A version of this piece appeared first on Opium Magazine
Killer Pants: The Pants That Kill… You
EXT. CITY APARTMENT-DAY
W.S:
Pan across A small apartment, filled with clutter and far too many book cases until stopping at DRACULA, 26, sitting in a big reclining chair with his back to the camera. The door bell rings and DRACULA spins the chair around, revealing his young frame draped in a black cape.
Dracula
Coming!
The camera follows DRACULA across the room.
CU: DRACULA reaching for the knob
W.S:
The door is kicked in his face by VAN HELSING, 26, who is clothed in the garb of a slacker: flannel shirt and torn jeans.
Van Helsing
I hope you’re okay, ’cause I’m going to kill the shit out of you.
VAN HELSING runs toward DRACULA, jumps, and kicks, but since he has no martial arts training he just looks foolish. Dracula grabs hold of VAN HELSING and the two appear to be hugging, but really it’s an intense struggle. The two are punching each other’s back and sides until they keel over with VAN HELSING resting on top of DRACULA.
POV:Dracula
VAN HELSING
I hope you like your steak rare, cause it’s about to get bloody.
DRACULA punches VAN HELSING in the face.
VAN HELSING
(While pointing at DRACULA)
Fuck you, Dracula!
CUT TO
W.S.
VAN HELSING drives a stake into DRACULA’s chest, gets up, and wipes sweat from his brow. VAN HELSING heads for the door, and, looks over at DRACULA.
VAN HELSING
Nice pants.
INT. VINTAGE CLOTHING STORE-DAY
W.S. Pan across Store and focus on:
Two employees, Jason and Chris, both 22, behind a counter. Jason sits, reclining on a chair reading a magazine while Chris attentively mans the cash register. The store is lined with racks of used clothes, with some mannequins modeling various outfits from decades past.VAN HELSING approaches the counter carrying DRACULA’s pants.
M.S.
VAN HELSING
How much can I get for these pants?
CHRIS
You didn’t get those off a dead guy, did you?
VAN HELSING
No, un-dead.
CHRIS
Great, I’ll give you ten bucks.
VAN HELSING
Done.
The two exchange pants for money and VAN HELSING begins to leave the store.
Jason
(Looking up from his magazine to point.)
Hey, you should enter our raffle.
Jason points at a fishbowl full of business cards.
VAN HELSING
Sure, why not?
Van Helsing drops in a card and exits.
CUT TO
EXT. ALLEYWAY-DAY
W.S.
The WOLFMAN and a MUMMY meet in the alleyway to discuss their scheme.
M.S:
WOLFMAN
I saw the whole thing, boss. Van Helsing sold Dracula’s pants to a vintage clothing store.
M.S:
MUMMY
Excellent. Soon, the moon shall be full and you will bite me. Then, I shall have your powers and, with Dracula’s pants, will become the most powerful thing ever! Then you’ll get your money.
M.S.: Both
WOLFMAN
And I’ll buy a fast car and use it to get lots of chicks.
MUMMY
(sarcastically)
Yeah, I’m sure that’ll help.
CUT TO
INT VINTAGE CLOTHING STORE-DAY
M.S.
Chris and Jason are folding clothes.
CHRIS
How long has that guy been trying on clothes?
JASON
Like ten minutes. I’ll go check in on him.
W.S. Camera follows As:
Jason walks over to the fitting room and knocks on the door.
JASON
Sir, are you alright? Sir? Sir?! He’s not answering.
Jason opens the door to reveal:
POV JASON:
The customer lying on the ground with DRACULA’s pants around his ankles.
JASON
Crap! He’s on the floor; call an ambulance.
W.S.
JASON shakes the customer and begins slapping him, hoping to revive him. Chris observes while on the phone.
CHRIS
Hello, 911? I have an emergency. I’m at Ralph’s Vintage Clothing and a customer is unconscious.I don’t know if he’s breathing…No, he’s laying down…My friend’s slapping him right now…Stop slapping him! Okay…They said they’d be here soon.
Chris hangs up the phone.
CHRIS
What about the pants?
JASON
What about them?
CHRIS
I get the feeling the boss wouldn’t want them to go to waste. That’s profit.
JASON
You’re right. Take them off.
CHRIS
Why me?
JASON
One two three not it!
