Todd Glass and Gary Gulman
By Ben Kharakh
For Todd Glass and Gary Gulman, this Thanksgiving weekend is going to be extra memorable because they'll be sharing the stage at Helium Comedy Club for the first time since their appearances on Last Comic Standing. Even as early as October the duo is excited and making plans for their performance. Just listening in on their banter provides a glimpse of the good times to come on November 23rd and 24th.
How did the two of you meet?
Todd Glass: You’re going to pry into our personal lives? Look, if we tell you, you’ve got to keep it a secret.
I can’t share it with the people of Philadelphia?
Todd Glass: No, I’m just teasing. Where did we meet, Gary?
Gary Gulman: I was doing a half hour ShowTime special and Todd was the audience warm-up.
Todd Glass: GARY! GARY! Off the record, I was doing it also.
Gary Gulman: [laughs] Why would you put that off the record?
Todd Glass: Off the record, like don’t say I was warming up the audience. No, I was, I was warming up the audience for ShowTime specials they were doing.
Gary Gulman: Now that I know Todd and have seen him perform, it baffles me that he wasn't given a two-hour ShowTime special because he was more talented than anyone he was warming up for.
Todd Glass: When they asked me to do it, they were real polite the way that they did it. I took pride in doing it. I tried to do what I wanted to do when somebody warms up the audiences when I did my half hour. I didn’t mind doing it. It was a chance to do what I thought warm up guys should do.
Gary Gulman: You were terrific—
Todd Glass: Oh, stop!
Gary Gulman: I fell for him right away. He was funny on stage, off stage—
Todd Glass: You know how funny that’s going to read?
Gary Gulman: He was a joy from the minute I met him.
Todd Glass: And one other thing, Ben. I knew that I liked Gary because he knew every line for waiting from Waiting for Guffman. I know 80% of it, but Gary knew it 100%. So is that good enough? Do you feel like you know enough, Ben?
I feel like I might just have to pry a little bit more. Once the two of you met did you work in the future together?
Gary Gulman: We’ve bumped into each other from time to time at the Improv, but it was never enough.
Todd Glass: Gary has obviously answered the question first, and as much as I like Gary, our friendship started parting ways when I caught Gary trying to steal money out of my wallet. And he laughs, because it makes people think it’s a joke, but the truth is he got caught stealing money out of my wallet at the Improv, and we sort of didn’t talk for about a week..
Gary Gulman: The whole thing was that I kept denying it.
Todd Glass: The first answer was the true answer. You meet someone and hang out and you have a lot of fun with them, but sometimes you go a while without hanging out, and then we’re live “We’ve got to hang out” so we hung out. You know what it is, Ben? I like a lot of comedians, but to have a good time, there’s a core group of people you hang out with, maybe you can say it better than me Gary, but you just get as silly as you want. No one is going to stomp on them or make fun of them when we’re having fun. We have a core group like that, and you always know you’re going to have fun when you get together, you’re always going to be giggling.
What sort of silly things do the two of you like to do when you get together?
Todd Glass: Nothing. Sleep all day and do our shows, and think about them during the day.
Gary Gulman: There’s a game we play at Todd’s house where we pretend the house is an airplane, and it makes you think much more of your apartment or house if you think of it as an airplane. It may be an average apartment, but if it were an airplane, it would be the most luxurious airplane of all time. To have a shower, kitchen, living room—
Todd Glass: So we’ll be sitting in the living room and pretending it’s an airplane, and Gary will come in and go “Have you seen the kitchen?” I’m like “No” “It’s like a full sized kitchen!” and then we all run to the kitchen, because if we were on a plane, that’s how you would do it. And then it’s like “Holy Shit!” And Ben’s like “That sounds like a lot of fun.”
No, it sounds fun! Are you flying the plane or are you just passengers?
Todd Glass: No, we’re just passengers. As a matter of fact I have a PA set up at my house, sometimes I’ll make announcements like the pilot. “Ladies and gentlemen, I know this seems like a house, but this is a plane. When we get turbulence we’re going to have to ask you to settle down and buckle up, and we should get through this.”
