Kevin woke up screaming. He thought that there were bees in his bed. No, that makes Kevin look bad. He was screaming because his alarm told him that there were bees in his bed. No, because he had one of those alarms that allows one to record a personalized message, and Kevin choose, “Wake up, Kevin, there are bees in your bed! Ahhhh!”
It was so late in the evening that it was morning and people everywhere were waking up to go to work, while in other parts of the world it was noon, and somewhere else it was dusk. That’s because the Earth is round and it rotates, which means that it’s different parts of the day depending on where one lives, but Kevin only cared about where he lived. He was waking up early so he could make more money in a single day.
Kevin was an entrepreneur of a unique nature. He choose a business venture that others would avoid. His idea came to him when he was going on a walk and had to use the restroom, but none were available because he was far from home. Thinking at all about using a public lavatory disgusted him. His contemplation was the equivalent of touching ocean water with the tip of one’s toe and then retreating from the advances of a wave, except this wave carried feces and smelled. Actually, this image works well for both the visual senses and olfactory as well. Simply imagine a wave of feces washing over every surface. And then, even then, after the feces has touched everything, there still remains a hobo.
“I’d pay good money to be able to use a clean restroom right now,” Kevin thought. And that’s the story of how Kevin opened his first bathroom, which, to this day, is his only bathroom. Later, though, oh man! He’d like to open another. Until then, the threat of bees in his bed will awake him early in the morning so that he can prepare for his day of bathroom attendance.
The restroom looked as though it had been ripped out of a suburban home. It was a half bath, which is a euphemism for fake bathroom. It contained a sink, a toilet, and a mirror. The doors bolted shut upon entrance, for the protection of customers and to ensure Kevin received his payment. As an added threat to discourage skipping the bill, Kevin was able to make the toilet go in reverse. That’s right; it’s exactly what it sounds like and oh how unpleasant it is when the toilet must go in reverse.
After each customer, Kevin would quickly clean the facilities and the next customer would enter. Odors were dispersed with an industrial strength fan that was so powerful that, if necessary, it could decapitate a buffalo, a claim guaranteed by the manufacturer. Kevin had no qualms with buffalo, so he never tested it, but he had lost many a shoe due to the fan.
“Oh, you’ll rue the day you destroyed my loafer,” threatened Kevin on many an occasion, but he never stayed angry. He had grown to cherish the fan, but he still kept his distance because he liked being able to hold things.
The morning and evening hours were busy, but the midday was not, so Kevin had a television installed in the small compartment next to the facilities. He had cable, a tape deck, and a DVD player, none of which were used for watching footage of people using the restroom. Sweet Jesus, the thought had never occurred to him! “I’m not like that! You can trust Kevin,” he maintained. Also, he read books, which, also, were not about bathrooms because, again, he’s not like that.
Kevin sometimes contemplated installing a shower or selling goods, but he refused to be pegged as the guy in the newsstand that charged people to use his bathroom. That was not a guy he wanted to be. Kevin knew that guy and, although Phil was nice, Kevin did not want to be him. Kevin hoped that in the near future he’d be able to pay off the debt of his first bathroom and then open a second bathroom. He’d try to hire his nephew to tend the restroom, but he’d refuse because of the name-calling that would ensue. Names like, “Johnny Toilet Cleaner” or “Johnny Doo Doo Eater” or “Loser”. Kevin also knew that the children were too busy playing video games to come up with clever insults. “Hey Johnny,” they would taunt, “go clean up your uncle’s crap.” He’d deny the accusation and insist that it was the crap of strangers that he cleaned. As a result, Johnny would die single, alone, and prone to redundancy.
But it didn’t have to be that way. Johnny could travel backward through time, because they would have that in the future, and plant tapes of people going to the bathroom in his uncle’s home. Yes! Then he’d call the police and they’d take Kevin away, albeit the claims that he’s not like that. Now explain those tapes, pervert! Yes, they’d take Kevin away and Johnny could live a normal life and do normal things, in the future.
“No,” thought Kevin, “I’m not hiring that kid if that’s how he’s going to do me in. Beside, I don’t have a nephew. Or any siblings.”
“What was that?”
“What? Oh, I said I don’t have any air freshener.”
“Right,” said the customer, “Well, the machine won’t take my quarters and I don’t want to be here long or people might suspect that I actually go to the bathroom, and I don’t want them judging me.”
“Don’t be silly, sir,” Kevin assured the man, “only school children mock one another for a normal thing like that, not adults. Adults would never do that.”
“Yeah, I guess so,” the man said, sliding ten Euros across the counter, insisting Kevin keep the change. That’s right, Euros! Yeah, you probably thought this story took place in America, didn’t you, you bigot! Hatemonger!
