Killer Pants: The Pants That Kill...You
By Ben Kharakh
Killer Pants: The Pants That Kill... You
EXT. CITY APARTMENT DAY
The doorbell rings.
DRACULA: Coming.
As Dracula reaches for the knob, the door is kicked in his face.
VAN HELSING:: I hope you're okay, cause I'm going to kill the shit out of you.
Van Helsing runs toward Dracula, jumps, and kicks, but since he has no martial arts training he just looks foolish. Dracula grabs hold of Van Helsing and the two appear to be hugging, but really it's an intense struggle. The two are punching each other's back and sides until they keel over, with Van Helsing resting on top of Dracula.
VAN HELSING:: I hope you like your steak rare, cause it's about to get bloody.
Dracula punches Van Helsing in the face.
VAN HELSING::(While pointing at Dracula.) Fuck you Dracula!
Van Helsing drives a stake into Dracula's chest, gets up, and wipes sweat from his brow. He surveys the room and robs Dracula. Van Helsing heads for the door, and, lookinh over at Dracula, notes the quality of his pants.
VAN HELSING:: Nice pants.
INT. VINTAGE CLOTHING STORE DAY
Two employees stand behind a counter, Jason and Chris, discussing the appearance of customers.
JASON (Indicating a blonde woman.): Would you hit that?
CHRIS: Only with a brick.
Van Helsing approaches the counter carrying Dracula's pants.
VAN HELSING: How much can I get for these pants?
CHRIS: You didn't get those off a dead guy, did you?
VAN HELSING:No, undead.
CHRIS: Great, I'll give you ten bucks.
VAN HELSING: Done.
The two exchange pants for money and Van Helsing begins to leave the store.
JASON: Hey, you should enter our raffle. (Points at fish bowl full of business cards.)
VAN HELSING: Why not?
Van Helsing drops his business card into the bowl and then exits.
EXT. ALLEYWAY DAY
The Wolfman and a Mummy meet in the alleyway to discuss their scheme.
Wolfman:I saw the whole thing, boss. Van Helsing sold Dracula's pants to a vintage clothing store.
MUMMY: Excellent. Soon, the moon shall be full and you will bite me. Then, I shall have your powers and, with Dracula's pants, will become the most powerful thing ever! Then you'll get your money.
Wolfman: And I'll buy a fast car and use it to get lots of chicks.
MUMMY: (Sarcastically) Yeah, I'm sure that'll help.
INT VINTAGE CLOTHING STORE DAY
A customer is trying on Dracula's pants.
CHRIS: How long has that guy been trying on those pants?
JASON: Like ten minutes. I'll go check in on him. (Jason knocks on fitting room door.) Sir, are you alright? Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir? He's not answering.
Jason opens the door to reveal the customer lying on the ground with Dracula's pants around his ankles.
JASON: Crap! He's on the floor; call an ambulance. (Jason begins slapping the man's face while Chris calls for help.)
CHRIS: (On the phone.) No, he's unconscious. I don't know if he's breathing. My friend's slapping him right now. (Pause) Stop slapping him! (Hangs up the phone. ) They said they'd be here in two minutes.
JASON: What about the pants?
CHRIS: What about them?
JASON: We can't let them take the store's pants. That's profit.
CHRIS: You're right. Take them off.
JASON: Why me?
CHRIS: One two three not it.
JASON: You can't do one two three not it when there's just two people. Besides, one two three not it!
CHRIS: Shit! (Removes Dracula's pants from the customer.) Where are his pants?
JASON: I don't see them anywhere.
CHRIS: Well, hopefully the paramedics won't notice.
Two Paramedics enter.
PARAMEDIC ONE: Where is he?
CHRIS: Right there. (Points at dead guy.)
PARAMEDIC ONE: Where are his pants?
CHRIS: We don't know.
PARAMEDIC ONE: What do you mean you don't know?
JASON: There's no time for that right now! This man is dying.
PARAMEDIC ONE: He's already dead.
JASON: Then get him out of here!
The paramedics put the body on a stretcher and wheel it out of the store.
CHRIS: Hey, do you think we can use this as an excuse to close the store early?
JASON: Definitely. Let's get drunk.
CHRIS: Yeah! (Both high five.)
The following noon, Chris and Jason enter the vintage clothing store, outside of which an ambulance is parked.
OWNER: Where were you two assbags? I had to open the store myself and then one of the customers died on me. Here, throw out these pants. (Throws Dracula's pants to Chris.) And you, get behind the counter. (Owner leaves.)
JASON: Wow, that's weird. Those are the same pants from yesterday.
CHRIS: Yeah. It's a shame to just throw them out. I'm going to give them to that homeless guy that lives down the street.
Chris exits and returns five minutes later. Time passes and now it's six PM. The store is empty as the Wolfman and a Mummy, who is now covered with patches of fur, enter. The Wolfman locks the door behind him.
CHRIS: Oh Jesus Christ! It's the Wolfman and a Mummy. And the Mummy has a gun.
JASON: How do you think the Mummy got that gun?
MUMMY: I killed a guy for it.
JASON: With what?
MUMMY: A gun!