Do you like to do anything in public? Any sort of shenanigans?
Todd Glass: First of all, Gary would agree with me on this 100%, if not please correct me. We both appreciate it if you would never use the word shenanigans.
Gary Gulman: [laughs] I was going to say that!
I’m a bit old fashioned.
Todd Glass: Gary, it is a bit funny because Ben is about 21 years old, so coming from the 21 year old, it’s sort of… I shouldn’t have even made fun of him, matter of fact. See, I went for the cheap joke.
Gary Gulman: No, it wasn’t a cheap joke. What we prefer, and this is for all of our interviews, is that instead of using shenanigans, use tomfoolery or ballyhoo.
Todd Glass: [laughs] That’s why we should have had you talked to our managers first, because they know this stuff. To answer your question, we’ve never been to Philly, but I surmise that you’re asking about is what we like to do when we hang out.. I think most of the time our shows are at night, and I’m not a big fan of doing anything during the day. Hanging out after the shows is a big thing. I like to smoke a little marijuana, I don’t know if Gary does or not. Do you Gary?
Gary Gulman: Remember the last time I smoked marijuana at your house—
Todd Glass: That was my way of seeing if he was comfortable saying it in a paper.
Gary Gulman: I became convinced that everyone was leaving and then coming back when I left.
Todd Glass: He would think that when people would leave, they would say goodbye, and then park around the corner, but as soon as Gary was out of sight, they would all come back. So we had to convince him.
Gary Gulman: I was only kidding, but I was very committed to the idea.
Todd Glass: Yeah, I think you knew that wasn’t happening, but you committed like 1000% to being that paranoid.
Gary Gulman: So I hid in some bushes to watch them reconvene.
Todd Glass: And once we knew what you were doing we did reconvene! We’re like, "I think Gary left," so we started heading back into the house.
Gary Gulman: Oh, marijuana…
Todd Glass: What’s your next question?
So I gather that when the two of you figured out that you’re going to be on Last Comic Standing, you were pretty excited.
Todd Glass: Yeah, I mean whenever your going to be stuck in a house and there’s somebody there that you like, it’s going to make it a lot more fun.
So was there and tomfoolery or ballyhoo that the cameras missed?
Todd Glass: Was there? They didn’t miss much. There’s a lot they didn’t show. For what it’s worth, two years later, Gary had the same idea as me, which was to just have fun. We didn’t get involved with anything but what comedians do when they get together, which is to sit around and have fun and joke around. It was that simple, there was nothing complicated about it, unless you chose to make it so, and got involved with the lionesses. That’s pretty much it.
Gary Gulman: I’m really looking forward to this thanksgiving weekend show with Todd. I feel like the drugstore owner in Waiting for Guffman, only instead of being unable to be in the play due to inventory, I’m in the play.
Todd Glass: See, Ben what happens is, you don’t have chance to work with your friends that much because your friends are mostly headlining. So it’s fun, and a lot of comedians talk about it a lot, but when we do get to do it, it’s a lot of fun because you’re doing what you love to do best and in this case, you’re with a good friend. It’s hard to explain but it’s already a great experience, but it makes it the best. I’ve only done it one or two times in the last two years, and it always ends up being a lot of fun. You have to have a reason too. Gary’s from New York, I’m from Philly, so it sort of worked out that we could do it together. It usually wouldn’t work out that we’d be on the same show, not because we’re huge acts, but because we’re both headliners. But we wanted it.
So what's Todd really like, Gary?
Gary Gulman: He’s
Todd Glass: [coughs]
Gary Gulman: He’s exactly like--
Todd Glass: [coughs]
Gary Gulman: He is on stage, only--
Todd Glass: [coughs] Helps the needy. [coughs] Gives to charity. [coughs]
Gary Gulman: [laughs] Shame on America. The fact that Todd didn’t win last comic standing is one of the greatest travesties of the 21st century. There was not a person, including myself, that had one tenth of a comedic brain that Todd Glass has. Shame on America for not embracing Todd Glass.