CHRIS
You can’t do one two three not it when there’s just two people. Besides, one two three not it!
JASON
Shit.
Jason removes Dracula’s pants and throws them in a pile of clothes that need sorting.
JASON
Where are his pants?
CHRIS
(After looking around)
I don’t see them anywhere.
JASON
Well, hopefully the paramedics won’t notice.
W.S. Camera follows as:
Two paramedics enter and move toward the back.
PARAMEDIC ONE
Where is he?
Chris points at the customer’s legs pointing out of a fitting room.
M.S.
One of the paramedics checks his vitals.
PARAMEDIC ONE
(Looking up at Chris)
Where are his pants?
CHRIS
We don’t know.
PARAMEDIC ONE
What do you mean you don’t know?
JASON
There’s no time for that right now! This man is dying.
PARAMEDIC ONE
He’s already dead.
W.S.
CHRIS
Then get him out of here!
The paramedics put the body on a stretcher and wheel it out of the store.
JASON
Hey, do you think we can use this as an excuse to close the store early?
CHRIS
Definitely. Let’s head down to O’Halahans!
JASON
Yeah!
They both high five.
Cut to:
INT VINTAGE CLOTHING STORE-DAY
Chris and Jason enter the vintage clothing store. They spot the OWNER, 46, overweight, bald, and wearing a Hawaiian shirt.
OWNER
Where were you two assbags?! I had to open the store by myself and then one of the customers died on me. Here, throw out these pants.
The OWNER throws the pants to Jason.
OWNER
(pointing at Chris)
And you, get behind the counter.
The Owner exits.
JASON
Wow, that is so weird. Those are the same pants from yesterday.
CHRIS
I know. It’s a shame to just throw them out, though. I’m going to give them to that homeless guy that lives down the street.
Chris exits and returns in a bit.
Later.
W.S. P.O.V. Chris & Jason:
The store is empty as the WOLFMAN and a MUMMY, who is now covered with patches of fur, enter. The WOLFMAN locks the door behind him.
W.S.
CHRIS AND JASON stand in the middle of the store.
CHRIS
Oh Jesus Christ! It’s the Wolfman and a Mummy. And the Mummy has a gun.
JASON
How do you think the Mummy got that gun?
MUMMY
I killed a guy for it.
JASON
With what?
MUMMY
A gun!
Chris & Jason
Oh no!
The MUMMY punches CHRIS right in the gut knocking the wind out of him.
MUMMY:
Bring me the killer pants.
CHRIS
(Groaning)
I gave them to a homeless man.
MUMMY
Take me to him.
CUT TO
EXT ALLEYWAY-DAY
W.S.
The four approach a large cardboard box covered with a tarp, outside of which stick out a homeless man’s legs. The MUMMY pulls off the tarp to reveal that the homeless man is dead. His pants are missing and DRACULA’s pants are around his ankles.
MUMMY
Once I put on these pants, I shall become the most powerful thing ever. Then I’m going to make you two beat the shit out of each other because if I beat the shit out of you it’ll kill you. And after you’re done beating the shit out of each other, I’m going to kill you!
W.S., Focus on:
The Mummy putting on Dracula’s pants.
MUMMY
I feel it. I feel the power!
(Panicking)
Draining out of me-oh no!
C.U:
The Mummy disintegrates into a pile of dust, clumps of hair, and bandages. The pants fall to the ground.
W.S.
CHRIS
(Relieved)
We are so lucky that happened. I’m totally not cut out for adventure.
JASON
Yeah, but what about him?
WOLFMAN
Nah, we’re cool.
The pants get up and kick the Wolfman in the nards, prompting him to clutch his groin before keeling over. The pants flee
WOLFMAN
My nards!
Jason
Holy shit! Did you see that? That was awesome.
CHRIS
Yeah! But, euch, I think we have to stop those pants!
Jason
If I were a pair of killer pants, where would I go?
Chris
Well, those pants don’t know their way around the city.
JASON
You’re right. To the vintage clothing store!
CUT TO
INT VINTAGE CLOTHING STORE-DAY
W.S.
JASON
Shit, the pants aren’t here.
CHRIS
Why would the pants?
JASON
(Interrupting)
I don’t know. I just thought. Wait! The guy that sold us the pants.
CHRIS
Yeah?
JASON
He should know what to do.
