Benkharakh.com

By Ben Kharakh

Me: Thank you for taking the time to speak with me.

Mugabe: It's no problem at all.

Me: Well, my first question is: Will you resign?

Mugabe: No, I am the chosen leader of these people! I don't want to ignore the will of the people. That would be oppressive and I hate oppression. I hate how the Fascists in World War 2 wrote propaganda to deceive their people and wrote anti-Semitism into the math problems of children so that they would grow to hate Jews. I despise that sort of behavior.

Mugabe (Begins to get excited.): Jews have it so rough, and that's not even considering the Holocaust. I can't believe some people think the Holocaust never happened. That's so crazy! And the Gays, euch. They have got it so rough, even in America it is tough to be gay! I mean, "Gay" is used by children to casually mean that which is most lame. Awful!

Me: Mr. Mugabe.

Mugabe (Talking with more fervor.): And women have it bad too. They are surrounded by magazines with Photoshoped models on their covers who have their pores and blemishes airbrushed off. And these are supposed to be advertisements for make up! They contradict the point of the make up. What's the point of make up if you've air brushed off everything you might cover up. Your country's people are so crazy!

Me: Mr. Mugabe?

Mugabe (Ranting passionately!): And your president! Don't get me started on him. He says, "The terrorists hate our freedom," and then goes and tries to plant freedom in the backyard of the terrorists. And then he passes a bill that lets him torture prisoners, allows him to spy on you through your phone, Internet, and even your library card, and then he says he's doing it to protect you're freedom and basic human rights. Don't you see, Michele Foucault was right! Institutions use the idea of human rights to maintain power in spite of the best interest of the people.

(Out of breath)

Me: President Mugabe.

Mugabe: Sorry for rambling.

Me: That's perfectly okay. But to get back on subject, do you plan to let you're people vote?

Mugabe: Of course. It's just if they vote for the other guy, I'll kill them.

Me: That sounds sort of like a fake election. Why have it at all?

Mugabe: Knowing the opposition makes them easier to kill, duh.
Me: Well, that's all I needed to know. Thanks for taking the time to speak with me.

Mugabe: No problem. Send me a link to this when it goes up.