This is actual material I performed in front of an audience of my peers, their parents, and guests at school talent shows. Take into consideration that I was fourteen the first time I did it. And that I’m an idiot. That’s important too.
4/26/2002
Sometimes I like to go to my local shopping center and walk around, criticizing their products. I particularly enjoy the gummy products, shaped like turtles but flavored as limes –it makes me feel as though I’m missing out. But apparently, people would rather eat something shaped like a worm rather than an orange. I mean it’s food, shape it like what it’s supposed to taste like or at least gelatinous mass shape. Fish don’t taste like crackers and crackers aren’t fish; but the ones I’m referring to bare a smile and wear sunglasses, so not only are they being eaten, they’re eaten with style. It’s like the little peanut-man with his top hat and monocle. Do you know how he got those? He sold his friends out and you ate them.
Food manufacturers seem to have trouble naming there products; I’ve seen drinks with names like Surfer Cooler or Pacific Quencher with pictures of little people playing on the beach; this leads me to believe that people is a main ingredient.
Blueberry Blast, Tropical Fruit Mambo, Ruby Red tangerine Extreme, what’s so extreme about this juice? Nothing, they just want to make it more exciting; well I don’t want to drink anything that’s going to make me explode, combust, or dance.
There’s Jell-o and now there’s Extreme Jell-o, Jell-o to the max. Of course extreme is spelled with out the “E” and there’s no difference between the two, but I am told that when “X” is accented in such a way it means drugs, so apparently there is a difference.
There are chips that come in bottles; this way one gets fatter faster and then they choke. “Dangerously cheesy,” is used to describe cheese puffs. I would think marketing would want to avoid the word dangerous. “This has so much cheese it may kill you.” it may deter possible consumers.
10/18/2002
I like these stores that try to please everyone with their large selection, which may range from socks to electronics. But, with more variety comes a greater selection of things you don’t need. Like the unnecessary car accessory section, which specializes in big fluffy pink dice, seat covers, steering wheel covers—basically cover covers. Next to that is the air freshener section, featuring the foot shaped air freshener. Why feet? Feet are associated with foul odor, not mint. There are no cherry scented feet walking around to my knowledge.
Then there are collectable items, what makes an item collectable? Writing collectable on it makes it collectable. But to be collectable the object has to relate to something of importance. “You’ve seen the cartoon, now buy the shampoo. You’ve seen the movie, now own the candle.” If one has to give a gift, there’s always Genuine Replicas: the original sells for thousands, yours does not. Or the paperweight, which is the equivalent of giving someone a rock as a present.
Toy department is fun to visit, get to see what adults think children will enjoy. There are the dolls behind glass cases; they’re for looking at not playing with. Then there’s the plush toy you hit to get it to talk, which teaches children that hitting others is fun. Some things say “non-toxic”, which needs to be known if it is a product that children are likely to eat; this could be avoided if crayons weren’t called plum, cotton candy, or macaroni and cheese. These companies know what they’re doing; kids can’t like macaroni and cheese.
Greeting card companies seem to be the only companies for whom it is acceptable to make up holidays to move product. There seems to be a card for almost every occasion, although I’ve yet to see a “heard you had a boil removed” card. But greeting card companies are not without a sense of irony, which can be seen with their Arbor Day campaign.
The alternative to going to such a store is buying a gift from one of the many catalogs that comes to your house. Of course, this only works if the person whose going to get the gift really wants a rubber dog’s head that barks when anyone walks by, a talking bottle opener, or giant pillow shaped as a banana.
4/11/2003
I don’t enjoy haircuts; I don’t like the experience as a whole. It starts with the short conversation between the cutter and the one getting the cutting “How do you want it cut?” “I don’t know; regular, plain, just make it shorter than it is now.”
Then they ask about the buzzer; hair cutters like the buzzer because it makes their job easier, but they may get carried away– accidentally shave off an eyebrow or nose.
For people who want to give themselves a hair cut there’s the Flowbee, a buzzer attachment for vacuum cleaners. This is one of the leading causes of ear related injuries in America.
There’s a knife that can cut through metal, wood, and then still be sharp enough to cut through a leg of lamb. This thing can cut through a door and then its owner. If someone wants a knife like this, they need a license and a three-day waiting period.
