This interview first appeared online on Gothamist.com on August 18th, 2006
Neil Hamburger has been touring the country 365 days out of the year every week for over fifteen years. During that time he’s released seven albums, two DVDs, and made countless fans. He’s been in Amway, made his own brand of fruit cocktail, and performed in Malaysia in front of an audience of non-English speakers. He’d be a household name if it weren’t for his money-sucking ex-wife.
How are you?
We’ve had a few setbacks, but the show keeps on going on. It’s all you can really do.
What sort of setbacks?
Mostly car difficulties, a couple cancellations, and spoiled food. Same old set backs we had last week and the week before that.
What sort of car do you drive when you’re on tour?
It’s dented, let me put it that way. Not one of the ones you’ve seen advertised on the TV. I’ll tell you what, I’ve got an idea for a network that I think I could profit on. Maybe, if you have some money to invest we could do this as a partnership. What I’d like to do is hire somebody, maybe a student or something, to video tape all the car advertisements that you see on TV, archive them all, and then, twenty years later, start a new channel that shows all of these old car advertisements and then people who can only afford twenty year old cars can check out the various features of these cars. What do you think?
Sounds good. It’s like the Home Shopping Network.
But for the poverty stricken. The type of car that I might be buying at the point, like an ’85 Rabbit.
Have you ever bought something off TV?
No, I haven’t. My credit cards have all been seized and that sort of thing. My ex-wife used to spend a lot of time on the Home Shopping Network and bought quite a few of those exercise machines. She was the one that had the real income, so who was I to complain?
Did she buy that belt that works out your abs through electrocution?
I wish she’d buy something that electrocutes. Maybe that’d keep her from taking me to court every couple of weeks.
Are you the one that usually drives the car or have you got someone else with you?
Oh yeah, I have a whole team of drivers. Forty different drivers. Limo guys. No, it’s jus me. I’m the only one there. I sometimes have management with me, but, let’s face it, times are changing. In the old days you’d have a manager who would be by your side, guide your career along, and make sure that when you got to the venue there was a cup of water waiting for you. Now I’m managed by this company that operates completely through automation. I’ve never even met these people. They’re just a series of computer programs. They don’t send anyone on the road with me. They just print out these documents that I’m supposed to put in an envelop along with the money from each night’s show. It’s a cold life. The manager used to sympathies with me after a show didn’t go well or if a booking got canceled, but now it’s these slips of papers that you put in the mail.
What happened to your old manager, Art Huckman?
He stormed off during a show in Malaysia . I guess he felt that I wasn’t putting on a good show. They made a Hollywood movie based on the whole incident. In the movie he went off to be with some local women, but, unfortunately, these movies distort the reality of the situation, which was that he was just upset with me. He went on to run this business in Los Vegas that would sell off the contents of storage lockers when people couldn’t make their payments. He was a broker for that sort of thing. He keeps his hand in show business to an extent. I’ve been trying to get him back, but with no luck. I’m stuck with this Million Dollar Performances outfit. I never talk to anyone there. If I get a call from there it’s just a computerized voice.
A lot of telemarketing is computerized now too.
It’s trickled down to comedy management. I don’t think these people guide my career properly and there’s no one to tell when my career goes well. I’ve been doing these Tomgreen.com Internet broadcasts. I think I’ve done four of them. I put in a call to my management to let them know the good news and I had to leave my voice on some voice recognition system. I guess somebody transcribes these things. There’s no real joy in sharing career highlights with robots.
Was it the robots that had arranged for Morgan Murphy to open for you or was it you who picked her out?
No, that was my idea. Some comedy that would be very good for the audience rather than these degenerate rock and roll bands that usually open the show. They’re just absolutely filthy human beings. It’s as if Pigpen from the old Peanuts cartoon was cloned five times and started playing awful music. I was hoping to do something a little different and bring some class to the bill. It’s going to be a miniature tour in the midst of my full tour, which is going on currently.
What do you usually listen to in the car during long drives?
It’s mostly these thoughts that are bouncing around my head. I just wish there was a volume knob on the side of my head to turn these things down. You’re talking about some depressing sometimes-dismaying thoughts that basically pull any good feelings that you have from the show before right out of you, like an old rug. A lot of self-criticism, theories about what my ex-wife is doing sexually, and thoughts about the success of other comedians. These thoughts just keep bouncing around, getting louder and louder. That’s mainly what I listen to. That, or this little transistor radio I got in a ninety-nine cent only store in Hollywood. It doesn’t work too well, but it’s got those little earphones that are about half the size of a dime that you jam directly into your eardrum. Sometimes I can pick up a station, and that helps block out some of these negative thoughts. The only problem is that the battery runs out on ya. I’m on such a tight leash financially that I can’t afford to keep buying these double a batteries.
