Former Vice President Patton Oswalt discusses his time in office.
When did you develop an interest in comedy?
Two days after my Comedy Central One Hour Special premiered.
What were you like in school?
A beautiful Indonesian girl.
Is school something that you enjoyed?
I dropped out in the third grade, but had a great
three year-run. Lots of pussy.
What sort of aspirations did you have as a
Cement truck driver.
Is television something that impacted you greatly growing up?
Watching the Lincoln assassination live on television was a huge turning point for me.
Were you incorporating humor into your daily routine in school and college?
My daily routine included a 15-mile run and 600 sit-ups, so there was no time for humor.
Were you in some sort of comedy troupe in college?
I was the lead singer for the Bangles. I don’t know it that counts.
What did you study in college?
Arabic and sports trivia.
When did you decide to do standup?
When the Denver Broncos cut me after I blew out my knee in a scrimmage game at training camp.
What inspired you to perform?
A small bluebird that landed on my shoulder when I was hitchhiking home from a Howard Jones concert.
Do you remember the sort of material that you did?
No, but I have photographs. I use them to pass the time on long train journeys.
How has your material changed over time?
A lot less crying after I get a laugh for saying something racist.
How long was it before you moved up to middling or emceeing?
I started middling immediately. Then, three years later, I was emceeing.
What were the next several years like for you?
A maelstrom of intrigue and confusion; followed by a lot of dick jokes.
In your experience, what are some of the best places to do open mics?
Loading bays at Walmarts.
What were you doing to support yourself financially at the time?
I was the Vice President of the United States.
What changes have you noticed in comedy since you’ve gotten involved?
Do you think that comedians are taking full advantage of the Internet?
Only the hot Asian teens.
What are some misconceptions about standup that you’d like to clear up?
We are paid in Confederate scrip.
What are the differences between you onstage and off?
Off-stage, I’m wearing a shirt.
What sort of venues do you prefer to perform in?
The kind where people laugh and I’m paid after the show.
How do you feel about college shows?
Bashful and nauseous.
Do you notice that comedian, among young people, is a career on the same level as rock star, President, or astronaut?
It falls somewhere between honey dipper and ranch hand.
How do you deal with being recognized by fans?
They all think I’m Treat Williams, so I just go with that.
When people exclaim Patton! Do you think that musician Mike Patton is near by?
I always hope so, and I’m always let down.
Magazine-wise, why do you think that comedy doesn’t get the same sort of attention as music, gardening, or cigars?
It’s not as funny as gardening.
How did you get involved with writing for Mad TV?
I lost a wager with Della Reese.
How was that experience?
Sadness dipped in money.
What advice can you offer to those that have aspirations to write for television?
Try to find a way to kill your heart before you submit material.
Tell me about your role in Amazing Screw-on Head.
I do the voice of Mr. Groin, an old British man. So I’ve come full-circle.
How did the Comedians of Comedy come to be?
Again, a lost wager with Della Reese.
Will the film be available from retailers to
buy in the future?
Yes, on the Netflix site.
How about the TV show?
I hope. No plans yet, but I’m hoping. Too early to say.
Brian and Zach have beards. Were you tempted to grow one of your own?
I can’t because of a torch mishap.
Have you ever had a beard?
I’m not going to insult you by writing, “Besides my wife, no.”
How do you feel about the abundance of films that are adaptations of TV shows, video games, and comic books?
Happy, sleepy and grumpy.
What do you think of a side-scrolling version of Contra: The Movie?
Let’s see what Oliver Stone thinks of that.
How do you feel about Space Ghost?
What’s the opposite of “boo”?
Do you think that humor in commercials helps move product?
Not as much as dancing pigs.
How do you feel about your CD being traded on file sharing networks?
My wallet feels lonely.
What projects are you involved in?
Too early and vague to talk about now.
*What projects are you contemplating?
Do you enjoy being an adult?
I love the diapers.
Do you partake in any sort of shenanigans when out and about?
It’s pretty much all capers and monkeyshines. No shenanigans.
What do you keep in your house to protect yourself in case of a break in?
Are there any rumors about yourself that you’d like to start or dispel?
Yes, both involving a jet ski, Martin Landau, and Belgium.
Do you have a special message to leave our readers with?
It was as painful for me as it was for you.
I didn’t know how to broach the subject of your time in office, but you’ve done it for me and I have some questions. When you first set out to become Vice President, you faced some flak for your past. How did you overcome such adversity?
Oh, I get it. You’re treating my throwaway joke about being the Vice President as if it were real, and trying to mine this thin, empty vein for gold.
How do you respond to critics that say that your administration will go down as one of the most corrupt, inept, and scintillating?
Wow, this just gets funnier and funnier. I hope there’s at least eight
more questions in this pointless sidebar.
How many times did you try to kill the president and how? Remember, you are under oath.
Well, there’s one.
What was the logic behind your campaign to veto the Declaration of Independence?
Oh my God, you’re really serious about this. Did you think this was worth ten more questions? Holy shit, you did.
Few people know that you moved the Canadian/American border three miles North. How did that come about?
This is painful.
I read that you wanted to change the American National Anthem, but to what I could not find. What were your nominations?
Baby Jesus, please kill me.
Rumor has it that you exhumed the body of Thomas Jefferson and had it fed to you intravenously over the course of six months. How do you respond to such allegations?
I’m walking away from you now.
It is a fact that each administration wages a secret war. What was yours, what role did you play, and did you win?
Where are the best places in the White House to stash booze?
(Yelling from across the room) Are you still talking over there?
What do you want your term to be remembered for?
(Walks further away)
Visit pattonoswalt.com to see what Patton’s up to and if he’s coming to a venue near you.