Detective Who Thinks Satan’s Behind Every Crime

Int. Apartment- Night

LIGHTS UP:

Detectives MCNULTY and BUNK are at the scene of a crime. It’s a messy apartment, with two dead bodies amongst discarded fast food wrappers, drug paraphernalia, video game accouterments, etc.

BUNK crouches near a coffee table dusted with white powder.

MCNULTY

You know Rick Ross isn’t his real name?

BUNK

Hmmm?

MCNULTY

The rapper. He’s named after a big, 80′s coke dealer.

BUNK examins the front door.

BUNK

I didn’t know there was even a rapper.

MCNULTY

Nose to the books in the academy, right?

BUNK more closely inspects one of the victims.

BUNK

Yeah.

MCNULTY

Well, let’s see what that rookie brain can do.

BUNK

Door’s not kicked in. And it didn’t look like anyone came through the back. So they either let in the crook or they already had a key. But why kill if you’re just here to rob?

MCNULTY

Smart question.

Bunk

Yeah, I’ve seen this sort of thing before. It’s the devil’s work.

McNulty

That it is.

Bunk

(speaking into his walkie-talkie)

Calling in an APP on Satan. AKA the cloven-hooved one AKA Lucifer AKA–

McNulty

Hold it.

Bunk

Do you sense His presence?

McNulty

No. You’re kidding, right?

Bunk

Kidding?! The Devil is no joke. His greatest feat is convincing the world he doesn’t exist.

MCNULTY

So, what, you gonna dust for hoof prints?

BUNK

Why bother? Satan’s prints are all over the crime scene.

Bunk gets up and starts pointing.

BUNK

Drugs? Devil’s work. Murder? Devil’s work. Adultery? Devil’s work.

MCNULTY

Adultery?

Bunk approaches a body.

BUNK

Wedding ring. Porn. You do the math.

MCNULTY

You’ve got to be kidding me.

Bunk gets right up in McNulty’s face.

BUNK

Don’t you see: they’re just pawns in the Devil’s game.

MCNULTY

And you’re suggesting what?

Bunk backs off and paces the room.

BUNK

Prayer, legislative changes, tracts.

MCNULTY

Tracts?

BUNK

Leaflets, little comics– warnings of the forthcoming Judgment.

MCNULTY

Ugh…we should get back to work. Probably put our ears to the street and see if anyone put out a hit on these guys.

BUNK

Don’t you get it?! Satan puts out every hit. He’s everywhere, lurking behind every choice you make. He’s even in the room right now trying to get me to jerk off and shoot you!

McNulty backs away.

MCNULTY

Alright, no one needs to get shot. I’ll leave the room if you want to jerk off–

BUNK

No, you’re the devil!

Bunk pulls out his gun.

MCNULTY

Okay, calm down. No one here’s the devil.

Bunk

Then why are you telling me to jerk off, demon?!

MCNULTY

No one’s telling you to jerk off! I’m just saying jerking off isn’t a sin.