Are you able to keep up with current events?
I do, because I need to write these jokes. Let’s face it, some of these young kids don’t get jokes about Anwar Sadat and that sort of thing. You want to keep things up to date and see what’s going on in the world. Sometimes, if you go to these trashcans in the rest areas, you can find some of these USA today papers and that’s where I get a lot of the information. Some of the jokes come directly out of that paper.
People put out their cars at car washes. That’s another good place. They put out their cars and sometimes you find pennies, newspapers, or cassette tapes. One of the favorite cassette tapes that I used to listen when the cassette machine was still working came from one of these car was trashcans. You can find all sorts of things. I found an old blanket that we used for a while. It’s an unheralded resource that you might want to tell your readers about.
Do you have any of the motivational tapes from your days in Amway?
I don’t have any of that any more. That was at a time where I was trying to pick up a few extra dollars and, at that point, I was still married. I had a wife to support, although she had this inheritance. That’s where we were very different people: she could use this inheritance to buy herself nice things and insisted that I use my own money to by myself anything and to pay my share of the rent, food, and all those sort of things. That created some strife. Amway, I thought, would be a good way to pick up some extra money if I did some speeches at their conventions. Eventually I ended up trying to sell some of their products after my shows. I have a merchandise booth set up to sell these Nail Hamburger t-shirts, CDs, and we got a new DVD coming out in about nineteen days. We’ve also got Neil Hamburger patches, in case you want to sow one of these things to your jacket or whatever. At one point, we also had Amway carpet cleaners, shampoos, and dishwasher liquids. For some people, it was convenient to buy a Neil Hamburger CD and also pick up some laundry detergent. Others just thought it was ridiculous and eventually I got caught up on some of the payments with that and the Amway people lost interest in me as a motivational speaker at some of their sales gatherings in Michigan and the Great Lakes area. The whole thing fell apart.
I got in with canned soup people and was selling canned soup at the shows. I got a good deal on that. Then I came up with my own brand of fruit cocktail, Neil Hamburger Brand Fruit Cocktail. We were selling cans of that and doing really well, but the company that was manufacturing this stuff had some problems because they had complaints about the fruit cocktail and they no longer wanted to make it to our specifications. That was the end of that.
What sort of fruit was in it?
Some of the cheaper fruits that we could get and still make a profit. This was a product that we got into a few shops, but we were selling it at shows for the main part. Sometimes I’d sell at truck stops, we had Stuckey’s on board for a while. We had grapes, Maraschino cherries, pineapple, corn, carrots, apples, pear, and a sugar sauce.
Were you personally a fan of this product?
That’s what you have to eat if you’re in this business. You probably talked to some of these more expensive type comedians. I can see why those guys are so happy-go-lucky onstage and laughing along at their own jokes. When you’ve got a million dollars in the bank you can afford to do that. When you’re out here struggling and, you know, I’m not playing the nicest clubs. Some of these places are real filth holes, some of these comedy club owners are real filth hole people, and some of the other comedians you encounter on the road aren’t so nice either. You have to keep your optimism up and the only way you can do that is through a good diet. I stopped eating a lot of the junk food that was killing me some years ago after a series of ulcers. The ulcers were eating through the stomach lining and into the spinal column. They were eating into up my skin. I had blotches and flakes. I was put on a bland diet. I ate a lot of bread and that sort of thing, but that wasn’t helping until I switched to the fruit cocktail. It was the best of any brand. You’ve got your fruit group, the sugars that you need to keep you going, carbohydrates, which were in the maraschino cherries, vegetables, and the protein in some of these fruits. There’s trace amounts of protein in the whole thing. It keeps you going and you never get sick if that’s all you eat. It’s when you start slipping and eating all of these Mounds, Almond Joys, and that sort of thing that you have end up having to get your leg amputated from God knows what. I’d recommend this for weight loss too.
What do you think of 7-11′s P’EatZZa™ sandwich? It’s two slices of cold pizza, cold cuts, and lettuce.
