Two Bens Doing Flips
One Trick Pony front man Ben Kharakh pretends that there are two of him.
By Ben Kharakh
This piece was featured in Ben's high school newspaper.
Sometimes I think it would be better if there were two Bens, one for around the house and one for out and about. Then, if one Ben gets dirty, I’ll have a spare Ben until the other one's returned from the dry cleaners. Ben is definitely a dry clean only item; I wouldn’t skimp on the dry cleaning because then Ben would shrink, and a shrunken Ben is worthless. I’d either have to put the shrunken Ben on a shelf with some plush animals and hope it passes for a stuffed bear, or give it to a children’s charity.
I’ve also been thinking about being a pirate hunter. In the South Pacific, there are pirates. Not pirates with galleys and swords, but with speedboats and machine guns. I can go there, hunt and kill them, and then their stuff becomes mine. I would be Black Ben, and all of the pirates would exclaim, “Whoa! Black Ben, Bam-Ba-Lam.” Or I can be Ben Beard: Scourge of the South Pacific.
Or I can become a third-rate athlete. Actually, third rate is too good. Fourth or fifth rate athlete seems more reasonable. I’ll be the guy that people look at and say, “Whoa. He was way off. He’s like ten feet behind fourth, but he did beat seventh, eighth, and ninth.” I’d have to train, but not very much, because I’d be training to do well, but not very well. The coach will tell me, “Good hustle out there Ben, but you’re training to place not to win. So I want to see less hustle and more attitude.” It’s all about the attitude. Then, after a fruitful career of being a pirate hunter, or fifth rate athlete, I’m going to learn how to do flips, and then do flips all of the time. Flips down the street, flips while getting milk, flips wherever I please.