Here’s something I found in my notes that I enjoyed.
Hey, you like turtles? Holds up some turtles swimming around a bucket. They’re this small now makes an inch with finger but they can get this big makes six inches eh? Think you’d like ‘em as friends?
I’ll think about.
Okay, well, we’re just thinking and talking about turtles right now. No one’s selling anything.
You’re not?
Not if you’re a cop. Are you a cop?
No. Why?
It’s illegal to buy and sell turtles in New Jersey.
Why?
Parents buy them and then their kids get bored, flush them down the toilette, throw them away, sometimes they eat them and get salmonella.
Wow. Really?
Yeah, kids are dumb. So keep that all in mind while we think about how much turtles cost. One turtle, ten bucks. Two turtles, twenty bucks. Three turtles, you know how much?
How much?
Twenty-five bucks.
Oooo.
Four turtles, forty bucks. Five turtles, fifty bucks. Six turtles, you know how much?
How much?
Fifty bucks.
Wait, how can you charge the same amount of money for a different amount of turtles?
Ehhh. I know you. You’re a math guy. I’m a turtle guy, so how’s about you do some math to figure out how many turtles you want and me, the turtle guy, will introduce you to your new friends.
Okay.
Alright. So, let’s say they’re five bucks each and you want how many?
I’ll take three.
And you thought about all the reasons why turtle selling is illegal?
Yeah, I can handle it.
Okay, so how much is that? Be explicit so I know you’re not trying to trick me.
Trick you?
Yeah, on account of you being a math guy and me being a turtle guy.
How do I know you’re not tricking me, selling me defective turtles?
Ah, you’re also a doesn’t-want-to-be-tricked guy. Look: I ain’t no good with numbers. I think I’m adding them one way, but then the answer goes another. I subtract five from twelve– I expect seven but the numbers slip me an eight. That ain’t right! So if numbers can trick me, and you can trick numbers into adding up right and stuff, then you’re one above me in the order of tricksters. So do me a favor and multiply those numbers nice and slow for me, capiche?
Yeah, I got it. So, three turtles at five dollars a turtle is fifteen dollars.
Okay, so you wanna buy these turtles from me?
Yeah…
How many?
Three for five dollars, which is fifteen.
Okay. Looks around, gets a little confused. Hold these. Gives him turtles. No, that’s not right. Give those back. Gets back turtles and sets down bucket. You’re under arrest for the knowingfull and explicit purchase of illegal turtles. Cuffs him. Guy in a suit and cameraman walk out.
Hi, I’m Steve Boswell from To Halt a Turtle Purchase. What were you going to do with those turtles?
I was buying them for my kids.
Do you know it’s against the law to sell and buy turtles?
Yeah, but he tried to sell them to me, shouldn’t he be the one being arrested?
No, because he’s a cop.
But I only tried to buy them because I didn’t think he was one.
I know; that’s how we planned it.
That doesn’t seem right.
Neither does buying turtles. Take him away!