That’s some that A, I can’t afford, and B, would bring back all of these ulcers. I do eat at 7-11 occasionally, but that’s just to get the fruit cocktail from them. The best thing to do is to get a case of this stuff and keep it in the trunk of your car. That way, you don’t have to keep looking for it. I used to waste an hour a day going to supermarkets to compare prices and trying to get the best price for a can of this stuff. Now I just carry a case of this stuff in the trunk and a good solid can opener. I can literally eat it while I’m driving. Sometimes I’ll treat myself. Some of my fans are the best people you’ll ever meet. They slip me ten-dollar gift certificates for the Olive Garden.
Mainly, I stick to the regimen. I don’t have time for a pizza sandwich. That sounds like something you’d use as a prop in a show. You step on that thing and slide half way across the stage, break your collarbone, and the crowd goes wild.
Another thing on the market is a cheeseburger that uses Krispy Kreme doughnuts instead of buns.
I’ve heard about that one too. It’s something I’d like to give a chance, but, with some of my health problems, I’m pretty fragile physically and emotionally. You get on a routine and eat something like that and, enticing as it is, you’ll end up crying in the corner of the room scratching at the walls. You got to watch out for that. There are obviously a lot of chemicals in that thing to make it good. What is it really? It’s just a big blob of flour, some color, and maybe some dirt for fiber. It’s not really something you’d want to eat, unless you’re an ant.
With all of the driving that you do, have you had your fair share of road kill?
No, I’ve been pretty good about avoiding those things. The front bumper on my car is gone. It was stolen in New York City. I think these hip-hop bands wear these things around their necks as some sort of status symbol. If I hit one of these animals it’s going to go through the radiator and into my lap. I’m a pretty careful driver. If you’re going to be driving seven hundred miles a day on average for fifteen years, you’re going to get pretty good.
We’ve had a few fender benders and that sort of thing. So many flat tires I can’t even tell you. We but a lot of these re-treaded tires and we’re trying to re-think that. It’s certainly cheap, but they don’t last. I got some tires in my recent shows in the San Diego area. I found this place and got some 1995 tires and filled the passenger side seat of my car with these things. I used to use that as a place to sleep, but I managed to get some of these Styrofoam from these computer boxes and lie across them. There’s sort of a well you’re sinking into. I’ve got thing going and the tires in the back seat. I bought eight of these things. I’m tired of breaking down in the middle of nowhere with no tire. Then I get charged $89.99 for a tire. Those people can go to hell. I’m covered for the next eight flat tires. I’ve got an old air pump to pump these things up. Really, this act is just getting better and better. We don’t have the RV full of assholes that Dave Cook travels around in, but maybe some day.
I’d like to get your opinion on many of the hot button issues of the day. What do you think of global warming?
It’s pretty hot, I’ll tell you that. I woke up this morning in a sweat. To me, that’s a sign that something’s gone wrong around here. I’ve been trying to make a difference. I’ve brushed my teeth a lot less and that type of thing. I stole a plastic cup from one of these venues and now I use that to drink water out of. You fill it up at the sink of one of these service stations rather than buying expensive bottled water, which is depleting the planet of water. Crystal Geyser, Perrier, and people like that should be ashamed that they’re scooping this water out of the streams and adding to the pollution. I just fill my cup with the water that you get out of these sinks. Anything you can do to help I think you have to do. I’d gladly give some money to help out. I don’t a refrigerator, so I’m not creating a problem that way. I don’t smoke cigarettes and I’m not one of these guys that’s littering all over Antarctica, the North Pole, and that type of thing. I tend to throw the trash in the back seat of my car and get on with the day. There are little things you can do that’ll make a real difference. And you should because, let’s face it, last winter I nearly froze to death sleeping in my car. This summer, I’m waking up and the heat from my body and the air melted the Styrofoam and I had to get another piece. The winters are getting colder, the summers are getting hotter, and everything’s out of control. It’s a matter of time before we’re all dead and that’s not something you want to put on your resume.
How would you have helped the victims of Hurricane Katrina?
I’d probably stop it from happening, if I had the opportunity. Put a brick wall or something to keep them from being hit by it. I’d do a benefit show for them if anyone asked, but, of course no one does ask. Getting these shows is getting tougher and tougher. We keep busy, but we’re trying to book these shows for 2010 and they all have this wait and see attitude. We need to book it in advance because you’ve got these up and comers coming and if you don’t lock in the dates one these young guys is going to come out there with his swagger and take these dates. While there’s a little bit of a spotlight I’d like to get these dates locked up. I’d like to get them locked up through the rest of my life so I don’t have to worry about one of these bleak retirements where you’re eating wallpaper paste.
There are some people that are predicting that the end times are nearing. What do you think of that?
