The Cattle Rustler
By Ben Kharakh
THE CATTLE RUSTLER
A SHORT FILM BY BEN KHARAKH
EXT. PARKING LOT DAY
An overweight man is walking through a crowded parking lot on a hot day. Perspiration is visible on his shirt. He is nearly hit by an SUV backing out of its parking space. Undeterred, he enters a large Target.
INT. TARGET DAY
He walks as briskly as he can toward the automotive department. He stops in front of a rack and scans it until he finds the item he wants: Carjóñés, which are a pair of plastic balls that can be attached to the rear of one's car in order to create the impression that one's car has balls.
CLOSE UP: BALLS
V.O: The sound of an overweight man breathing heavily.
The balls are selling for $20 per package and there are six remaining after the man grabs his. He quickly walks to the cashier.
Cashier: Cash, credit, or debit?
Man: Cash.
He reaches into his wallet and discovers that he's out of cash.
Man: Actually, I'd like to pay debit.
Cashier: Just swipe your card and enter your pin number.
The man pays for his balls and exits the Target. He passes a trashcan and confidently throws away his receipt.
EXT. PARKING LOT DAY
The man is attaching the Carjóñés to his car. He then gets into his car and drives out of the parking lot.
EXT. ROAD DAY
POV from the perspective of a nearby passenger who sees that he is surrounded by cars of various types that appear to have balls growing from their bumpers.
ZOOM OUT to reveal that his is the only car that doesn't have balls on its bumper. The car pulls into the Target's parking lot.
EXT. PARKING LOT DAY
The passenger, who is a thin man, runs through the parking lot and into the Target.
INT. TARGET DAY
The thin man runs toward the automotive section but discovers that all the Carjóñés are gone. He approaches two Target employees.
Thin Man: Do you have anymore of those plastic balls that make your car look like it has balls?
Target Employee #1: Sorry, we're fresh out, but we should be getting some more soon.
Target Employee #2: Yeah, those things are really sellin' like balls. That's what we say now on account of how well balls sell, as apposed to, say, hot cakes, which actually aren't selling too hot now-a-days.
INT. OFFICE DAY
Kevin Shakes is sitting in his office. Forms, charts, and graphs are strewn all over the floor and the table. A knock comes at the door and his assistant, James, enters.
Assistant: Sir, we just sold our one-millionth unit.
Kevin just sits and stares at a picture of dusty farmhouse on his desk.
ZOOM IN: FARM HOUSE
V.O: Yelling, mooing, and a crack of thunder. The intro to The Who's "Love, Reign O'er Me" begins to play.
ZOOM IN: Window, revealing a sparsely decorated and dusty living room in which Kevin and his mother are arguing.
Mother: You're going to be a cattle rustler just like me, my mother before me, her mother before her, and her mother was back in the old country and so on back from when we spilled forth from God's womb.
Kevin: I don't want to rustle cattle. I want to rustle people! I want to make a difference in this world.
Mother: You don't have the balls!
Kevin, red faced, runs out the door.
EXT. FARM CLOUDY SKIES
Kevin is running through the field of cows as a deluge begins. The grass absorbs the water and Kevin slips, falling face down into mud. He slowly lifts his head.
POV from Kevin's perspective: a cow in front of him with its balls hanging low between its legs. Slightly off in the distance is a truck situated in such a way that it looks like the cow's balls are growing from its bumper.
ZOOM OUT: to reveal Kevin on his knees, muddy, and clutching grass is his fists.
Kevin: Balls!
The chorus of "Love, Reign O'er Me" swells and Kevin laughs, catching rain in his mouth.
INT. BASEMENT NIGHT
Kevin is wearing the garb of the blacksmith, pounding a crude pair of iron testicles and then dipping them into a vat of water to cool.
INT. CONVENTION CENTER
Kevin is standing in front of a table with a banner that proclaims "Carjóñés!" He is trying to attract investors.
Man 1 (Mockingly): Carjóñés? What's next, the Cargina?
Man 2 (Earnestly): Forget the Cargina! I'm inventing a box that you put on your bumper that releases fake poo so that it looks like your car went to the bathroom while driving.
Man 3 (Earnestly): You're both crazy; I'm giving this guy my money!
EXT. FARM HOUSE DAY
Kevin is carrying a crate of balls to his car. His mother is standing at the door.
Mother: You don't have the balls to sell balls!
EXT. HOUSE. DAY
Kevin rings the doorbell of a house. A man answers.
Kevin: Hi, my name is Kevin. I noticed that you've got a pretty nice car out in the driveway. But you know what would make it even nicer? Carjóñés!