Todd Glass: Gary, can I tell you something, and I think you’re going to think I’m just saying this, but I feel the same way about Ant.
Gary Gulman: [laughs] He always makes me laugh! This kid! I feel like in the episode of All in the Family Michael Stivic reunites with his long lost friend played by Billy Crystal. It’s a mutual admiration. I don’t know how Todd feels about me, but what he does in comedy is unprecedented.
Todd Glass: Without it sounding like a schmooze fest, there are three people I enjoy hanging out with. There are a lot of comics that I like, but there are three people that I really enjoy hanging out with. And out of the many many comics I know, it’s Gary, Jimmy Dore, and Daniel Kinno. Whenever I’m with them, I know I’m going to have a really good time. It’s hard to explain, but it’s like anybody. You’re just going to be like you were in eighth grade.
Gary Gulman: I’m glad I’m going to be there to celebrate Todd’s 34th birthday.
Todd Glass: By the way, Gary, you forgot to call Tammy Pescatelli on her big birthday. She just had her 50th.
Gary Gulman: 50 was the perfect age. 44 isn’t funny. 48 isn’t funny. But 50!
Todd Glass: Bonnie McFarlane called me and reminded me, so I should have called you. She had a big party.
Gary Gulman: Is it true that Tammy was on the Last Comic Standing episode you did recently?
Todd Glass: Yes she was. Here’s the joke I used and they didn’t air it. I said “Tammy, I got just one thing to say. It’s called a headshot. Get your tits out of it.”
Gary Gulman: That’s funny!
Todd Glass: They didn’t air it. I can’t do roasts anymore either. Ben! What’s your next question?
You mentioned that when the two of you get together it’s like being in the eighth grade all over again. Do you think that eighth grade Todd Glass and eighth grade Gary Gulman could be buddies?
Todd Glass: Probably.
Gary Gulman: Yeah. Oh my God! It’s the same thing. It’s like he sits next to me in pre algebra class, and we’re not paying attention and mocking the teacher and the kids in class and reciting lines from movies we’ve watched together over the weekend in Todd’s basement. What’s going on here is—
Todd Glass: I like that you picture that my parents have a finished basement.
Gary Gulman: Yeah. It’s Scooby Doo and Shaggy. It’s Laurel and Hardy, but instead of hating each other, they love each other. It’s a wonderful thing that’s happening here on Thanksgiving weekend.
Todd Glass: If you miss this, it’s like missing what, Gary?
Gary Gulman: Haley’s Comet.
Todd Glass: Ben, are you going to be a part of it?
Of course.
Todd Glass: Yeah, you can be a part of it and then write an article on what it’s like! And if it starts off with “I’m not going to lie, I was disappointed”, I’m going to find you and choke you to death.
Gary Gulman: I’m looking forward to finishing my set and sitting back and looking at Todd Glass.
Todd Glass: How did you decide that I was going last?
Gary Gulman: Because—
Todd Glass: Alright, I’ll do it.
Gary Gulman: I can’t follow you.
Todd Glass: You’d be surprised, since… I can’t think of anything funny. What else Ben? I like these questions!
Are the two of you going to be doing Morning Zoo type radio together?
Gary Gulman: As much as we can.
Todd Glass: Um, no, because Gary will be in New York, and there won’t be that much radio that week. I don’t mean to answer for Gary, but my guess is that he’ll be coming into these shows Thursday. Either the day of Thanksgiving or the day after.
Gary Gulman: Probably the day after. Todd, you’re really great on the radio from what I understand. I’ve never done any radio with you, but from what I understand, you really feel at home in that situation.
Todd Glass: Yeah, I think part of it, not to bore you Ben, but doing good radio is to take it seriously and having understanding. Like not looking down on it. Take it seriously because it’s a great way of getting people in the seats. And print that right if you do, Ben, because I don’t want people thinking that I looks down on the radio. I thought that if I do it, I might do it Tuesday and then call Gary on the phone. What’s your next question?
