“So you wrote the story in twenty minutes and still did well?”
“Yeah.”
“Wow.”
“Wow? This from the man with the world’s longest erection is an accomplishment.”
“Cut?” exclaimed the director, confusing the crew with his inflection. “That’s longest lasting erection? Let’s try that again from, ‘wow’?”
It took three hours to shoot that segment, but it was worth it. That expose on the guy who had an erection for thirty years was the highest rated event in Television history. It beat out Super bowl LXXX and the three way Tyson, Holyfield, Clarence Thomas fight.
James Earl Jones, born Doug E. Fresh, was known as Jimmy to many, Jim to few, and Stanly Kubrick to none. As a child, he aspired to be President of America, but was devastated to discover, at the age of ten, that being a Canadian barred him from such a position. The latter caused him to move to Europe, where he lives today.
At 12, Jimmy’s erection began. At first, he ignored it, knowing that it was as natural as having a face. Soon, however, he panicked, because he had been on a train at the time and missed his stop.
Jimmy remembered his erection later that week. Thinking it may be a serious medical condition, he consulted a doctor who confirmed his suspicion. Jimmy’s already low popularity waned, venturing to new lows where even Lazy Eyed Larry and Foul Smelling Frank avoided him.
Alone, Jimmy concentrated on his true passion: anthropology. He perused the field in a university and it lead to his career as a janitor. His fellow custodians were philosophy and British Literature majors. Jimmy fell in love with a philosopher and the two married the following year.
Jimmy and his wife had a child and moved east. Then the trouble began. Jimmy was often harassed by inquisitive neighbors, the local press, and tourists. Word of his condition spread and soon he was on television, radio stations, and even newspapers. Jimmy was deaf, so it was only the latter that excited him.
The pinnacle of his success was when a movie of his life was to be made starring himself as himself; it was the part he was born to play. The movie was a huge success, but the critics said that Jimmy was not convincing, which shamed Jimmy to such an extent that he became a recluse.
Jimmy abandoned his wife and child. He was thought to be gone forever, until his body was found a month later dirty, covered in rags, and smelling of urine. All attempts to rouse him were unsuccessful, until it was suggested that he be nudged.
Jimmy’s tale of dancing with death, mastering the elements, and eating with the Newtons, the family that discovered him, was too dull to be shared with the public. He returned to his old life, but it was awkward. His family didn’t know how to feel about the man that left them. Gary was handsome, strong, funny, and wealthy, but Jimmy didn’t approve of having his replacement live in the house after he returned, so he kicked him out. And with Gary left all of the affluence that Jimmy’s family had grown used to in the month that he’d been away.
Jimmy was unable to provide his loved ones with the lifestyle they desired and they remained forever resentful.