There are a lot of exercise tapes out there. Abs of Steel, Ass of Rock, Silver Thighs, but Silver Thighs sounds like a low level villain.
“Oh, my Spidey sense is tingling. What’s that? Silver Thighs? I don’t think so. It’s not even worth my time. I’ll let the police handle this one.”
I’ve seen a commercial for a mattress so good, that it’s approved my NASA. NASA? Since when are they an authority on mattresses? That’s like having a pillow approved by the CIA, the Culinary Institute of America.
“Here at the CIA we choose the best of the best and that’s why we choose this pillow. Broiled, poached, steamed, sautéed or just with a hint of lemon- this pillow is fantastic.”
My neighbors are strange. They like to keep a garden, and they make certain requests of me.“Hey, Ben. See this rose bush? Could you be careful with it? Don’t step on it or anything. Thanks.” They want me to make sure that when I trespass, I trespass carefully.
They also grow fig trees. “Hey, Ben. See these fig trees? Could you not steal the fruit they reap? Thanks. Tell your grandma too.” They go back inside and hide behind the curtains, peeking through, whispering, “You see the way that old lady eyed our figs? I told you she’s trouble. I knew it from the get go.” Later, they give me some figs as a reward for not stealing them myself. They tell me every year not to steal because if they stop it’s an invitation to begin.
I’m going to make my own request. “Hey, you can see through my window, right? See that cactus on the table inside my house? Could you not steal it? Could you not break in, throw it on the ground, and then jump on it? I’d really appreciate it. Thanks.”
3/12/2004
Hey hey. Almost didn’t make it here tonight. Could have died for no reason at all, and there’s nothing I could do about it. Earth could have opened up and swallowed me, or zombies. Yeah, got to take the zombie factor into consideration. I saw a movie about zombies, 28 Days Later. My favorite part of the movie was when this guy lunged at another guy and gouged his eyes out. I yelled, “He didn’t see that one coming.”
But that movie made me do some thinking and I’ve decided that when I die, I want to be cremated and have my ashes thrown into the eyes of my enemies– by my friends– perpetuating the circle of hate.
I’ve also decided that people go about the funeral business all wrong. Here’s the rundown for ideal funeral: people come in, site down, the doors are locked, and a voice announces, “Ben wants you all to join him,” and the room starts filling with green gas and people are getting nervous, and the voice continues, “In the greatest party of your lives,” and then the funeral turns into a rave.
People are too busy to notice that the body is being dressed up as different patrons, like the bartender. “Hey, I’ll have a bloody mar– whoa, why is the body serving drinks? That’s definitely a health code violation.”
I don’t like helping others, so the only things to inherit from me are debts and diseases. “Hey, what did Ben leave me?”
“A mortgage and a weak bladder.”
I did some volunteer work at an elementary school and the kids there were cursing a lot, so I told them to say sandwich instead of bad words. They were going around, saying, “Sandwich you in the face, you mother sandwiching piece of sandwich.” Their parents must think they have really hungry kids.
But I don’t blame TV for their behavior. In fact, TV and I are good friends. Every week, TV and I go to these wild, crazy parties and do all sorts of insane things I can’t even begin to explain. The other day, TV and I had a little too much to drink and we woke up in the same bed. I hope what I think happened didn’t happen because I don’t want it to ruin the special relationship TV and I have.
But I don’t want to talk about that, just like I don’t want to talk about that time a guy pulled up to me in a black SUV and asked for directions: to my crotch! And I said, “Whoa, you’re a pervert!” and I pointed at him with two fingers so he knew I was talking about him, and I said, “That’s not cool, I’m running away!”
The strange thing is, it was me he was trying to pick up, not some little kid. And it’s going to take a lot more than candy and Nintendo to lure me into his cabin in the woods.
That, with the guy, was much more surprising than the time I was at Shoprite and I heard someone call their wife Chrissie-poo. What, poo? Since when is poo a term of endearment? I usually don’t associate people I care about with bowel movements. But, hey, what do I know? I keep baby pictures of myself in my wallet and tell people it’s my son.