Kevin holds two plastic balls at chest height followed by a series of doors being slammed in his face.
INT. BAR MIDDAY
Kevin is sitting at the bar, nursing a whisky.
Kevin: I spent the whole morning going door-to-door and I didn't sell a thing.
Biker: Selling's tough. You either got it or you don't. And I can tell ya real quick whether you got it or not.
Kevin: How?
Biker: Just answer this one question: how big are your balls?
Kevin: What?
Biker: If you're gonna sell stuff, the first thing you have to sell is yourself and the first customer has got to be you. Are you gonna want someone with big balls or little ones? If you got little balls, you're always gonna know your balls are little and you're always gonna be scared as shit. But if your balls are big, then you're gonna know that no matter what happens you still got big balls and the only person who can take them away from you is someone with bigger balls. But if his balls are so big that he can take your balls, then, you know what? He deserves those balls. And I ain't talkin' metaphorically either.
Kevin: Other than showing them to someone, how will people know how big your balls are?
Biker: Your actions. The bigger your balls, the bigger your actions. George Washington, big balls. Ghandhi, big balls. The Macho Man Randy Savage? Big Balls! You show someone that you got big balls and they'll remember you forever.
Kevin: My momma's got some big balls. She raised me and runs a farm all by herself.
Biker: No one but you'se ever gonna know how big her balls are unless she shows 'em to the world.
The biker chugs the rest of a beer and leaves to use the restroom.
Bartender: Hey, just so you know: guys with really big balls don't beat up on guys with small balls; they treat 'em nice and help 'em out when they need it.
Kevin continues nursing his whisky.
Bartender: What are you selling, anyway?
Kevin: It's an invention of mine. It's these balls that you put on your bike, car, or truck and they make it look like your car has balls.
Man 1: Make it look like your car has balls?!
The patrons, including a biker with his pants around his ankles, leap over chairs, tables, and each other to get to Kevin and his balls. They surround him and shove money into his face. Kevin smiles, indicating that he's got an idea.
INT. FISHING AND HUNTING SUPPLY STORE. DAY
Kevin sheepishly approaches the cashier.
Kevin: Hi, I was wondering if you might be interested in carrying this product. They're balls that you put on your car to make it look like your car has balls.
Everyone in the store lunges at Kevin, including the cashier and a patron with his pants around his ankles. They knock over products and each other, surrounding him and shoving money in his face.
INT. HARDWARE STORE DAY
Kevin approaches the manager, who is sorting screws, bolts, and nails into tiny drawers.
Kevin: I'm selling these balls that you put on your car to make it look like it has balls…
A man bursts through the wall, impaling the manager with hundreds of nails. Regardless, the manager joins the man in offering Kevin handfuls of cash.
INT. AUTO SUPPLY SHOP DAY
Kevin enters the store with a box.
Kevin: I got balls for your cars!
He dumps the box on the floor, with balls rolling down aisles and under displays. All of the customers and staff knock one another over to get a pair and to shove money into Kevin's face.
A series of newspaper headlines fill the screen: Jock's Itch: Entrepreneur Opens Factory; Great Balls of Fire: Factory Catches Fire; Balls Across America: Local Entrepreneur Moves Out of Town
INT. OFFICE PRESENT DAY
Assistant: Did you hear that, sir? I said we just sold our one-millionth unit.
Kevin: Ready the jet.
EXT. RUNWAY DAY
A plane is taking off. It has large plastic balls on its tail that make it look like the plane has balls.
EXT. FARM HOUSE DAY
Kevin knocks on the door. His mother answers and is wearing a shirt that says, "I had a son and all I got was this lousy shirt."
Kevin: You said I didn't have the balls, but I do now. One million of them.
Mother: Where are they?
Kevin: I sold them all.
Mother: Looks like you've got no balls then.
Kevin: That's fine. I'm opening a new factory in town to make more.
His mother looks him up and down and sighs.
Mother: Despite what this shirt may say, I'm proud of you.
The two embrace.
A series of newspaper headlines fill the screen: Entrepreneur Returns to Town, Opens New Factory, Providing Much Needed Jobs for Local Economy. Promises Competitive Wages and Benefits; Balls on the Run: Business Man Fills Senate Seat. And Balls For All: Business Man Turned Senator Wins Presidential Race, Promises Economic Boon and New Foreign Policy. Alls Balls That Ends Balls: President Signs Historic Peace Treaty Between All Counties, Ends Poverty, Cures Cancer, Wins Grammy.
Balls