Are you going to be doing any radio to promote the shows?
Gary Gulman: [As Radio DJ] Todd, is it true that you were on Friends?
Todd Glass: Oh, Gary! I was. And you want to hear a funny story about that?
Gary Gulman: Yes.
Todd Glass: No, I don’t want to tell a funny story about that, it was too long ago…
Gary Gulman: Oh, do it!
Come on!
Todd Glass: My brother came to visit me on the set; he was visiting from Philly. He said that Jennifer Anniston was so pretty that he would hit his girlfriend over the head with a shovel to be with her, and then I thought if he hit his girlfriend over the head with the shovel, why would she want to be with him? Like that’s all that was getting in between them. “Ugh, if he didn’t have a girlfriend… Boy, I’d tap into that!”
Gary Gulman: What part did you play on in Friends?
Todd Glass: Just a guy who was hitting on her in a plane. It was a very little part. The truth is that Matthew Perry saw me at a show and was talking to me and said, “There’s a part that fell out that you could just come in and do.” And then I just went in the next day and did it.
Gary Gulman: See? Everybody in this business with any talent respects Todd Glass.
Todd Glass: Gary’s right.
And Todd, you were also on Married… With Children, correct?
Todd Glass: Please, that was so long ago. Yes, but that was so many years ago. I don’t want my friends to read this interview and think I’m bringing up things that happened a long time ago. But I’ll tell you this, when I opened up for Flip Wilson—
Gary Gulman: [laughs]
Todd Glass: I'm always petrified that my comedian friends will read what I say. I can imagine Andy Kindler going, “Todd, you forgot a play you were in the fourth grade.” What’s your next question?
How often do they mention old credits of yours when they do promotion?
Todd Glass: Gary do you have that happen a lot ever? I don’t like it when they say Last Comic Standing, because I feel like I’m a fraud.
Gary Gulman: It’s so funny, but I feel the same way. Not to get too analytical, but I don’t mind talking about it, in the right context. Yet, I wish it was a good sitcom that they recognized me from.
Todd Glass: Yes, that’s exactly correct.
Gary Gulman: We were in a sideshow bazaar, being judged by people who weren’t fit to judge a pumpkin in a huge pumpkin contest. And it’s just insulting that we live in a country where Todd Glass loses to Tammy Pescatelli. It’s frightening. I weep for the sense of humor of this country.
I know Todd is working on a show, Todd Glass Changes America, where he investigates all these different aspects of this act, like things that get him mad. I wanted to know, Gary, are there things that you want to investigate in your act?
Todd Glass: He means something that you talk about that bothers you, what is that?
Gary Gulman: I do do a lot of research for my act. So where is that project, Todd? Are you shooting a pilot?
Todd Glass: Actually, a week ago, I got the green light from a production company. It's a pilot called Todd Glass Changes America, which I really think this will be the show that does it. It’s basically me. Maybe it’s just me being overly cautious, I think people think the name Todd Glass Changes America, it really means Todd Glass Annoys America. It’s not. Whether it’s child rearing or why do people have bad elevator etiquette. It’s like what Bill Maher is on political issues, for social issues. Like how to raise a kid, to something as light as setting up a sting and catching people who don’t tip and asking them why. Not attacking, but asking.
What is your philosophy on elevator etiquette?
Todd Glass: People have to move out of the way when you get off of the elevator, and in this show I teach them how with an air horn. Now that’s a lighter issue, and I think that’s what people expect the whole show to be, but that’s one of the lighter issues. I hope that what Bill Maher has done for politics, I hope I can do for my staunch views on how people raise children these days. I believe that people can raise children without hitting them at all. And I don’t think people who hit their kids have to feel guilty about it, because it was a different time.
There should be the same policy on hitting kids as there is with hitting a wife.