CHRIS & JASON: Oh no! (Mummy punches Chris in the face.)
CHRIS: We better do what he wants, that hurt.
MUMMY: I want those pants.
JASON: Dude, the Mummy's queer.
MUMMY: (Mummy punches Chris in the face again.) Not your pants. The killer pants!
CHRIS: (Rubbing his jaw.) I gave them to a homeless man.
MUMMY: Take me to him. (The four exit the store.)
EXT ALLEYWAY DAY
A large cardboard box covered with a tarp, outside of which stick out a homeless man's legs. The Mummy pulls off the tarp to reveal that the homeless man is dead. His pants are missing and Dracula's pants are around his ankles.
MUMMY: Once I put on these pants, I shall be the most powerful thing ever. Then I'm going to make you two beat the shit out of each other because if I beat the shit out of you it'll kill you. And after you're done beating the shit out of each other, I'm going to kill you! (The Mummy puts on Dracula's pants.) I feel it. I feel the power. (Panicking) Draining out of me, oh no!
The Mummy disintegrates into a pile of dust, clumps of hair, and bandages. The pants fall to the ground.
CHRIS: Hooray, the mummy's dead!
JASON: Yeah. What about him?
Wolfman:Eh, we're cool.
Then the pants get up and kick the Wolfman in the nards.
Wolfman:My nards!
The Wolfman keels over and the pants run away.
CHRIS: Holy shit! Did you see that? That was awesome.
JASON: Yeah! But we got to stop those pants.
CHRIS: If I were a pair of killer pants, where would I go?
JASON: Well, those pants don't know their way around the city.
CHRIS: You're right. To the vintage clothing store! (Both run to the vintage clothing store.)
INT. VINTAGE CLOTHING STORE AFTERNOON
CHRIS: Shit, the pants aren't here.
JASON: Why would the pants?
CHRIS: (Interrupts.) I don't know. I just thought. Wait! The guy that sold us the pants.
JASON: Yeah?
CHRIS: He'd know what to do.
JASON: Why?
CHRIS: They're his pants.
JASON: Yeah.(Thinking)Get his name out of the raffle thing.
CHRIS: (Dumps all of the business cards out of the fish bowl and onto the counter.) Which one is he?
JASON: We'll have to call all of them.
CHRIS: But it's ten o'clock. Is that too late?
JASON: Shut up!
CHRIS: (Picks up the phone and dials.) Hello. Dr. Wiener? Dr. Wiener Wiener? This is Ralph's Vintage Clothing. Did you sell us a pair of killer pants? Hello? Hello?
JASON: (Holding up a single card.) Wait, this guy's name is Van Helsing. It's got to be him.
CHRIS: How do you know?
JASON: It says, "Yep, that's me," on it in quotes.
CHRIS: (On the phone.) Van Helsing, we have a situation. Get down to Ralph's Vintage Clothing as fast as you can.
Van Helsing runs into the store, panting.
JASON: Why the hell did you sell us those freaking pants? They've killed three people, a Mummy, came to life, kicked the Wolfman in the nards, ran away, and now they're up to who knows what.
VAN HELSING:: I didn't know.
CHRIS: You didn't know? You're Van Helsing.
VAN HELSING:: No, I'm Doug Van Helsing. I'm Van Helsing's great, great, great, great, grandson. I'm a web designer. I don't know anything about any of this. I was just trying to spice up my life.
JASON: But you took out Dracula.
VAN HELSING:: No, that was Dracula's great, great, great, great grandson- Kevin Dracula. He was a stoner.
JASON: I don't care if it was Flip Dracula the Transexual, you're going to help us get those pants. Now what do we do?
VAN HELSING:: Well, how do you conquer a pair of pants?
Wolfman:With a belt! (Wolfman is holding a belt and he snaps it.)
VAN HELSING, CHRIS, JASON, & WOLFMAN: (All at once.) Wolfman!
Wolfman:That's right. No one kicks me in the nards and gets away with it.
VAN HELSING:: Alright, my Toyota's parked outside.
CHRIS: To the Toyota!
All run to Toyota.
Wolfman:Shotgun!
JASON: Backseat!
INT. TOYOTA DUSK
The street is littered with pantsless dead people. The pants, which have grown to an inseam of sixty-two and a waist of fifty-six, are chasing a man, who they leap at waist first, engulf, and force out pantsless and dead out of their left leg.
Wolfman:Pull up next to the pants.
EXT. STREET DUSK
The Wolfman jumps out of the car onto the pants and rides them like a bull at a rodeo. Some women walk by and a small crowd gathers. Wolfman gets the belt around the pants' waist and ties them tightly. He jumps off and lets them run off into the distance.
Wolfman:Those pants are going to starve now.
VAN HELSING:: I don't think that that's how it works.
CHRIS: Yeah, I'm unsatisfied.
The Wolfman walks over to the Toyota, turns up the radio so that Working for the Weekend by Loverboy starts playing, and pops the trunk to reveal a cooler full of beers. Wolfman starts passing the beers around and a party breaks loose.
Wolfman:Satisfied now?
CHRIS: Yeah!
Wolfman and Chris raise their beers in celebration.
The End