By Ben Kharakh & Ben Crawford
Jim lives in a condo. It’s not very nice and the rent is high, but the plus is that there’s a pool. And after a long day of sweatshop grade labor, it’s nice to take a dip. One night, Jim learns that it’s hard to swim when there’s a mermaid in the pool.
Int. Pool Night
Jim stands on his balcony.
Jim: Are you a real mermaid?
Jim: What are you doing here?
Mermaid: I’m here to lead you on a magical journey of self-discovery.
Jim: Right. (Picks up phone.) Hello, Ripley’s Believe It or Not? I got a mermaid here for ya.
Riply’s: Mermaid, eh?
Jim: Yeah, how much you want for her.
Riply’s: We’ll give you a hundred gazungas.
Jim: That’s slang for breasts.
Riply’s: Take it or leave it.
Jim: Well, is that worth more than normal money?
Riply’s: No, much less. It’s like eight dollars.
Jim: This is a real live mermaid.
Riply’s: What’s it stuffed with?
Jim: It’s not stuffed.
Riply’s: Well, what’s it made out of?
Jim: This is a live one.
Riply’s: Well, we prefer ours stuffed.
Jim: Wait: I can make my own and sell it to you?
Jim: I’ll get back to you with that.
Riply’s: We want that mermaid now! And if you don’t give it to us, we’ll get it ourselves cause we’re Riply’s. Believe it or not.
Jim: Right. (Hangs up phone and calls someone else.) Hello, Circus?
Jim: I have a mermaid for ya.
Circus: A what?
Jim: Part fish.
Circus: We have fish.
Jim: Part woman.
Circus: We have women.
Jim: But this is a fish and a woman at the same time!
Circus: Oh, a freak.
Jim: Yes, a freak.
Circus: We have freaks.
Mermaid: I’m not a freak!
Circus: What was that?
Jim: The mermaid.
Circus: A talking freak! We’ll take it, how much you want?
Jim: Well, Riply’s is offering thirty thousand.
Circus: Oh, that’s a good deal. You better go with them. (Hangs up phone.)
Jim: Damn it. (Goes inside. Phone rings; Jim answers.)
Foreigner: I heard you were in the mermaid business.
Jim: Yep, I got one mermaid.
Foreigner: Is her hair blonde and her eyes green?
Jim: Um, let me check. (Turns around to look at the pool and finds the mermaid gone.) Balls! She’s gone.
Foreigner: We’ve got her.
Foreigner: There were five of us and we got a copter.
Jim: I can’t compete with that, but I hear Ripley’s is offering thirty grand. (Hangs up phone.)