And I said this once, I cannot believe that there is not someone standing on top of a mountain screaming about this, twenty four hours a day. If I had a show that could talk about this once a week, it would be great. Show me a kid who hasn’t been hit and I’ll show you a kid who deals with his first girlfriend a lot better. I mean there’s no way you couldn’t. It’s a pretty wide range. It could be me going to a restaurant and telling them to lower their lights and putting candles on the tables. It’s just something with life, where I see something fit to be changed and it’s me taking care of it.
Gary Gulman: Who are you writing it with?
Todd Glass: Nobody. I mean, there will be writers, but for the pilot, they said just think of eight things that bother you and that you want to do something about, and we’ll shoot 6 of them. That’s sort of how we’ll start, because it’s hard to explain. You think of Todd Glass Saves America, you want it to have depth. You want it to be silly and for at the end of one episode for someone to get it.
Gary Gulman: Can I be executive producer?
Todd Glass: Yes! You can be me.
Gary Gulman: Can I be the star of it?
Todd Glass: Yes! You see how good of a friend I am Ben?
Yes!
Gary Gulman: Let me ask you a question as Ben. Uhh, Todd…
Todd Glass: [laughs] Start over
Gary Gulman: Todd, as Rabbi Lekieva said, regarding Leviticus, as it relates to deuteronomy … Alright, you go Ben, you do it better.
Todd Glass: I liked your beginning! Do it again.
Gary Gulman: Ben is 21, but he sounds like a 75 year old rabbi.
Todd Glass: No! That’s what I said when he first came to my show! Now I don’t know if you can write this, but Ben interviewed me and I thought he was 70 years old, and he was going to come to my show when I opened up for David Spade in Atlantic City. I said “You can only come to the show if you and your friend wear fake moustaches.” So I look out into the audience and both him and his friend were in fake moustaches.
Gary Gulman: How does Spade follow you?
Todd Glass: He does a good job. He doesn’t put any limits on me. I don’t go crazy and play music or anything, but he just does a really nice job.
So, Todd, are you going to do an impersonation of me now?
Todd Glass: [deep voice] Uhh, Gary… If you were a pumpkin and Todd was a piecrust, would you… I can’t really do anything. Sorry Ben.
It’s okay. Back to the uhh—
Todd Glass: Interview. By the way Gary, here’s a guy who’s acting like a hotshot but who really has nothing to do. Are you ready Ben? Did you hear the set up Gary? I’m a guy who acts like a hotshot but has nothing else to do. Ben I’m going to have to ask you to move it along because we have another hour and forty minutes here.
I’ll try to pace myself accordingly. So, Gary is there anything in your act you'd like to investigate?
Gary Gulman: Uhh, no, it’s nothing. It’s all fluff.
Todd Glass: Don’t say that! Let me tell you something about Gary. He’s always worried about how things read. Good comedians always second guess themselves. Like the ones who are funny from the bone second guess themselves, and if Gary is always second guessing himself, it’s because he’s a good comic, but on the other hand I want to scream at him to stop it because he’s fucking hilarious, but, then again, maybe that’s what motivates him to be good.
Gary Gulman: I think it cripples me.
Todd Glass: I think the main thing is, Ben, that you don’t have know the situation that we’re in while we’re being interviewed. Like where we are and how we’re…Gary, explain where you’re at right now.
Gary Gulman: I’m in a hotel in San Francisco, on my bed, completely naked.
Todd Glass: Well, everything’s the same, except I’m on my parent’s front lawn. No, the truth is, that’s where Gary is, but I am in the suburbs of Philly, I didn’t want to do this in my house, so I’m in my car with the air conditioning on in my driveway.
Are you surprised by the weather this time of year in Philly?
Todd Glass: That’s a great question, did your grandmother give you that one?
No, I was just talking to Maria Bamford last week and she’s from Minnesota…
Todd Glass: Oh, it was actually casual conversation, and I went and made fun of you. I call that pulling a Mike Burton, and that’s not very nice. Yeah, the weather is very nice, I thought it would be colder. A mother and her kids just walked by, saw me sitting here, and looked a little nervous.