Have you seen my show lately? I’ll tell you what, it sure feels like the end is near. It feels like an apocalypse every time I take the stage. Things are getting worse for me. The crowds aren’t as responsive. A lot of these people are suffering from their own problems. Drug addiction is a lot of it, unemployment, and that type of thing. They come out with a chip on your shoulder and all you can do is keep plugging away. It’s not like when the end times come we’re going to instantly die. We’re all going to have to live through them. They suck half these people off to Hell and the rest of them are stuck here on Earth, which, in a way, is worse than Hell. We have to keep telling our jokes and keep an income coming in. As far as I know, I died and went to Hell a few years ago anyway. I have to spend the day driving around in my horrible car and doing these shows. Some of these shows are the worst things that I can think of. You talk about a Chinese water torture. I’m doing a show in this Chinese restaurant four nights ago and drinking the water that they served, that was a Chinese water torture. Performing before three people who really wanted me to leave. Here, I’ve been on television. You think that’s going to help your career? That’s not going to help anybody’s career. You do these TV shows and the next night you’re performing at a club where they pass around an empty bottle to pay you.
Nothing seems to help, really. Some of these guys are doing well. Larry the Cable Guy, do you remember him? Want to know my theory on him? He’s making all of his money doing the cable work, installing the cable. That’s a regular paycheck. You get onstage you’re not getting anything. I don’t care who you are. Dave Cook , or who ever that guy is that travels around with those asshole comedians. They’re selling out all of these places. I guess that’s a good life, but who knows what problems he has mentally and emotionally that’ll catch up with him one day. And, hopefully when it does, some of this money will filter down to folks like myself, Morgan Murphy , who’s on the bill, or some of the other great acts that I tour with who need a little TLC from time to time instead of all of this misery we’re going through.
With all of these dooms day type scenarios going around, what sort of role do you think you would play if we were in a Mad Max type situation?
Hopefully I could get some sort of job washing some of these cars. These guys in these futuristic Mad Max type vehicles, they’ve got to keep their image up. They can’t be driving around with soot, smog, and all that all over the thing. You get a bucket, a rag, some dishwashing liquid, and you could clean these cars and get some money. I’ve thought of moving into this. I’ve said this many times, but I’m seriously thinking of doing some car washing before my shows. Let’s face it, the money I get from performing all goes to my management, a percentage of that goes to my ex-wife, and my attorneys. But, if I were washing cars, they wouldn’t know anything about it. I do think some of the things would appreciate their cars getting washed professionally by their favorite comedian, Neil Hamburger. While the opening act is going on I could be selling tickets at a dollar apiece in the parking lot to have your car washed. I wash these cars in the opening act, do a good job, and then go onstage and do my thing. That money goes to the management and I keep the carwash money. I do think I could make some real good money. Let’s face it, if you have seventy-five people at a show who are Neil Hamburger fans who’s cars needed a wash, I’d say at least half of those would probably hire me to wash the cars at a dollar a wash. That’s thirty-seven dollars in my pocket and that’s a better quality of life, I’ll tell you that much. A couple nights of that and you can buy yourself a motel room or something to eat.
What do you think of Mel Gibson’s current situation?
I think he’s probably guilty of these things. The man was clearly drunk when he made that film about Jesus. It was like a bad drunken hallucination, that thing. I much prefer Jesus Christ Super Star and some of the more accurate retellings of the story. I think he’ll probably get away with it too. Here’s a guy that’s got thousands of dollars in the bank and he can get a good lawyer, not one of these TV lawyers I’ve fell for with the eight hundred numbers. I wouldn’t worry about him. He’ll probably survive it. If it had been me, boy, I wouldn’t be doing this interview because I wouldn’t have the twenty cents to make a jailhouse phone call.
With all of your courtroom experience, do you think you’re at the level where you could defend yourself?
I think it’s going to come to that. I don’t know if I’ll do a good job. None of these lawyers have ever won a case for me and we’ve been to court quite a few times. When you have a zero percentage on something like that with these guys that have their own eight hundred number I don’t see how a guy like me could do any better. I’ll let you know. If you’re going to be at this number, I’ll let you know in a couple of weeks because we do have another case coming up. I would say doubtful.
Do you think that because of global warming we should start looking into space exploration?
Yeah, if we can do shows out there and make some money. Some of these space station shows. They used to have shows at airport lounges, but you don’t see that anymore. They got the big screen TV that shows football games and what have you and now the guy that used to tell the jokes at the airport lounge is out on the street. I think a space transfer station would be a great place to set up a little comedy type club. You could get a pianist open the night, then have a comedian, and then have the piano guy come out and do a couple more songs and you got a great night out. I am looking into space exploration as a means of earning an income and avoiding further financial woes.
