Ext. Theater- Night
The marquee reads: Clark Park Players Present: Murder Mystery
int. auditorium- Night
The lights dim and the curtains go up to reveal ten cast members sitting around a dinner table– all dressed like their professions. A conversation begins and is interrupted by a brief black out.
The CHEF approaches the JUDGE and pulls on the knife.
Chef: (acterly) Is there a doctor in the house?! This man has been stabbed!
The character of the Doctor gets up.
Doctor: (acterly) This man is dead…and one of you did it!
The characters on stage gasp.
Doctor: (out of character) Wait, this man is actually dead… And one of you did it!
The audience gasps. Malone and Frankenstein run up onstage. (Frankenstein is wearing a brown trench coat and a fedora.)
Malone: Nobody move! Detectives Malone and Frankenstein.
They both hold up their badges.
Malone: We’ll get to the bottom of this!
The chef points at the MAILMAN.
Chef: You did this! I heard you two arguing.
Malone: What were you arguing about?
Frankenstein (supportive): Grrr!
Mailman: It was over a football game. He owed my brother, the plumber, a hundred grand. But I didn’t do it. It was the army man! The judge slept with his wife.
Malone points at the ARMY MAN.
Malone: He slept with your wife?
Army Man: Not my wife. I just play an army man. I’m really a banker. The butler played the army man.
Malone points at the BUTLER.
Malone: He slept with your wife?
Butler: Not my wife. The butler’s wife–
Fireman (interrupting): Yeah, I’m actually a butler.
Frankenstein: (frustrated) Grrr.
Malone: Yeah, this is confusing.
Fireman: No, it’s fine. I’m a butler playing a fireman and the journalist who played the judge slept with my wife, the dentist, who plays an accountant. But we saw a counselor and worked through it. I even forgave him. Unlike the accountant!
Malone: You’re wife?
Fireman: No! The accountant. The judge killed his kid in a drunk driving accident.
Accountant: I’ve made my peace! Not that you have, reverend!
Everyone looks at the REVEREND.
Accountant: Oh, don’t act dumb! We all know the judge was blackmailing you cause you slept with one of your students.
Astronaut: No, it was me he was blackmailing.
Everyone looks at the ASTRONAUT.
Astronaut: I slept with one of my professors–one of my male professors. I didn’t want anyone to know. But I didn’t do it. I can’t hold anything in this suit.
Boxer: I can’t hold anything either.
The BOXER holds up his gloves.
Malone: I’m so lost! And, wait, he owes you money?
Malone points at the PLUMBER
Mailman: No, my brother’s not in the play. He just is a plumber.
Plumber: Yeah, I’m a dentist. I killed the judge–
Frankenstein: (like a surprised dog in a movie) Grrr?
Malone: Yeah, did you just confess?
Plumber: (nervous) No! I was confused.
Malone: Tell it to the judge! (beat) One you haven’t killed.
Plumber: (scared) I didn’t kill anyone! It was an accident.
Malone: Oh, so you killed him by accident?!
Plumber: (panicked) No, I mean, I didn’t mean to admit it– to say it.
Malone: Cause you’d go to jail!
Plumber: (terrified) No, cause I didn’t want anyone to know!
Malone: That’s what I said!
Plumber: (defeated) Shit! Yes!
The plumber starts running away. Frankenstein makes a fist with his left hand, rips off his left arm, and nails the plumber in the back of the head, knocking him over. Malone cuffs the plumber.
Malone: A regular whodunit, amma right? (beat) Seriously, I have no idea what just happened.