So with you two traveling the country as often as you do, are you noticing the effects of global warming?
Todd Glass: Gary?
Gary Gulman: The affects of global warming are that you can’t enjoy an unseasonably warm day anymore because people just say it’s global warming.
Todd Glass: [laughs] It used to be that if it was nice on Christmas Day, or in the middle of January, you’d be like “Oh my God!” but now heaven forbid that you enjoy it. You’ll be one of those people who just don’t deal with the truth.
Gary Gulman: In denial?
Todd Glass: Yeah! God forbid you go out on a 90-degree day in January and enjoy it, people will think you’re in denial. They look at you like you need help. I look at the way that this affects me, and I don’t mean to be shallow, but I had a snow cone the other day, and it melted in like 20 minutes. I can usually eat them for 40. But it really does affect everything you do.
Gary Gulman: There are a few things that contribute to global warming, some more than others. Like methane from cows, exhaust from cars, and the amount of laughter generated from Todd Glass.
Todd Glass: Aww… That’s so nice! What does that mean?
Gary Gulman: The people exhale vigorously from laughing.
Todd Glass: Ben, you see why this is going to be fun?
Gary Gulman: And the carbon dioxide is raised wherever Todd Glass is making mirth.
Todd Glass: Ben, you know the thing that Gary said about global warming? If you botch it up, I’ll literally go to your house and hit you over the head with a frying pan if I read that and it doesn’t read right.
Oh I got a guy working on these. ( Transcriber's note: Thanks for selling me out.)
Todd Glass: Let me see how I would do it. While talking with Gary Gulman on the phone, he acknowledges that you can’t enjoy an unseasonably warm day. What else, Ben, before we wrap this shindig up?
So, Todd, since you're Philly native, are there any things, since you know the area, that you want Gary to see?
Todd Glass: I’m going to take him to Serendipity.
Gary Gulman: Todd, that’s actually in New York City.
Todd Glass: Oh! Okay. Then we’ll go to Rockefeller Center and hang out there at night.
Gary Gulman: Again, New York.
Todd Glass: Oooh. Sounds like this trip is going to suck. No, probably the cheese steak thing, you got to do that. Gary is actually very lucky. I met his mother the second day I met him. So he’s very lucky that I’m going to take him to the suburbs, and meet my mom and her three dogs, and her husband.
Gary Gulman: What kind of dogs are they?
Todd Glass: A great dame, a Burmese mountain dog, and I forget what the other one is.
Gary Gulman: Remember the lie you told me, where you said that your mom breeds a certain type of dog?
Todd Glass: No! That really happened! My mom bred standard poodles at one point, and then labradoodles. Why did you think I lied?
Gary Gulman: I told you that I got a Cavalier King Charles and you said your mom bred them.
Todd Glass: She did. There was a long period of time those were the dogs she bred. And I remember she did breed them for only about a year. Would I lie to you?
Gary Gulman: It’s just something that somebody funny would say when you tell them that.
Todd Glass: You have a cavalier? You bought one, right?
Gary Gulman: Yeah, it's like if you said “I saw that movie Little Miss Sunshine and I love it”, and I would say “Thank you I wrote it”
Todd Glass: I actually did write that movie. So yeah, in Philadelphia, it’s cheese steaks and that’s it. We’ll hang out at night at Helium. You feel like you got to know us now?
Yes.
Gary Gulman: Did you record this, Ben?
Yes.
Send me a copy.
Will do.
Todd Glass: Wait! You recorded this? Hold on! [singing] There’s no business like show business like no business I know. Here’s how we’re going to open the show. Gary, see if you can take the lead. [singing, again] First I was afraid, I was petrified!
Gary Gulman: [also singing] Just thinking I could never live without you by my side.
Todd Glass: [continues singing] I’ve spent so many nights feeling lonely by myself, and then I realized I don’t know anymore.-- Gary, I think it would be great if we opened the show with some cheesy song for about twenty seconds.
Gary Gulman: That would be really funny.