CHRIS
Yeah! He dropped his card into the raffle.
Jason dumps all the cards out of the fishbowl.
JASON
Which one is he?
CHRIS
I don’t know; we’ll have to call all of them.
JASON
But it’s ten o’clock. Is that too late?
CHRIS
Just start dialing.
M.S.
JASON
(on the phone)
Hello. Dr. Wiener? Dr. Wiener Wiener? This is Ralph’s Vintage Clothing. Did you sell us a pair of murderous pants? Hello? Hello? She hung up!
CHRIS
Wait, this guy’s name is Van Helsing. It’s got to be him!
JASON
Why?
C.U.
CHRIS holds up a card that says, “Yep, that’s me,” on it.
M.S.
JASON throws CHRIS the phone.
CHRIS
(on the phone)
Van Helsing? This is Ralph’s Vintage Clothing. Those pants you sold us are eating the customers. Get here right away.
W.S.: Front of store
VAN HELSING. runs into the store, panting.
W.S:
CHRIS
Why the hell did you sell us those fraking pants? They’ve killed three people, a Mummy, kicked the Wolfman in the nards, ran away, and now they’re up to who knows what.
VAN HELSING
(panting)
I didn’t know.
CHRIS
You didn’t know? You’re Van Helsing
VAN HELSING
No, I’m Doug Van Helsing. I’m Van Helsing’s great, great, great, great, grandson. I’m a web designer. I don’t know anything about any of this. I was just trying to spice up my life.
JASON
But you took down Dracula.
VAN HELSING
No, that was Dracula’s great, great, great, great grandson- Kevin Dracula. He was a stoner.
CHRIS
I don’t care if it was Flip Dracula the Transexual, you’re going to help us get those pants. Now what do we do?
VAN HELSING
(Thinking)
Well, how do you stop a pair of pants?
WOLFMAN ENTERS
WOLFMAN
With a belt!
W.S.: Front of store
WOLFMAN holds a belt above his head and snaps it.
W.s.
Jason, Chris, Van Helsing, & Wolfman
(All at once)
Wolfman!
WOLFMAN walks across the store.
WOLFMAN
That’s right. No one kicks me in the nards and gets away with it.
VAN HELSING
Let’s go catch us some pants.
CUT TO
EXT.Street Evening
M.S.
VAN HELSING, CHRIS, JASON, & WOLFMAN all poke their heads out the door and see:
W.S.
VAN HELSING’s Toyota parked in the middle of the road. The street is littered with pantsless dead people. The pants, which have grown to an inseam of sixty-two and a waist of fifty-six, are chasing a man, who they leap at waist first, engulf, and force out pantsless and dead out of their left leg. The WOLFMAN walks onto the middle of the street and snaps the belt, garnering the attention of the pants.
This scene is choreographed to fit Igor Stravinsky’s Rite of Spring Begins, like that fight scene between the T-Rex and Brontosaurus in Disney’s Fantasia.
CUT TO
POV WOLFMAN
CUT TO
POV PANTS
CUT TO
W.S.
The two stare each other down and charge. Once they meet, they begin to circle.
ALTERNATE BETWEEN POV PANTS POV WOLFMAN
WOLFMAN occasionally snapping the belt, to which the pants respond with a high kick.
W.S.
WOLFMAN lunges, but the pants kick him to the ground. They continue to circle. WOLFMAN, with every attempt, gets more of the belt through the pant’s loops, although the pants knock him off his balance a few times. WOLFMAN’s triumph, however, is inevitable, and soon he has the pants on their knees,
CU
The belt tightening to close the waist.
W.S.
WOLFMAN steps away and gives the pants room to keel over.
M.S
The pants fall forward
C.U.
The pants kick, lay flat, twitch, and are finally still.
Music fades
W.S.
WOLFMAN
It’s just a matter of time till those pants starve. Then we can throw them on a bonfire.
CHRIS
Doesn’t that seem a little cruel?
JASON
Yeah, we should pay our respects some how.
WOLFMAN
How about an Irish wake?!
VAN HELSING walks over to the Toyota, turns up the radio so that Improper Dancing by The Electric Six starts playing, and pops the trunk to reveal a cooler full of beers. VAN HELSING starts passing the beers around and a party breaks loose. They all raise their beers in celebration.
THE END
