.

Larry: What?!

Paul: Yeah, but people keep crossing the picket line because of the low prices.

Larry: You can’t put a price on human dignity!

Paul: That’s real poetic, Larry. Hey, maybe now that you’ve got this college learning, you can talk some sense into ‘em down at the store?

Larry: You think I can?

Paul: Mhmm.

Larry finishes his cappuccino and then stares fixedly at Paul. Suddenly, he darts upward and heads for the door.

Larry: Paul, you’re right. I’ve got to do something!

Cut to Larry on his scooter, leading a charge of elderly bikers into the U-Mart parking lot. Larry parks in front of the picket line. He takes off his helmet, revealing his foam mustache. Soon Larry’s greeted by Miss Dalloway and the rest of the public speaking class. Michele, dressed in her cheerleading outfit and carrying pom-poms, approaches Larry.

Michele: Larry, I got the old gang back together.

Behind Michele stands the rest of her cheerleading crew and a giant, felt beagle (Ed “Beagly” Jr, the high school’s mascot).

Michele: We’re one hundred percent behind you.

Larry takes Miss Dalloway by the elbow and walks her a few yards away from the crowd.

Larry: I don’t know what to do.

Miss Dalloway: You’ve got to give a speech, Larry, about what working with these people has meant to you.

Larry: I’m not ready.

Miss Dalloway: Larry, I’m gonna share a public speaking secret with you: it’s all about confidence. And you have plenty of reasons to be confident. You’ve already got an A in the class.

Larry: But it’s only been two weeks.

Miss Dalloway: I’ve already decided who’s getting what grades. Plus, you got the girl.

Miss Dalloway gives Larry a passionate kiss on the lips. Larry’s cappuccino mustache rubs off on Miss Dalloway, although Larry’s still got plenty left on his own face.

Miss Dalloway: Now go up there and be the hero you were born to be. Speak from the heart!

Larry stares at Miss Dalloway’s foam mustache.

Larry: You’ve got a little.

He motions toward his lip. Miss Dalloway rubs her face with her sleeve, removing the mustache. Larry smiles approvingly.

Miss Dalloway: Now get up there!

Larry walks toward the picket line. He grabs a microphone from Mr. Warner and climbs on top of a car. Larry turns on the microphone, which lets loose a wild howl. Larry steadies himself on the car and begins to speak.

Larry: Hi, I’m Larry Crown. I worked at U-Mart for thirteen years and they were some of the best years of my life. Every day that I or any other employees came in here was a day we knew we were making a difference in one of your lives. When you needed diapers for your baby, we were there; when you needed tires for your kid’s bike, we were there; when you needed chips and a banner for that graduation party, we were there; and when you needed a wreath to hang on that grave, we were there! From birth to death, we were with you every day, lending you a helping hand when you needed it most. And now we need you to be there for us.

U-Mart might be the building where you did your shopping, but ours were the faces that you saw. We were like your family, but you might have noticed that ol’ Uncle Larry is starting to look different. His face is getting younger, more tanned, and less familiar. That’s because that’s not Uncle Larry at all, but an undocumented Mexican laborer!

The audience boos.

Larry: Don’t boo! That’s just what U-Mart wants you to do. They want to keep you and the Mexicans apart. Sure, you can blame the Mexicans. After all, they took your jobs.

The audience shouts in agreement.

Larry: But it was U-Mart that handed those jobs over!

The audience collectively, “Huhs?”

Larry: That’s right! Rather than keep paying the people who made the difference in your life, U-Mart fired them and replaced them with someone they could pay significantly less.

The audience boos.

Larry: Boo you say? Boo? But then why do you keep shopping at U-Mart?! Put down your bags and say no to low prices because your family is not for sale!

The audience cheers uproariously and customers stream out of the U-Mart. Michele and her cheerleading friends chant, “U-Mart U-Suck!” Jerry, Falco, and the rest of the bikers rev their motorcycles in agreement. Mr. Ümart, the German owner of U-Mart, runs out of the store, the armpits of his blue, woolen suit stained with sweat.

Mr. Ümart (with German accent): Mr. Crown! Mr. Crown! You win! You win! I’ll give you anything want. Your old job, raises, you name it and it’s yours.

Larry hops off the car and hands off the megaphone to Mr. Warner. A crowd forms around Mr. Ümart and Larry.

Larry: Sorry, Mr. Ümart, you’re going to have to negotiate with Mr. Warner. I have a public speaking class I have to catch!

Larry walks into the crowd, finds Miss Dalloway, sweeps her into his arms, and kisses her on the lips. The crowd throws their arms into the air and cheers wildly, throwing their hands into the air. And now those hands are catching graduation caps and the camera pulls back to reveal that we’re at Larry’s commencement. Larry catches his hat, displaying his smile and foam cappuccino mustache to the crowd, where he spots his mother, father, and Miss Dalloway (now Mrs. Larry Crown), who’s she’s holding a toddler. Miss Dalloway points at the crowd and mouths, “There’s daddy,” to the child.

Larry makes his way toward his family when he’s stopped by Mr. Ümart.

Mr. Ümart: Larry, now that you’ve graduated, would you please take your old stock boy job back?