I heard that a lot of times when astronauts come back from space they turn into astrojerks or jerkstronauts. They’re always gloating about being in space, like, “Oh, I’ve been to space, I don’t need to talk to you.” Do you think that’ll be a problem if everyone’s going up there?
Gosh, I didn’t think about that. It could create a whole generation of assholes- asstroholes. You meet a lot of those people anyway if you work with these rock and roll bands. These guys just get off the stage and think they’re the cock of the walk. A little bit of spotlight on them and they think they’re cock of the world. Imagine sending these guys into space. Geez. It’s not going to make it a good world to live in for guys like you and me. Old school guys. Old fashioned sort of people who like to keep to ourselves. I don’t toot my horn about my accomplishments one bit. Of course, that’s because my accomplishments aren’t really much.
Also, a lot of people would be making jokes like, “I’ve been to Uranus.”
Yeah, exactly, you’d have that and, well, that’s a joke I might use, actually. Thank you for that tip. If I were to get a show in a space station in Uranus or something that’d be a good opening line.
When you were growing up, did you ever think that you’d like to be an astronaut?
Yeah, it was, because that was a high paying job and I was afraid I’d gravitate more toward a low paying job, which is just what I did.
Had you ever thought of being President?
I did, but, let’s face it, I couldn’t get the votes. I tried running when I was twelve-years-old. I put some posters up in a Laundromat. And nothing happened with that, so I’m not going to make a second run, although I do think my profile is higher than it was then. Some of these TV shows, and night after night onstage, but running for president requires buttons, banners, and I’m not really at the point where I can print that stuff out unless I’m selling it. We do sell buttons from time to time, but that’s selling them. These guys that run for president are giving them away. That’s out of the realm of my possibilities
Doug Stanhope is running for President in 2008.
I’d probably vote for him. The problem is, I’m not in town and can’t get to the ballot box from the road. They have an absentee ballot, but I don’t have a stamp. If someone wants to give me a stamp, they’ve got my vote. Mr. Stanhope’s a great guy. I’d vote for him for King of the World, but there’s no election for that, you know.
Have you thought of doing the Fringe Festival in Edinburgh?
I’m always thinking about any sort of paying gig, but thinking about it and having them invite you is a totally different thing. I’m thinking about going to The White House this afternoon for some tea, but I’ll have more of this fruit cocktail instead. People eat in these fancy restaurants: Denny’s, Whataburger, and that type of thing. I can’t afford it at this point, but there’s nothing that can stop you from saying, “I want to eat at Denny’s today,” and pulling into their parking lot just like anyone else and eating the food in their parking lot. “And for dinner, I feel like going to the Sizzler,” then you do the same thing: pull into their parking lot and have your fruit cocktail. That way, when I ask where you ate, you can say, “I ate at Denny’s and the Sizzler.” Well, you’re living well Mr. Hamburger. That’s right, I am. You gotta use the old brain sometimes to increase the quality of life.
What do you use to stay up when you have to drive late at night?
Sometimes the thoughts are screaming in the brain and that’ll keep you up, believe me. It’ll keep you up like nothing else. You have a bad show and think about the things and the things that they say to you afterwards. That’ll eat away at you for a couple of hours. Sometimes I try to get Red Bull. I’m trying to get an endorsement deal from those guys. That’ll keep you awake and save your life. Occasionally, I’ll swipe one of these cans from a bar when no one’s looking. They’re pretty small.
Do you do any sightseeing once you get to the venue?
I don’t really like to see most of the sights in these venues. It’s kind of better if you don’t look around and get to the stage right away. If you look at the bathrooms and that sort of thing it’s going to be so disgusting that you’re going to start second guessing why you do this sort of thing in the first place. It’s best just to walk right on the stage without giving the pace a second look. Also, the more of the sight seeing you do the more people you might encounter and, let’s face it, some of the people that come to these shows are insane. They’ll really rip your heart out if you can. We do have some good fans. We have some good hometown people that come out. I had a guy that brought a packet of Fritos corn chips the other day and just gave it to me as a gift. I really appreciated that. I could always use stamps. Anyone who has stamps that wants to come out A girl slipped me a five-dollar bill the other day, if you can believe that, in North Carolina. She said, “Here you go, Neil. Buy yourself something,” and that was nice.
