Ipity Ape
By Ben Kharakh
In July 2006, ten men raped one eleven-year-old girl and didn't kill her. She escaped and they were arrested. This is their true story, verbatim.
Two couches line the back and right walls.. There's a coffee table littered with empty cans, dirty plates, magazines, and a half a bag of Peanut Chews. Eight men are seated, a ninth, Glen, plays with a rubber tipped oar, and a tenth, Hank, enters.
Jim: So, how'd you kill her?
Hank: (Hesitantly) I thought you were killing her.
Jim: Oh, okay. (Stands up) Great. I guess we're going to prison. Fantastic. What do we do now?
Hank: Well, maybe it's not too late to kill her. Invite her over again, but tell her we won't rape her this time.
Bill: (Sighs regretfully)
Jim: We're way past regret.
Bill: I still regret it.
Hank: Me too.
Jim: No one forced you to rape anybody.
Hank: Hey, I only raped a little.
Jim: The hell you did. If I remember correctly, weren't you the one going, (To Last Night a DJ Saved my Life) "A rip, rape, rapity rape, a rip rape rapity rape."
Hank: First, off, I sang to Rapper's Delight. You're doing Last Night a DJ Saved my Life by Indeep.
Bill: If you both don't shut up, we're all going to be Indeep… shit. (Smiles. Searching for approval.) Eh?
Hank: Why do you keep saying the word rape? Is it to make it less powerful?
Bill: It'd be idiotic to compare rape to racism. It doesn't have layers, it's just a terrible thing. It's not like me saying Jap over and over again to make it mean less.
Hank: Are you calling me an idiot?
Bill: No, I'm calling you a jap.
Hank: (Matter-of-factly) Well, then I suggest we blame it all on Bill.
Bill: If you say I did it, I'm going to side with the little girl. She's not going to let any of you guys get away. (Pleased) Then I'll be the one to get off easy.
Hank: Then we'll kill you.
Jim: Good thinking. (Beat) let's all kill ourselves.
Bill: Wait.
Jim: What?
Bill: Never mind.
Jim: What?
Bill: I was just going to say that we could deny it, but they'll probably expect that.
Jim: Yeah.
Glen, who has been pressing a rubber tipped oar against the floor, realizes that the tip has split in two. He bends down, retrieves the second piece, and aligns it with the rest of the oar.
Jim: Look what he's doing! He thinks he can fix it by lining the two pieces up.
Everyone turns their heads toward Glen, who attempts once again to join both parts of the oar.
Jim: He's still doing it!
Laughter ensues and the group sighs in relief.
Bill: Well, I'm gonna go.
Jim: Where?
Bill: Home. To pack. And then leave the country. (Gets up to leave, walks toward the door, and stops with his hand on the knob.) You forgot, right? That rape is illegal. And that we're going to prison.
All exit, except for Hank and Jim, who remove luggage from behind the sofa and begin packing.
Hank: (While putting dishes into his luggage) I don't think I want to room with you once we're out of the country.
Jim: Why not?
Hank: (Packing away couch cushions) Because you're a rapist.
Jim: You raped too!
Hank: I raped only a little. (Beat) Man, I wish I had a time machine so that I could go back and stop the rape.
Jim: I'd invest in the stock market instead. (Reaches for Peanut Chews)
Hank: Those are mine! (Grabs peanut chews)
Jim: (Grabs peanut chews) I called dibs on them.
Jim and Hank are both pulling on the peanut chews.
Hank: You can't call dibs on something that isn't yours!
Jim: You brought them for everybody!
Bill Enters as Hank and Jim are fighting over the bag.
Bill: Hey, I think I left my wallet here. (Beat) Wow. This is bad. I don't know what's worse to walk in on: a rape, or two grown men in their underwear fighting over a bag of candy.
Hank: (Let's go of candy) I forgot that I was in my underwear.
Jim: (Seriously) I forgot that I was a man.