As Larry answers, he realizes that he’s about to embark on yet another incredible journey.

Larry: I’m sorry, Mr. Ümart. I can’t do that. This is a two-year university; you know…I’ve got another two years of college!

Boyfriend: Special delivery from the lovey express: I love you!

He gives her a kiss on the cheek.

Girlfriend: I love you too! And I have some lovey oats for your pony.

The girlfriend holds her palm up to her boyfriend, who pretends to eat from it. A man sitting within earshot throws up into his newspaper.

The two lean in and give each other Eskimo kisses. A mother and her baby projectile vomit at one another.

Boyfriend: You’re such a little cuddle chip.

A nearby pigeon upchucks. The sky darkens and thunder roars.

Girlfriend: Oh no! We’ve got to scamper away into our bunny hutch before we get caught in a lovey shower.

The couple runs toward an awning while vomit rains on them from the heavens.

In the living room, Shannon, Cheryl, and Stefunny are playing Scrabble.

Cheryl (being interviewed): I put down car and Shannon made it into carcinogen. She got a double word score and a fifty-point bonus! I never should have played with someone who went to Harvard Hair. Shannon’s all in my head now!

Shannon (being interviewed): I didn’t come here to make friends.

CUT TO HALLWAY

Julie is standing outside the tanning room impatiently.

Julie: Come on! You’re gonna soak up all the sun.

Ashley (being interviewed): When my dad was growing up with me, he had a video rental place that went out of business. We got stuck with all these, VHS’s of all sorts and types, pornography, a tanning bed. And my friends and I would just tan. Just tan, just tan, just tan. That must be where my love of tanning came from; and my father’s pornography addiction.

Ashley steps out of the tanning room. She’s orange.

Julie: Bitch be orange!

Julie (being interviewed): I didn’t come here to make friends.

CUT TO LIVING ROOM

Ashley stomps into the living room and flips over the Scrabble board.

Cheryl: Hey, I was spelling that!

Ashley: Who messed with the tanning bed settings and turned me into an Oompa Loompa?!

Stefunny: Girl, ain’t no tanning bed that made you five foot.

Stefunny (being interviewed): I didn’t come here to make friends.

Ashley: I can’t believe you’re all so mean!

Ashley (being interviewed, crying): I came here to make friends and it’s not working! It’s like everyone came here to specifically not make friends!

CUT TO

Ashley is hiding under the covers in the bedroom crying. Jerseylicious, the host (a man in drag), walks in and whispers into Ashley’s linen cocoon.

Jerseylicious (whispering): It’s not so bad, Ashley. Come on out.

Ashley: I’m orange!

Jerseylicious (whispering): It could be worse. You could be homeless too.

Ashley (whimpering): I guess.

Jerseylicious (whispering): You wouldn’t be fabulous then, would you?

Ashley (whimpering, pulling off covers): I could be.

Jerseylicious (whispering): You think you could make a fabulous homeless person?

Ashley (wiping tears out of her eyes): I could.

Jerseylicious: Great! Because for our next elimination challenge, we’re going to style the homeless!

CUT TO THE STREETS OF NEW YORK.

The Jerseylicious girls are glammed up like hookers on the prowl.

Jerseylicious: Are you girls ready to give these hobos some hope?

Girls (all together): Yeah!

Jerseylicious: Then detail those derelicts!

A montage of the girls scouring New York for homeless. They run up and down streets, peak around corners, and make their way through Central Park. Shannon is wheeling a bald war vet in a wheelchair;  Julie packages an over weight woman sleeping in a box; Stefunny catches a scraggly and disheveled hipster with an oversized butterfly net; and Ashley’s got her hands up like claws, chasing two filthy and toothy, terrified panhandlers into a van that’s got Cheryl behind the wheel.

CUT TO HAIR STUDIO

Voice Over: The girls have only two hours to cut this hair, so there’s no time to clean or sober up.

The girls sit their clients down in chairs, put hairpins on their noses, and get to stylin’. A montage of the girls cutting hair follows. At one point the war vet tries to make a run for it, shouting, “I have dignity!” At the two hour mark, a loud ding is heard. The girls, with their backs to the camera, step to the side and spin their subjects around to reveal: everyone has Brazilian Blowouts!

CUT TO A SOUND STAGE

The girls, wearing smocks, walk in one after the other

Jerseylicious: You’ve all done an amazing job, but one of you is going to have to fuck off.

STROBE LIGHTS FLASH MUSIC BLARES

Jerseylicious: Shannon. You war vet’s do is to die for; you get to stay. Julie; your turned Rosanne Barr into Rosanne Star; you get to stay; Ashley, your client might be begging for change but not for compliments; you get to stay. Stefunny. Cheryl, it’s down to you two.

STROBE LIGHTS FLASH MUSIC BLARES

Jerseylicious: Stefunny… your hipster’s out of touch. Please turn in your smock.

Stefunny sadly walks toward Jerseylicious while the other contestants embrace.

Stefunny (being interviewed): I’m not going home empty handed. I’m gonna parley this into a career in porn!

Narrator: Next week on Jerseylicious the girls bring style to neglected gardens.

CUT TO

Girls in goggles maneuvering chainsaws over topiaries.