If anyone’s reading your newspaper, tell them to bring me something that makes it worthwhile. I’m not much on the shows themselves. Have you ever gone to one of these topless types of nightclubs, with the women?
Back when I had a couple of good shows with Guided by Voices and was paid good money, I went to one of these things afterward. Those girls don’t get paid anything. They work strictly for tips. And that’s how it is with me. There’s money being generated, but it’s going to someone else. The tips make a difference. You can give to the Diabetes Association, but why not give it to me instead?
Do you get any downtime?
There’s no downtime. You hit the road and get to the next show.
Do you get to see movies or watch TV?
Sometimes I get a hotel. Not every time, but if I’m touring with one of these rock and roll bands. They pay a little bit better and get a hotel. I go on Priceline. I do see some of the movies that come on television, cable TV, and that type of thing. There’s a theater in Los Angeles with two dollar tickets, but most of them aren’t as good as anything you and I could make, so it just eats at you even more. When you’re watching these films, you’re not really laughing, no one really laughing, and you just feel depressed. Have you seen The Benchwarmers? About these idiot baseball guys.
No, that didn’t look very good.
That wasn’t too good. I saw that one and it wasn’t a real good way to spend an afternoon, but my car broke down and it was Mississippi in this little town. They were going to work on the car and they said, “Mr. Hamburger, it’s going to be five or six hours until this thing is ready. You can sit in the lobby and read two year old Newsweeks or you can go across the street to this mall and catch a movie.” We had a bit of money. That was a good time. I was making a hundred dollars a show opening for one of these rock and roll bands. Of course, most of the money went into fixing this fan belt that snapped and broke a lot of things on the way, but I did have three dollars to catch The Benchwarmers. I could have helped that movie out. You got people in it that are acting in it that are bad, there’s no story, and people were crying in the theater. There were agitated kids in tears.
We had a script that we put together for a Neil Hamburger movie and we shopped this out to anyone that would listen. We gave one to the mechanic in Mississippi even. You get a few people to throw some money in the pot, make this film, and give them money back and, hey, they might make a profit on the way. That’s what we’re aiming to do. I think we could make a better product than The Benchwarmers, but I could be wrong. If you got some money to spare, we could use it to put this thing together. It’d help my career, help the careers of these investors, and get off the road. If you make a movie, you’re not on the road all the time. And that would be nice.
Do you think that if you no longer had to go on the road that you’d still choose to go on the road?
That’s like saying, “If you had fourteen legs, would you become an Olympic runner?” You’re talking about things outside the realm of possibility, so there’s no reason to think about these things.
What do you like to do after a performance?
I generally don’t have a choice. It’s not what I like to do it’s what I have to do, which is get to the next show. If you’ve got a lot of driving the next day, you might drive a couple of hours afterward just to get a head start. Or you can drive to a rest area or parking lot where you can get some sleep. The Days Inn often has parking lot where so many of their clientele have beat up old cars that they won’t notice if another one pulls in. And they’re not going to notice me sleeping in the car unless they peer into the window. You can’t sleep anywhere or you’ll get arrested for loitering or vagrancy. You got to find a place that no one will notice and then you can get that sleep.
Have you thought of documenting your travels in the way Dave Cook has?
I’d like to document it the way he does by making it into a big money making television show. I’ve thought of doing a lot of things the way he does. Like collecting a big fat pay checks for putting on substandard performances where your heart’s not in it and telling jokes that really shouldn’t be told but they’re all you’ve got so you tell them anyway. The difference is I’m not making any money, I don’t have a TV series, and I don’t have a camera guy following me around every time I’m sitting the on toilet.
Is this new Neil Hamburger Myspacethe official one?
It is. Everyone says that this is the way to make your career to really take off. People throw coins at me and I save them and use these coin-operated computers at the truck stop. I try to add more friends and answer all the requests, but, let’s face it, I don’t have the time to really get into the Myspace world. Is there another impostor? We had a guy on there date raping women and doing all kinds of things using my name and squandering all the good will that I’ve built up. Is there another one?
I think this is your official one. It says that it’s real, but that’s also something a fake one would say.
The one that we have is called The Real Neil Hamburger, to keep things real, as they say in the hip-hop community.
Well, that’s the end of the interview.
I pity the poor man that has to transcribe this. Then again, you may not be transcribing it at all. You could hang up the phone, call up Mr. Dave Cook , and then record over what I just said. It wouldn’t be the first time.
He might be too loud and pop one of my eardrums.
You don’t want that because then your whole career as a guy who does interviews is over. You’d end up doing something like car washes, fast food, or comedy.